Finding it comical that as I rub lice shampoo into my hair what little hairs I have left are falling out in clumps. But I am a rule follower and the rule is that I need to lice shampoo my hair before entering the chemo room tomorrow. Even though lice shampoo only kills live bugs and even though my hair is so sparse you would definitely see a live bug in it and even though there will be even less hair by tomorrow because it is falling out like tiny tufts of snow. I can say, in clear conscience, "Yes, I treated my almost-bald head for lice."
Comical.
The back of my head is bare scalp except for a tiny ridge of short hairs at the nape of my neck.
I am going with it, but I am not adjusted to this lack of hair. I miss my naturally curly, naturally strawberry-blonde, naturally thick mane. It represents life before cancer. It was my vanity. I am not tall. i am not svelte. But people recognized me by my hair. If I ever wore it straight acquaintances would pass me by and not recognizing me! And it was my last link to me-before-cancer. Those hairs were Miranda-old. Good times and great memories. I want that me back.
It's just hair. Losing the hair is what it is but I feel ugly. You needn't tell me otherwise. I feel ugly. Shorn. Depleted. Somehow changed beyond the physical.
What is harder is what it represents for me, to me personally.
And the lice shampoo stinks. I'm washing it out at the five minute mark. Cuz I'm still me enough to be a little spunky and sassy and defiant!
So there!
[sticking my tongue out at you]
[wink]
Those feelings must be so tough. And I don't blame u on wanting that stinky stuff off ur head asap! Hugs xox
ReplyDeleteI smiled when I read, "cuz I'm still me enough to be a little spunky and sassy and defiant!"
ReplyDeleteKeep fighting, my friend.
I have been following your journey since the beginning and my family and I have been praying for you and your family. I too have dealt with cancer over the past year, leukemia. This post really struck close to my heart. I can relate completely to what you said about how it's who you were before cancer and how it makes you look ugly. I completely agree with your feelings. I felt VERY ugly. Everyone tried to comfort me by saying, "it's only hair" or "don't worry, it'll grow back" Pashaw to that!!! It's your identity, it's the hear and now, it's the emotions. But then I was reading God's word and the thing that completely kept me from thinking I was ugly, is that God loves me on the inside and doesn't care about the outside, it gave me much comfort, but I still felt ugly much of the time. When my hair started growing back in May, it became a fun game for our family to figure out what it was going to look like when it came back. I went from pre cancer light brown straight hair to post cancer black extrememly curly hair. It's an all new me!!
ReplyDeleteCan you please email me, as I have some other words I'd like to share with you privately. rcmillard@telus.net
Many prayers to you and your family.
You'll always be my favourite redhead... with the rest of your family following a close 2nd, 3rd, 4th..... :)
ReplyDeleteLove you!!
Kori