July 2013

What a lovely and good July we are having.  Lots of days lounging at the lake.  We got to go camping with the kids and even extended family.  The Canada Day Parade was a blast.  I've had lots of opportunity to visit with friends.  Mom and Keri and Kori and I just returned from a whirlwind trip to Calgary to meet our newest baby cousins and visit with family there.  So many good things.  So. many. good. things.
And I am weepy.  I have gotten pretty good at not thinking beyond this moment I am in.  Anything more tumbles my thoughts quickly into a tangle of worries and fears and sorrows that trip me up and weigh me down.  Planning for the fall is a dangerous, too-close-to-the-edge slippery slope.  Need to register for extra-curriculars, should have done that already, can't quite do it, fear.  Not actually fear but apprehension maybe?  It is always there, just below the surface.  I am smiling, and enjoying, and savouring, and living, and rejoicing, and loving, and doing.  I feel good.  I have some coughs.  Every cough is a worry. 
Tears fall silently.  They escape in moments of love, when my heart flows over with the immense feelings I have towards my children, my husband. My parents.  My sisters. My longtime friends. My dear ones.  Today I am cranky.  This week I have been cranky.  Everything is too much.  The pressure to 'enjoy the moment' and the reality of 'you still have cancer'.  I wonder if I will ever get the hang of this balance.
Had an amazing visit with a longtime-on-my-heart friend today.  Got stuff done that needed to be done.  Finding it really hard to be home.  I need to be here and to rest.  Hard to do with kids on summer holidays, harder to do when the couch and the recliner and the tissue box and the everything remind me of chemo days.  Harsh flashbacks hit me out of left field and if I don't see them coming, don't brace myself against their force, I am knocked off my feet physically and emotionally.
So... not thinking.  Just smiling and being and stopping-what-I'm-doing to really focus on the kids when they speak to me.  And not thinking.  Thinking is dangerous and hard on the emotions.
Finding it hard to even chat with people.  We tend to talk about tomorrow, don't we?  About what's coming up next.  I can't do that.  I can't ... risk the emotion and the worries.  I just keep laying all that mess at the feet of Jesus.  He comforts me.  He holds me.  He just smiles at my worries and sends me peace.  Most moment, most days, most of the time it is really God's peace that I feel.  Even in the moments that tears roll down my face, I have peace. 
I want to blog for you, share with you, keep you updated.  I feel ... grateful for your faithful care and prayers these last many months.  I feel responsible to keep up my side of the relationship.  I don't want to be a bummer.  I'm doing pretty good I think. Just floating at the surface of the days.  And I think that's okay for this season.
Are you doing anything fun this summer?  Spending time with your kids?  Spitting watermelon seeds?  Slushie runs?  Water fights?  I hope so.  Have fun, be silly, live in the moment.  Don't worry about savouring it or memorizing it or figuring it out or judging it.  Just be.
[smile]