- Peace for Shawn and I, for Kyle and Miranda and Braden and Connor, for our parents and siblings and nieces and nephews and inner circle friends watching and hurting as we go through this
- that God would keep soft our children's hearts toward Him through all the emotions of this hard journey
- strength and stamina; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually
- that the cancer shrinks to gone, gone, gone!
- gentle side effects to this second round of chemo
- family unity, harmony, love, strength, joy, happiness
- anything else you feel God puts on your heart
Monday, September 30, 2013
I have childcare and carpools arranged. Shawn and Mom will come with me. I'll bring my phone charger, my notebook and my snack. Cancer clinic number, meds, Care Card. Kleenex. Courage. Peace. Trust. My pockets will be overflowing with the prayers of my family and friends and so many people who barely know us but pray just the same.
I feel nervous. A new doctor. New clinic. New routine. New information to process. New fears to quell. New chemo to figure out. New side effects to agree to. New sparks of hope to fan gently so they can grow bigger and brighter and warmer and cast light further.
I feel exhausted just thinking about all the shoring up of my emotional and mental state to get through the long drive in, the waiting room, the blood taking, the second long waiting, the meeting of a new oncologist (so incredibly nerve-wracking), the drive home. Just everything is a lot.
I am curious about what they will recommend. I am interested in what they expect the new chemo to do and what the "clinical trial" means. I am holding open my mind.
I really need your prayers. I am greedy for them. I ask politely, and I ugly-beg for them.
I really want to feel secure with my new doctor, Dr. K. I really want to feel a sense of "he knows what he's doing, he feels good about this, he has a plan and I can just sink into it and let it unfold around me".
I want it gone now. I want it shrunk down and stunted and stopped. I want the chemo to be gentle, the side effects to be completely manageable (mentally and physically), I want this to work 100%. I want Shawn to be okay. I want our kids to be okay. I want my parents and sisters to be okay. I want my inlaws and friends to be okay. I just want to see this all work out for good... and by "for good" I ask that that means "healed in Jesus' name"! Amen.
Thank you for reading this blog. Thank you for holding us in your prayers. Thank you for the many kindness so many of you have bestowed on us. We need your help and are so grateful for your willingness to give it. Thank you.
Jesus Calling: September 30
I am perpetually with you,taking care of you. That is the most important fact of your existence. I am not limited by time or space; My Presence with you is a forever-promise. You need not fear the future, for I am already there. When you make that quantum leap into eternity, you will find Me awaiting you in heaven. Your future is in My hands; I release it to you day by day, moment by moment. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow.
I want you to live this day abundantly, seeing all there is to see, doing all there is to do. Don’t be distracted by future concerns. Leave them to Me! Each day of life is a glorious gift, but so few people know how to live within the confines of today. Much of their energy for abundant living spills over the time line into tomorrow’s worries or past regrets. Their remaining energy is sufficient only for limping through the day, not for living it to the full. I am training you to keep your focus on My Presence in the present. This is how to receive abundant Life, which flows freely from My throne of grace.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”
Kristin: That "quantum leap into eternity" stole my breath away. I am not afraid of being dead, I will go to heaven. My heart breaks at the thought of being missing from our kids' lives, them not having Their mom for talks about dating, buying her grad dress, wedding dress, happy-tears-streaming down my face as he stands so handsome waiting for his bride to walk down the aisle, grand babies and Christmas mornings, sports days, assemblies and book fair days. I want them to remember me smiling and plump, laughing and listening, me as me not me with sad eyes and sad-crying. I want so much more for them. I am so sad this morning. Having trouble keeping composed. I really don't want to die. I really am nervous about chemo again. I feel so many things and nothing. I just will keep choosing to trust. The heartbreak is passing. I trust you, Lord. I thank you for every minute I have with my kids. I love every minute I have with Shawn. I am glad for the many many many many joys you bring and keep bringing. You surround us with your love and you blanket us in your peace. You have Angels around each of us. You have put friends and good people around us and to take care of us and to help us. I will keep counting these many blessings and I know you're not done with any of us yet. You have a plan and we are in it. I thank you for your peace and your love and your hope. Amen.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Had a great day yesterday kicking off my sisters' 40th birthdays weeks (not there birthdays quite yet) with some cousins... such a great day. Loved our time together. Watching cooking shows, surfing the net, working on a paperwork project, just keeping my mind busy in a nothing-that-requires-too-much-awareness-or-thinking sort of way.
Thanks for listening.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Mommy: "Oh, ya?" [sinking feeling in pit of stomach]
Connor: "I runned for two people. For Terry Fox and for YOU!"
Mommy: [punch to the gut][be brave][don't cry][he's so proud] "Oh wow. I wish you didn't have to run for me but thank you, sweetheart." [big smile and a hug to my boy]
Thursday, September 26, 2013
And even bad chapters aren't 100% bad... there is still good writing, suspense, intrigue, interesting characters, poetic moments, writing-so-bad-it's-comical-and-laughter-is-good-so-that-redeems-the-whole-thing, the feel of the paper in your hand, the way that book makes you feel, associations you make with the people and places and moments in that chapter and how they connect to your own life...
