- Peace for Shawn and I, for Kyle and Miranda and Braden and Connor, for our parents and siblings and nieces and nephews and inner circle friends watching and hurting as we go through this
- that God would keep soft our children's hearts toward Him through all the emotions of this hard journey
- strength and stamina; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually
- that the cancer shrinks to gone, gone, gone!
- gentle side effects to this second round of chemo
- family unity, harmony, love, strength, joy, happiness
- anything else you feel God puts on your heart

Monday, September 30, 2013

Fell hard, ouch!

Not long after posting the 'nervous energy' post I got up from the couch to go to the kitchen.  My toes felt numb, as they have almost constantly since we returned from Florida, and my left foot was being strange... it seemed to be flapping on the floor.  I had taken about 4 or 5 steps when I looked down and saw my foot twist upside-down on the floor.  I started yelling, "Help!  Help! Help! Help!" as I quickly crumpled to the ground.  I landed sort of on all floors.  Thank you, Lord, that I didn't hit my head at all (the blood thinners could cause bleeding on the brain if I am ever to hit my head, it is something I have been strongly warned about).  Shawn came barreling down the stairs to the floor beside me.  I was still yelling, "Help! Help! Help! Help!  I fell.  I fell.  I fell.  Help!"  I was just so in shock.  And I jammed my right arm, with the stupid shoulder that has been hurting me more and more over the past weeks.  After a few minutes I asked Shawn to help me sit up.  We sat on the floor for a few minutes, I wiggles my toes.  I think my foot had fallen asleep when I was sitting on the couch, but I didn't realize it because my toes are always a little numb.  And then the tears came.  I was just so scared.  In the seconds between awareness that my foot was wrong and then being on the floor I had these flash-aheads of chemo, cancer, my body giving out, losing use of this body.  It was so scary.  I was so scared.  Even typing this I can feel those feelings that I had and it was horrible.  I was just so scared.  We sat on the floor for a fair while, me crying, Shawn hugging me and loving me.  I want to see people and do things and get things done ... and yet I feel like my body and mind want me and need me to just sit on the couch with my kids.  I just want to sit on the couch with Shawn but every minute is full.  People want to see me, and I am flattered because I feel the love and I know that they are concerned, but it is just taking so much energy to do anything.  Before I got off the couch I had been reading the new patient pamphlet from the Vancouver Agency.   I had read an article about a man with bladder cancer who has been fighting it for five years and how hard that has been on his family.  All of those things just sit so heavy on my heart.  This is why I don't want to know details.  Why I can't afford to hear stats or stories even.  It's hard.  So hard.  So heavy.  So ... leaves me feeling like a deer in the headlights.   Today my foot has a swollen spot and the entire foot is so sore.  My shoulder is calmed down quite a bit, I don't think I damaged it.  I just was so scared.  So much scared in such a short burst of time.  It's mind-blowing.   I feel like the days are so full and yet I wish there were more hours in each day.  Chemo again.  [deep exhale]  It's a lot to grasp.

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