Struggling.

Woke up this morning fighting some hard thoughts.  Feeling trapped, like under the rubble of a big earthquake.  In a pocket of air, safe, but for how long?  What will shift?  Will I be rescued?  Will I die here?  And feeling the knowledge of my God holding me and loving me and standing true in His care for me.  My human nature and my hope in a delicate balance... the hope winning and keeping my spirits buoyed just enough to keep my heart and my emotions from slipping into the darkness that is panic.  Started coughing.  Got up so I wouldn't disturb Shawn's sleep.  Came downstairs.  Started having sad thoughts, "My kids will be the first to lose a parent.  I will be the first person in my circle to die."  And immediately God chided, "Only I know the plans I have for you, my dear."  Yes.  Only God knows the plans He has for me.  I am so glad to have God.

I have an appointment the Wednesday when school starts.  It is weighing very heavily on me.  Please pray for peace.  Please?   The very best thing about Disney was that there was no cancer there.  It was the most miraculous thing.  I kept my emotions at a glazed-over sort of place because my heart-joy was threatening to send me into too many tears.  But even doing my injections each night in a different Disney washroom wasn't nearly the trial it is at home.  I was healthy, I was strong, I was not thinking about cancer for the most part of two full weeks.  What a blessing.

I covet your prayers.  It is a little hard right now and I need help.  Thank you.

I don't want to write sad posts, I want to share holiday happinesses!  I want to bask in the joy and the awesome and the amazing and the blessings.  And I want to live in Disney cancer-free denial a little longer.  Today I swallowed my pride.  Things have been good, I just am not ready for the glow of holidays to dim yet.  You know?  But I need help.  And so I am asking for your prayers extra as you can.  I feel scared.  I don't want to feel scared.


Oh ya.  And I don't want to be afraid of food.  I am so sick of being conflicted by every bite of food I put in my mouth.  Seriously!  I have always eaten thoughtfully.  Yes a B ig Ma c, but yes lots of vegetables and lots of fruit and lots of green and lots of water and water and water to drink.  But you get cancer then suddenly F ace B0 0k is posting ads by 'experts' that say you shouldn't even eat fruit because cancer likes sugar and blah blah blah.  And eat meat or don't?  And juice or don't?  And eat dairy or don't?  I mean, it was already a mental warfare thing to discern what my food choices were back in the good old days of ignorance and no cancer... and now to have to worry which bite of food I put in my mouth will kill me sooner?!  That is crap!  I don't accept it  And I'm sick of worrying about it.  I still want to be thoughtful and I still want to make wise food choices... it's the scare tactics and panic-wording that keeps crossing my path (or that I'm just more susceptible and sensitive to now) that is making me crazy... and scaring me... and I don't want to be scared.

Phew.  Thank you.  That was a rant that has been building for a few weeks now... I totally respect the choices people make.  I even respect that the posts I have come across have good information in them that can be added to my knowledge/understanding base.  I am just fed up with feeling guilty all the time... and I mean, jeepers, it's not like my family is drinking powdered sugar drinks with big cartoon pitchers as the spokesperson or anything?!?!?  Oi.   Okay.  I feel better.  Please don't be offended, I just had to get that out of my head.  I still think it's about balance.  And I still think that God is in control.  I am doing my best to feed our family balanced and nutritional foods, drink lots of water, eat our veggies and get rest.  No more crazy-making food articles for me, I am fully putting blinders on!

Okay.  Thank you.