Good days and lost for words and ramblings

I had forgotten how nice "no chemo" week was.  When we are in chemo weeks it is more of a hunkered-down-and-getting-through sort of thing.  I think it was halfway through this week before I got into the groove of "I won't be so sick today".  Upset tummy, yes.  Lower energy, for sure.  But capable of pushing myself this week which is not possible in chemo weeks.  Chemo weeks are sort of an out-of-body / watching-yourself-as-a-faded-light thing... like in the movie when the spirit of the guy on the operating table is able to see his body laying there while he observes.

Yesterday I guarded the day as a true and typical "Saturday as a family"... just the six of us, getting stuff done and planning for some fun with no pressure and no schedule.  In the morning the kids did a work bee with me and we powered through a whole lot of mystery and mess in the basement rec room.  Boxes that hadn't been opened in years were sorted and items thrown out or recycled or donated to charity.  I paid the kids per item they sorted and it was the best $3.46 I ever paid to a kid!  I ended up rounding up to $10 because I was so impressed by the hard work, focus, and we-got-so-much-done!  I know they will be motivated to try that system again!  [smile]  For lunch we headed to the local RV dealership for free hotdog, baked beans, and donut lunch in the freezing cold and blustery day... it felt just like true camping in British Columbia (where we live) cuz it always is freezing cold and windy and often raining when we go camping!  [tee hee]  Next we headed to the next town to the two big toy stores to spend the kids' earnings!  This was my highlight of the day!  I'm the Mom who is used to pulling my kid(s) from school for a Mommy-and-[insert kid's name] day of lunch out and a new book or toy or treat: time spent, gift given... definitely my love languages!   With me not driving for the last many months, the special mommy-and-kid days are what I have missed the most, what I long for, something that makes my heart contrict and my chest hurt the most.  It felt great to share the day with the kids and Shawn and just enjoy some treats for the heck of it.  I love that.  I love that so incredibly much that I am tearing up with the thought.  Ya.  It's been super killer-hard to miss those special moments, it's definitely something cancer has robbed out of this season of my life.  Few things knock me down fully and emotionally like the thought of saying good-bye to my kids (which has always been a tear-bringer to me, but with cancer makes it all the more scary-possible), and just the love I have for Shawn and the kids which good-overwhelms me.  Oi, my post just got sidetracked.

Side-tracked thoughts has definitely been a theme the last few days.  I'm just so bamboozled by abilities of this week, and that I kept waiting to feel yucky and the yucky stayed just at a steady and manageable minimum.   I've had to work really hard the last few days, as good as the days have been, as normal/typical as the days have been, to keep fear at bay.  Not sure what's going on but random thoughts of dying or of my funeral or of leaving have hit me and paralyzed me for the briefest of moments before I could quickly call out to God for peace and help.  Hard.  Hurtful.  Scary.  Robbing-me.  Crushing.  Overwhelming.  God is faithful, I called out for peace and He gave me peace.  I am so thankful.  Those moments are so scary and sad and hard and horrible and yucky and I hate them.  Those moments aren't new to my life, I think that when we love, we have those panic-moments of the possibility of loss.  It's just this cancer piece, it just has stolen my innocence by adding an element of people-die-of-cancer-all-the-time-I-really-hope-I-don't-die-of-cancer-or-die-anytime-soon.  [sigh]  Harsh.  I am fumbling for words, I know that my family reads this, I don't want to add to their sadness.

Hm.  This post must make you worry that I am so very sad all the time.  I'm not.  In fact, there are so many huge moments of each day where I don't think of cancer, don't think of myself as "sick" and then stand up too quickly or try to do too much and am forehead-smacked with the "doh! can't quite do that right now, Kristin!"   We have laughed and laughed.  We have smiled.  We have been silly.  We have yelled and fought and annoyed each other.  We have been disobedient to our mommy and daddy and needed correction.  We have eaten our dinner and fussed about things we don't like and begged for a second cookie and forgotten to put our dishes away after dinner.  Typical.  Normal.  Everyday stuff like every other day.  We have also prayed "take away mommy's cancer" and "be with anyone else who is sick" and "son, please go put my syringe in the disposal bucket" and "sweetheart, go get mommy's meds, k?" and "can you please help mommy take a drink of her water?"  I work really hard to make sure the kids see me off the couch at some point in their days.  I work hard to let our youngest climb on top of me for his big-love-hug-snuggles.  I have always tried to purpose connecting moments in each kids' day, now I try and make sure those connecting moments have a physical strength to them if possible... I see how they look at me when I am laying down or laying low and I know how it brightens the kids to see me standing in the kitchen.  [smile]

Rambling.  See.  My emotions and mind are sort of everywhere this week.  I'm working really hard to not get weighed down by the reality of Tuesday 9:45 am chemo.  Tomorrow is labwork (bloodwork) and check-in with the oncologist.  I'm bringing a list of questions that I don't want to ask.  I don't like asking stuff.  You have to be willing to hear the answer.  That is scary.   I'm not expecting any news, it is the point in chemo when they do an extra blood check to be sure my baby blood cells are recovering from each chemo.  Last week I scraped my arm reaching into the cupboard and I didn't bleed to death (which is what medical people keep warning me against!), and my arm started healing itself even that same day... God is good, this body is strong!  I expect that my numbers are strong and I'm doing well.  I'm just sort of lost I think.  Can't really look ahead too far, need to keep myself solid in the moment or else I get super overwhelmed about the "what ifs" and the "how will that work" and the "what will that look like" which can drive you nuts.  Two more chemo cycles to go.  After this really good week... I don't want to.  I just don't want to feel crappy again.  It is what it is.  I'm just feeling lost or something.  I can't put my finger on it.  I know fear is mixed in there, I'm working diligently on laying the fear down and praying for peace and know that God has a plan, and I'm in it. 

Watching the v0ice with M.  I love that she and I have found this common enjoyment with singing and/or dancing shows... poor Shawn, he doesn't love our choice so much!   Truth be told, the look of "Seriously!?!?  Doh!  Not again!" each night when he joins us in the living room: priceless!

Thanks for praying for us.   We are so thankful for the love and care of family and friends and acquaintances and friends of friends who are holding this family in your hearts and praying for healing and a cure and strength and peace.  The sermon today was a great reminder: our job is to believe that Jesus is the Christ.  My job is to have faith.  Keep putting your faith in God.  We won't outgrow this.  The very thing God expects us (that we will have faith), He even provides!  Win-win.  Thank you God, you are awe-some... you make me feel in awe.  I am wow-ed by you, Lord.