- Peace for Shawn and I, for Kyle and Miranda and Braden and Connor, for our parents and siblings and nieces and nephews and inner circle friends watching and hurting as we go through this
- that God would keep soft our children's hearts toward Him through all the emotions of this hard journey
- strength and stamina; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually
- that the cancer shrinks to gone, gone, gone!
- gentle side effects to this second round of chemo
- family unity, harmony, love, strength, joy, happiness
- anything else you feel God puts on your heart

Monday, July 15, 2013

Feeling lost.

Had a follow-up cystoscopy (bladder scope) today.  Should have been routine, doctor found one small and one very small polyp.  "If it's cancer it would be really low grade" was his response.  He explained that this wasn't as surprise to him, given my type of cancer (urinary cancer).  The choice was to have a ten minutes surgery on a later date, or for him to laser the polyps today.  I trust his judgement and he decided to do the procedure right then.  It was gross and icky and uncomfortable and pretty intense.  Apparently I did really well.   When Shawn and I got back to the van I told him what happened and the tears flowed.  I couldn't stop crying.  I wasn't expecting news or bad news when I went today.  I had to wait 1 1/2 hours for my turn because a little 91yrs old man was super late for his appointment before me.  Tension.  God sent me an angel: the man waiting with me for his appointment shared stories of his new grandbaby, his trip to South America, he gave me a smile and told me it'd be alright.  God brought him to my morning, I needed the distraction.  When my angel-friend wasn't with me I kept having flashbacks to the last time I was in that part of the hospital just two days after hearing I had cancer.  It was dark and scary and I was in shock and the nurses and volunteer lady were amazing.  So, this morning was just a lot.  The good news today was that when I asked "how many times can you remove those polyps if they come back?" my doctor said "I have a patient who I've been following for twenty years... we just keep removing them".  So that was good.  My doctor was very positive.  Me, I am feeling very ... into myself.  I don't know what to think.  I don't know how to feel.  I just keep saying "thank you God" because I know it is He who is holding me upright and keeping me from crumpling.  This afternoon my hubby and kids and I worked on the chaotic mess that is our basement family room.  We did get lots accomplished and that felt good.  Please keep praying for Shawn and I and the kids and my parents and my sisters and our extended family and our friends?  Thank you.

I am having trouble hitting the 'post' button on this.  I don't know why.  I have been very honest with you, very open.  I am feeling very raw I think, emotionally confused and unsure and lost.  Living in each moment, focusing on the here and now.  Loving my husband and kids, thanking God for the day as it comes, rejoicing in the good and the miraculous.  It is curious to me that the doctor was very surprised that I am not on any meds except the thrombosis medication.  All along this journey the nurses have commented "really? you're not on anything" and I am chalking those up to miracles.  God is taking care of me, us, this.  I am grateful.  This morning was hard. The rest of the day was... moving forward.


  1. Keep moving forward Kris! You amaze me every step of the way!!

  2. Holding you in my heart, thoughts and prayers.

  3. Yes it's true! You constantly AMAZE me!
    You have held your chin up in these valley's and it's inspirational!
    Love you sis!

  4. Keep pressing forward friend. This is difficult, but we're here for you. YouROCK!


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