- Peace for Shawn and I, for Kyle and Miranda and Braden and Connor, for our parents and siblings and nieces and nephews and inner circle friends watching and hurting as we go through this
- that God would keep soft our children's hearts toward Him through all the emotions of this hard journey
- strength and stamina; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually
- that the cancer shrinks to gone, gone, gone!
- gentle side effects to this second round of chemo
- family unity, harmony, love, strength, joy, happiness
- anything else you feel God puts on your heart

Saturday, August 24, 2013


Woke up this morning fighting some hard thoughts.  Feeling trapped, like under the rubble of a big earthquake.  In a pocket of air, safe, but for how long?  What will shift?  Will I be rescued?  Will I die here?  And feeling the knowledge of my God holding me and loving me and standing true in His care for me.  My human nature and my hope in a delicate balance... the hope winning and keeping my spirits buoyed just enough to keep my heart and my emotions from slipping into the darkness that is panic.  Started coughing.  Got up so I wouldn't disturb Shawn's sleep.  Came downstairs.  Started having sad thoughts, "My kids will be the first to lose a parent.  I will be the first person in my circle to die."  And immediately God chided, "Only I know the plans I have for you, my dear."  Yes.  Only God knows the plans He has for me.  I am so glad to have God.

I have an appointment the Wednesday when school starts.  It is weighing very heavily on me.  Please pray for peace.  Please?   The very best thing about Disney was that there was no cancer there.  It was the most miraculous thing.  I kept my emotions at a glazed-over sort of place because my heart-joy was threatening to send me into too many tears.  But even doing my injections each night in a different Disney washroom wasn't nearly the trial it is at home.  I was healthy, I was strong, I was not thinking about cancer for the most part of two full weeks.  What a blessing.

I covet your prayers.  It is a little hard right now and I need help.  Thank you.

I don't want to write sad posts, I want to share holiday happinesses!  I want to bask in the joy and the awesome and the amazing and the blessings.  And I want to live in Disney cancer-free denial a little longer.  Today I swallowed my pride.  Things have been good, I just am not ready for the glow of holidays to dim yet.  You know?  But I need help.  And so I am asking for your prayers extra as you can.  I feel scared.  I don't want to feel scared.

Oh ya.  And I don't want to be afraid of food.  I am so sick of being conflicted by every bite of food I put in my mouth.  Seriously!  I have always eaten thoughtfully.  Yes a B ig Ma c, but yes lots of vegetables and lots of fruit and lots of green and lots of water and water and water to drink.  But you get cancer then suddenly F ace B0 0k is posting ads by 'experts' that say you shouldn't even eat fruit because cancer likes sugar and blah blah blah.  And eat meat or don't?  And juice or don't?  And eat dairy or don't?  I mean, it was already a mental warfare thing to discern what my food choices were back in the good old days of ignorance and no cancer... and now to have to worry which bite of food I put in my mouth will kill me sooner?!  That is crap!  I don't accept it  And I'm sick of worrying about it.  I still want to be thoughtful and I still want to make wise food choices... it's the scare tactics and panic-wording that keeps crossing my path (or that I'm just more susceptible and sensitive to now) that is making me crazy... and scaring me... and I don't want to be scared.

Phew.  Thank you.  That was a rant that has been building for a few weeks now... I totally respect the choices people make.  I even respect that the posts I have come across have good information in them that can be added to my knowledge/understanding base.  I am just fed up with feeling guilty all the time... and I mean, jeepers, it's not like my family is drinking powdered sugar drinks with big cartoon pitchers as the spokesperson or anything?!?!?  Oi.   Okay.  I feel better.  Please don't be offended, I just had to get that out of my head.  I still think it's about balance.  And I still think that God is in control.  I am doing my best to feed our family balanced and nutritional foods, drink lots of water, eat our veggies and get rest.  No more crazy-making food articles for me, I am fully putting blinders on!

Okay.  Thank you.


  1. Praying for you and loving you with everything that I have. Praying away the voices that cause panic and praying for an extra measure of peace and courage!! Love you my friend!!

  2. The trip was a wonderful emotional break.
    I'm reminded that the God who gave us peace for two amazing Disney weeks is the same God that will give you peace now.
    Praying lots, Love you!

  3. Praying for you Kristen. You are an amazing, inspiration to us all!!! My thoughts are with you and your family....

  4. Kristen, you are so honest and I love that you can vent and rant here a bit with us. You don't have to be brave for all of us and it is okay to say you are scared. Who wouldn't be? We already assume that this whole thing is horribly scary. I am so glad we can pray for you and all that concerns you and even when we don't know how to pray for you and your family we know that God knows and so I just ask him to keep you peaceful in his loving arms.

  5. '...Fear is one of Satan's favorite weapons. When you start to feel afraid, affirm your trust in ME. Speak out loud, if circumstances permit. Resist the devil in MY NAME, and he will slink away from you, Refresh yourself in MY HOLY PRESENCE. Speak or sing praises to ME, and MY FACE with shine radiantly upon you. Remember that there is no condemnation for those who belong to ME. You have been judged not guilty for all eternity. TRUST ME and do not be afraid; for I am your STRENGTH, SONG, and SALVATION.' ~ JESUS CALLING
    So thankful that Sarah Young penned these words. When we are gripped by fear, it's comforting to recite her words. So loving and gentle, yet firmly planted in the roots of our faith.
    It reminds me of a chorus we sang in the red sanctuary as kids and young adults. I remember Grandma T playing the organ while we sang 'Come Holy Spirit, I need thee. Come sweet spirit I pray. Come in your strength and your power, come in your own special way'. I pray for peace for you every day all day Kris. I sing these words for you. That the spirit of our Lord will cover you and protect you and give you peace in your fear filled moments. Love you sis!

  6. Luv what Keri posted. Speak out loud & watch the devil flee! Keep speakin' Sister, we r in your court, listening, loving, lightening the load with prayer. Peace be unto you. Hugs xox


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