Woke up this morning feeling rested and ...dare I say it... more normal. Coming home from hospital has kicked my butt. I have been weak, sick, nauseous, running to the toilet with gut issues every time I eat, too weak to reach out and lift my water cup, too exhausted to shower, unable to get my meds for myself, feeling a whole lot of worry that it is just going to keep getting harder and I'm just tired and sick of this journey now. Whiny? Maybe? Totally normal part of the process? Sure? Sick of myself whining? For sure. I always feel guilty because 'someone has it worse'... but also need to be real in acknowledging that this sucks totally and I just want my life back. Now.
Was so glad to wake up this morning and feel capable of walking to the bathroom without having to shore up and run so that I wouldn't run out of energy and get stuck sitting on the toilet for lack of energy to stand back up. Ya, that weak. So sucky. I am not patient and the process of rebuilding after 12 days in hospital again... [groan]
Today our 6 yrs old was an unwilling school-attendee... daddy couldn't get him to go, mommy figured the kid needs the day off. Tomorrow is anti-bullying day and all C understands is that they will spend the day bullying each other. I'm sure sure sure that is NOT the message and I completely trust that his amazing Kindergarten teacher has explained it ... but the kid is stressed, his mom is sick, we are tired of the whole thing and also it's the weeks leading to spring-break which are tiring for everyone anyway. Full-day kindergarten is a lot. C is home today. Going to have to figure out a plan for tomorrow. Ah, parenting. It just keeps trucking you along! [smile]
I am so hungry, but everything upsets my tummy. I miss enjoying food.
Friday is my appointment at the Thrombosis Clinic at Vancouver General Hospital. Please pray peace, wisdom, a good meeting, good news, a plan. I don't even know what to ask for... just praying peace and ... I guess that'll cover it. The port is an annoyance to me through much of the day... sometimes I feel it gagging me and it feels like I'm going to puke up the tube (so gross)... but I am freaked out that if they take out the port I will have to endure 9 stabs each time for chemo as the nurses have to search for my crappy veins. THAT freaks me out a lot... like to the start of panic. I'm feeling needle weary.
Yesterday, when I did my shot, I got stuck. The way my finger was plunging the needle... was... weak... and I got the needle in (so gross) and the pluger half-down to release the meds...and then I couldn't get it to go all the way down to click. Insert moment of panic, eyes flying open, "JESUS, HELP!" and then a final push and success and then just the whole feeling of 'crap, crap, crap, crap, crap... I hate that!". Seriously. Oh my word. Nothing like having a needle half in you to freak you out.
Today... my mind thinks I'm a lot more energetic than I probably am... but am hoping to at least get off the couch a little and feel less like a cancer patient. I didn't like how cancer-patient I felt the last few days. Totally sucked. Hard to get your brain away from the worries when your body feels like ...that: weak.
Out for a little walk with my boy, that'll be today's goal.
Praying that you have a most wonderful day full of life, energy, health and peace.
ReplyDeletePraying peace and wisdom for your doctors, and increased strength every day!!
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you felt more normal today. Now if we could get some sunshine and blue skies to go with that :)
Sounds super hard :(
ReplyDeleteHope you & C were able to get out into the fresh air for a bit today...it was so warm here and Spring-like.
Luv & hugs & prayers xox