Nerves and nervous energy

Feeling antsy today.  Super antsy.   I called my oncologist's office Friday and was told that I should hear from Vancouver on Tuesday or Wednesday.  I braved it and actually went onto the Vancouver Agency website and read through the new patient handbook (I'm always afraid of being told more info than I want to know... more info means more fears to push away and that's exhausting).  The handbook says it could be weeks between appointment and treatment starting.  I don't know how I feel about that.  But I have nervous energy today.  And I feel exhausted, emotionally.  I think maybe I'm feeling sort of 'adrift'.  ???  Probably that's what it is.  And there's this push to get things done, organized, the house in order before chemo again, the concern that "chemo is harder the second time" and what the heck that could mean, and then telling myself, "hey, it doesn't HAVE to be harder!" and spending time just chilling and resting my body and trying to remember to eat (I have appetite but I just feel... unable to feed myself, make a decision, know what to do), and the thinking and not-thinking.  I'm just floating through this, not fretting, but it's very hard to be mellow AND to accomplish things both.  I can be mellow (which feels so lazy) or I can accomplish stuff (which hurts my body or freaks me out or makes me think which is a whole dangerous landslide of emotions to scramble to tuck back into a manageable place)...  but I'm not worried.  I feel peaceful.  I just can't figure out how to be peaceful AND to get things done in a way that makes me feel that things are actually tidying up around here.... and our four kids' birthdays are November and December and it's soon Christmas and those are things I love and this is my favourite season and .... so I just hold on to peace and I just 'be'.  I don't know else how to better do this.  [shrug]

Had a great day yesterday kicking off my sisters' 40th birthdays weeks (not there birthdays quite yet) with some cousins... such a great day.  Loved our time together.   Watching cooking shows, surfing the net, working on a paperwork project, just keeping my mind busy in a nothing-that-requires-too-much-awareness-or-thinking sort of way.

Thanks for listening.
Mwah.