[stunned] I did it.

I just can't believe it but I did it.  I gave myself a needle.  It's pre-loaded, you just have to get the poke done... that's the gross part to be honest.  I washed my hands, I did the alcohol wipe, gave myself a large target area between the islands of purpley-green-blue archipelago across my entire tummy... and I got the needle out of the package... and let the alcohol dry so it wouldn't sting... and then I shored up really quick courage... and set the needle down... and then took a breath, said another thought-prayer on top of the prayer at the start of this whole mess... and did it.  I did it.  I can't believe I did it.  I don't want to ever do it again ... for the next 6 months... but I did it.  And Nurse said the first poke was the hardest... so I'll keep that in mind tomorrow, too... and I don't want to think about that I did it... but I did it on the kidney-surgery side... which is still numb 14 weeks later... and thank you Lord for that big numb silver lining that makes pants waistlines a nuisance but makes sticking yourself with a needle easier... and I know there are diabetic kids and folks that do this their whole life... but it's one more shoring of courage and I feel like I've shored up a lot a lot a lot these past four months... but I did it and it's done for this whole next 24 hours.  I did it.  I am shaky from the chemo and I am shaky more from that I did it.  I did it.  Wow. And I even was able to do it slow and count to five like she said... I did it.  I am just shocked.  Wow.