Sunday.
Had a little 6 years old join us in bed last night. Buddy's been having nightmares the last few weeks, they aren't that scary, but I think his brain is just churning and turning. C is our super-observant, misses-nothing guy and I know that all the kids are on high alert during chemo weeks. I sure love the not-chemo week in between, things go to a sort of normal that just feels less on-the-brink-of-scary. I woke up this morning feeling well, strong, so long as I just lay in my bed and watch Shawn breathe, pray over him, smile, keep my face to the light coming in the window. It's also those quiet morning times, as my body slowly wakes up, that I have my hardest thoughts... of my funeral, of saying goodbye to the kids, of leaving Shawn alone with four blessings to manage and raise and care for without losing himself in the process. For the most part, I don't think on those things too much, but sometimes it just hits me and I hate it. I hated it before, I hate that cancer ups the possibilities. I am trusting for longevity, I believe for healing and full delivery from this cancer, I really hope hope hope that I live for a long, long, long time with remission or a cure before we ever have to think on this again.
I'm not sure where to direct my thoughts, what to think on, how to focus on what comes next. Jesus Calling reminded me to just be present, which I do. But, parts of life require looking forward, too. You know? And I just don't know how to do that. I am afraid to look too far ahead, even just a few weeks. Something to figure out I guess. And chemo-weekend isn't the time to put energy into thinking, it's time for energy to drink enough liquids, trying to eat even though I don't feel like it, just being in the moment watching a movie with the kid(s).
So, that's what I'm going to do.
The good news is that you don't need to focus on what comes next. We believe in a God that says 'Focus on Me. I will direct and guide you. I've got it covered'.
ReplyDeletePraying constantly for you as you navigate these scary lonely moments. May you feel peace today as you snuggle with your babes! Love you sis!
My dear daughter. Every bite you take, and every liquid you swallow, gives those blood cells one more fight it against the cancer, and oh how I know those thought too well, the tears wash away the sad and move us on to the win and beat it urgency. Keep up the good fight Kris, nothing else will do! Love, love, love, of family each other and our Healing Father, that somehow, loves you even more than me, and that's a lot of love at you, dad
ReplyDeletePraying for you all the time and sending you virtual hugs. Hang in there Kristin!
ReplyDeleteI like the Jesus calling from the other day.
ReplyDelete"Make me your focal point.... The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on Me, the one who never changes. If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My Presence, and your steps will be steady and sure."
You are doing an amazing job at keeping focused on your recovery and balancing your family. Praying you can brush back those difficult thoughts as they come and trust God for complete healing!
Love and hugs!
Kori
Trusting, believing a hoping right along with you <3
ReplyDeleteLove & hugs to all xox
Amen to all of the above. When you have done all you can, know that you are loved !
ReplyDeleteI'm so thankful you have such support...ever comment not only is encouraging to you but to me as well!!
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