Plus, my hope is in the Lord, and He is the author of the whole thing, so that's pretty awesome!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
Today, this entire week actually, I feel very calm. I have feelings and emotions, but they are mellowed, calmed, at peace with me, not trying to overtake me or choke me out of functioning through my days. I know that it is God who is giving me this peace. I am truly hopeful that the CT results will be good news, but I am also realistic that they may not be. I really hope they are good news results. I guess I'm feeling neutral about the subject. When I think about the scan, the needle, the nice nurse with the curly hair or else the nice nurse with the black hair (I almost always get the same two Nurses and both do a really good job at getting a vein lickety-split!), the waiting, the walk down the long hallway to the Cancer Agency and my oncology appointment ...that's when I get a little icky in my tummy... but then I just shimmy my shoulders back into the comfy-cozy warmth of God's peace and I just 'be'. [smile] Thank you for praying us through this day.
And... I'm hungry. Fasting since 8am and my tummy is grumbly today. LOL Go...eat a cookie for me... or a sandwich! [wink]
[Taken from http://rachelwojo.com/how-to-leave-your-burdens-at-the-feet-of-jesus/ ]
Occasionally I’m asked a question by a reader that really makes me think. One that makes me immediately say to myself: Goodness, I don’t know the answer to that question. But the cool thing is that while I truthfully don’t know the answer, I do know where to find the answers to life’s questions. So I turn to God’s Word and read and study- praying for the Lord to show me the answer.
The question I’m answering today doesn’t have an easy, pat answer that you throw out there to pacify someone. The depth from which a question is asked must also be the depth from which a question is answered. Here’s our question for today:
Thanks for the post. The reminder to leave my burden at Jesus’ feet is one that I’m really working on right now. Sometimes, though, I really am not sure how I’m supposed to do that. What does it look like, practically speaking, to leave my burdens at His feet? Do you have a specific example of a time in your life when you did this?The question is tough because we are taking sometimes intangible items (our burdens) and placing them in an invisible, though real place (Jesus’ feet.)
What is the answer as to how to leave your burdens at the feet of Jesus?
In I Samuel 1&2, we find the story of Hannah, a woman whose greatest desire was to have a child. We can imagine the anguish this desire caused Hannah to have. In my book, The Sensational Scent of Prayer, the two prayers of Hannah are examined and described. The first prayer of Hannah simply requests that God give her a son. Without explaining all the detail contained in the book, let’s look at Hannah’s own description of her prayer:
but have poured out my soul before the LORD. I Sam. 1:15Think for a moment of a pitcher filled with water.
This pitcher represents our life and the water represents our burdens. Wow- that pitcher sure is heavy when filled with all the burdens!
So we go to time with God and pour some water out of the pitcher. We talk to God about our burdens and we attempt to listen to what He is telling us.
But the pitcher is so heavy, we tire of holding it. And while much of the water (our burdens) remains contained in the pitcher, we walk away from our time with God, carrying the burdens with us.
A little while later, maybe hours, maybe days, we return to the Lord in conversation with our pitcher of burdens still in tow. And that pitcher seems even heavier than before because of the weight.
But instead of relinquishing it all to God, we carry our pitcher back out of our time spent with Him. Lugging the weight of burdens like we enjoy it- though we claim it to be our worst enemy.
Hannah gives us a wonderful description of what she did with her burden. She poured out her soul before the Lord. She wasn’t about to walk away until she told God everything on her heart regarding the matter. She wasn’t about to leave that place until she had spent every ounce of her energy, strength and dignity explaining her need to God.
Hannah took her water pitcher of burdens and poured it out. Every last drop. She held nothing back and stood before God, holding her water pitcher upside down, with tears falling from her cheeks, as she dumped it all at Jesus’ feet.
Hannah’s pitcher was bone dry.
From a practical standpoint, I think laying our burdens at Jesus’ feet and leaving them there means we empty ourselves out completely. We pour out our souls before the Lord, sharing every feeling we have on the topic- whatever it is. We stand dripping before God, no matter what others may think of us. (The priest thought Hannah was drunk in her pouring out state.)
To answer the last part of our reader’s question, yes, I do have an example of a time when I poured out my soul to God. I’m running out of space and time to answer this portion of the question in this post, but when you’ve gone through divorce, lost your mama to cancer and find out your daughter has a terminal disease, then at that point, you have nothing left but to pour out yourself before the Lord.
I guess the part Hannah’s story doesn’t help us with is that no one talks about the automatic refills.
After we have poured out every drop to God, what happens when another burden fills the pitcher?
We pour out again. And again. And again.
Because His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.
Or anyone who comes to Him, ready to pour themselves out completely and allow Him to fill the empty spaces in totality.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I would also like to say, one again, that the nurses at ARH are just so incredibly lovely. They don't want to see us there, they don't want to see people in pain or in fear, they just have a heart to help... and the kindness and gentleness that I have experienced at almost every turn has just been such a blessing. Lord, please bless the staff at ARH, from janitor to food services to nurse to surgeon to administration and everyone in between. Lord, give wisdom and calm, give excellence and peace, let them each feel appreciated for the work they are doing as they serve the sick and injured and hurt and healing of our city and province. Thank you for this lovely new hospital and thank you for the good experiences I have had there. Amen.