And God did provide!!!

I called the Cancer Agency pharmacy and was told there is a total shortage of B12 shots.  I must have it today or I cannot have chemo next week.  Crucial!!!  The kind pharmacist suggested I start calling every pharmacy in town and then to call my oncologist if I had no success.  Then she suggested calling my doctor's office... which I did.  And, after explaining the urgency of getting the shot this morning, the lovely receptionist put me on hold, walked over to the nurse, and came back to say, "We have one vial left, when can you get here?"  I called Mom and we were there within 25 minutes!  The nurse was so sweet and the shot didn't hurt (I'm so just ugh about needles, I'm sick of them and I'm strong to get through it without whining but I still hate it down deep in my very core) and ta da!  I'm good to go. 

Next we picked up the other med (folic acid) I need to take today in order to get chemo next week... and there was a mix up at the pharmacy and some rigamorole and I came home without it.  Gr.  Yet another trip for my mom.  So dumb.  So I dug through my cupboard and found my vitamin box and took a 7 years old folic acid from being pregnant with C and popped that to get some on board.  Self-medicating with folic acid, well, there's far worse things... I should be cheery today for all the Bs, right?  [eye roll]

And now, sitting on my couch, hot pad on my shoulder/back to try and ease up this stupid cancer-shoulder pain... I think it's the super cold weather we are having.  It's sunny and clear and -6 today... that's super cold for our town!  So, cozied in I am.  Gonna sip tea and doze my day away and have a visit with a dear friend whom I haven't seen in far too long (thank goodness for texting, right M?).

Today is a good day.  I needed B12 and God provided when there was none to be found.

God is good, all the time.

Even when I am snapping at the kids and testy and tired and bitchy and grumpy and gross and just unenjoyable to be around (which happens a fair bit, sorry to say).  But I feel a lightness for having switched off the chemo+trial.  I just wasn't able to settle into it, and I usually can.  I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm worried that God's plan for my life and my plan for my life won't be the same.  And mostly, I am jealous that if I die I won't be here to enjoy life with my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, you all.  Jealous.  That is my deepest, darkest emotion about dying.  I fear that the actual dying/death part will be painful or gross (coughing and gagging and choking and stuff is my biggest physical gross-out) and that I won't be able to be me and that everyone will be emotionally wrecked from watching me go through it.  But for me, mostly I feel jealous of what I would be missing as you all go on / through your days.

So I just keep trusting in God's plan for my life.  I hold tightly to the promises of Heaven.  I hold loosely to the very minimal planning I allow in our days (for there always seems to be a blip).  I cherish my children but work hard to hold my hand open, to not clutch too tight, just in case I die.  It's a constant shifting of emotions and coping and energy level and mental and emotional exhaustion.  And then some moments, it's not and everything is pretty normal... the new tired-Kristin/weak-Kristin normal, but still... smiles and laughing and silly and hounding the kids to do chores.

It is what it is.  There's a ramble for you.
[smile]

Thank you, God, for providing the B12.  It never occurred to me that you wouldn't, but I'm glad you did all the same.