Chemo Teach (workshop...boot camp...class)

Today is Chemo Teach day. 9am. These things are always so early. Mornings are difficult for me. I was awake at 6am after a good 7hr sleep... but by 10am will be ready for a nap. The Chemo Teach is 2-3 hours. That's a long time to walk around and listen and learn and be overwhelmed with a whole lot of information and reality. And it's a group thing... which means rebuffing the emotions and fears that may be in the air around every single person in the group.

I stood in the shower this morning, my mind wandered to sitting in the waiting room, touring, how that's going to physically feel (I'm still not walking great distances) especially since I am going in feeling exhausted...and I started bawling, no tears, no sound. Just this big huge cry that couldn't get out. So grateful for the recharge that is my kids' giggles, listening to them sing Christmas songs, hearing them obeying Daddy's requests. Gotta keep filling my love and joy reserves. Yesterday was a big day. It takes a solid day or two for my brain to process.

When I sit in these meetings my ears receive the information but my brain is pretty numb. I feel... hot and warm and cold all at once. And I feel like a punch to the gut and lightheaded. And it is like being in a vaccuum...still, silent. alone. I am aware of my husband in the room, and/or my mom. But I cannot bare to look at them. It is too much. Eye contact overwhelms and tears are usually just there. For them. For me. For this whole mess of a situation. And God is there. I feel peace. I feel all of these things and I feel peace. And in the middle of the feeling nothing-and-everything I feel peace. God is good. It is mentally weird to wrap my head around...the afraid and at peace at the same time. I don't question it, I just am aware that it is God and know that I wouldn't want to do this, maybe couldn't do this, without His peace.

Shawn and Mom are coming with me. These are my primary caregivers, it's good for them to be able to hear the information, understand, know, explain to me later as needed... know how to prepare themselves for the task ahead. I can't even think on it. Overwhelms. The level of love and care... mind-blowing.

Feeling so many things. Too much today. Waiting for my port appointment... I'm scared about that. It sounds gross and icky and I worry about being claustrophobic about having that thing in me for the next months... year?!?! How long? Please pray that I am totally not-freaked about the catheter procedure, the process, the thing in my skin just near my shoulder... hopefully the left side?! I have no idea. Pretty much the Cancer Agency phones, or the Hospital phones, and you say yes, I'll be there. I go when they ask. I am fortunate to have an open schedule and a ready fleet of drivers (parents, sisters, in-laws, friends) that I can go wherever, whenever... take the first available appointments, anywhere within the lower mainland. Just go. I feel panic every time the phone rings. The hospital/cancer agency phone number comes through a lot. A really lot. I am so grateful for getting to appointments fast, getting such a quick access to medical intervention and God's healing...but it is a shock every time.

Still haven't wrapped my head around this. I have cancer. Wow. That is the strangest normal thing. It happens. I'm not so special as to be immune from it. Still, very surreal... as is probably any life-threatening, life-altering situation that drops into your day/life/plan/existence. I don't spend a lot of time thinking. I spend a lot of time just cultivating being at peace. Sometimes that means praying, reading the Bible, reading Jesus Calling (book you should definitely get!!!), sitting still and knowing that God is fighting for me, that He loves me, that He is in control. He's got this.

Feeling testy. Feeling tired. Feeling sharp and prickly and nervous and trying hard to shore up against all the movement and talking and faces and noises and memories and emotions that build during the drive to the hospital.

The kids are testy today. That doesn't help me. They are ready for the school Christmas holiday. Son3 is whining (sounds like moo-ing) over his meds this morning. Son4 is listening poorly. Daughter is on the edge of emotional explosion. We are all ... not sure what.

Please, pray peace, pray rest, pray joy, pray thankful hearts and good attitudes for us all. Pray that we will be gracious with one another (my family and yours) and that the Joy of Christmas will permeate each of our days.

With love.
Kristin