Ramble.

Saturday.   Dropped Miranda to church choir practice this morning then set off with grand dreams and a to do list with Kyle.  Accomplished one thing and a bonus thing and then gave up on the list, picked up a Sbucks hot chocolate for he and I and went back to get Miranda.  I'm tired.   My mind is raring to go, my body just cannot fathom even trying to keep up.  Driving is exhausting.  The freedom of driving myself to my own destination and going by myself to make a purchase is like the most delicious treat ever... but it is so exhausting that about 5 minutes in I'm cursing myself for not waiting til my husband or mom would just take me.  They totally would.  But I'm going mental from being stuck here or waiting on help or needing help.  I feel like one of those little fish that suck onto the sharks and just hitches a ride and does nothing.  Sure, sure, those little fish pick the bugs off the shark... I'm not even doing that.  I'm just a big, cranky, whinging brat.  I am finding myself in the midst of a lot of big thinking, existential thoughts, feels like God is working on me, peeling back layers, getting to the core of who I am to be.  Which is good and all, but a lot of work, but no work, all I really need to do is sit and the work happens, really, but hm, maybe that's the whole point of this frustrating body not be able to do anything.  Maybe that's the time needed for the 'getting to the core'.  I don't know.  All I know is that, in the mean time, I'm struggling with feeling valuable, feeling needed, feeling essential to 'life as we know it' and really, 'life as we know it' is really such a foreign thing now... what we thought we 'knew' is no longer valid, valuable, realistic, our 'now', the actual.  So why do we long for it.  This is actually better, really, the learning and understanding and growth.  But, I don't want to have cancer anymore.  That's what it comes down to.  Pacing.  Need to figure out how to pace, what's the pace, the pace changes depending on the moment, will change as we get deeper into this round of chemo and the side effects build and stuff will inevitably happen that throws us off course.  It is what it is.  Which is fine.  But how does one LIVE that as a philosophy and also actual LIVE... to me "living", really and truly "living" has always meant "actively choosing", "thinking", "planning but with flexibility to just wing it and have a silly or decadent moment just because our North American spoil-ed-ness affords it".   Ramblings.  The sun is shining.  Shawn and the kids are outside tidying up boxes (mostly emptied cuz we've been sorting/chucking, hooray!) and playing street hockey, I love hearing the scrape of the hockey stick on the ground, the sound of toys being dragged out of the garage, yelling and laughing and the occasional squabbling that inevitably breaks out.  Life is good.  This, right here.  Is very good.  We are very blessed and when I focus on the blessings and I remember to feel God's goodness and presence here, the sun on my face, the contentment in my heart then I'm pretty sure THIS is exactly "living".  And it's good.  It's really, really good.  Why do I waste time complaining.  Ah, the ramble, a useful tool for this woman's overactive thinking and feeling and wanting heart.