Clinic Day

Cycle 3 starts tomorrow.  Chemo + Trial Drug.
Today is clinic (doctor and nurse) plus blood work.
Feeling blah about going to yet another medical appointment.
It's all I do.
This is full-time work with no paycheck, no schedule, no breaks, no camaraderie of peers.
Struggling to have joy. 
Our Christmas Tree is beautiful and makes me smile but I just feel sort of empty.
I have trained myself so strongly to live in the moment, anything else is too risky to think on and worry gets me nowhere, that I don't know how to look forward to things anymore.
It's all just appointments on the calendar.
That's not how I have purposed to live my life.
Not having success in figuring out this.
I don't think I'm depressed.
I'm just blah.
I'm tired of meds and hospital visits and blood work and needles and giving my history and answering the million questions to every doctor and nurse I see.  I will have been to a hospital 7 times/days in 11 days by the time tomorrow finishes up.  Would have been 8 times in 12 days but I postponed my Friday appointment.
Blah.
I want to talk about Christmas presents and spring break and holidays and fun stuff.  But I don't really want to talk about much of anything.  Blah.
This chemo/trial drug (no idea which one) have made me quick to cry, testy and short-tempered.
Frustrated.
Feeling claustrophobic.
I just want to feel joy and the thrill of something good.  For more than just the moment.
I want good feelings that linger.  I want to bask in the glow of a happy heart.
I am grateful.  I am thankful.  I am in awe of the kindnesses you keep pouring out on us. 
I guess that counts.  I'm not a total automaton if I can feel thankful.  That's good.
I'm sick of having cancer and would like to be healed now.

They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength, they will mount up on wings as eagles.  I have hope.  That's really the most important.

I haven't posted much lately because 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all' and all the posts I write in my head just sound like sadness or whining.  I don't spend all day sad.  I hope I don't spend all day whining.  I'm just feeling lost and alone and trapped I guess.  It'll pass.