- Peace for Shawn and I, for Kyle and Miranda and Braden and Connor, for our parents and siblings and nieces and nephews and inner circle friends watching and hurting as we go through this
- that God would keep soft our children's hearts toward Him through all the emotions of this hard journey
- strength and stamina; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually
- that the cancer shrinks to gone, gone, gone!
- gentle side effects to this second round of chemo
- family unity, harmony, love, strength, joy, happiness
- anything else you feel God puts on your heart

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Morning thoughts.

Is it better to hold them close, be in their space, parent them all through the days?  Or, is it better to step back and watch and see that they can be fine without me?

Is it better to pursue relationships and be active in a friend's life?  Or, is it better to relax the relationship and let that person bond with others?

How to balance the 'here and now' with the 'doctors are just waiting for cancer to overtake me' with the desire and need for relationship?

Wanting to pour into my children's lives as I always have, but afraid that it would be harder for them if I was gone.

Being so sick during chemo did, somewhat, remove me from my children's lives.  But, there was hope that I was getting better each time.  There was the climb back up out of chemo darkness and they knew they could still come to me, although definitely with more care and quiet.

Wanting to rush and do and be and partake.  Afraid to let me own hopes soar... no, more afraid of the words that will dash those soaring hopes.  God keeps me soaring, Satan keeps trying to crash me, man/humans/doctors are just the messenger.

Yesterday it was as if cancer hadn't come. Almost.  Probably the closest to that I've had.  Even in the moments where my breathing was a little difficult or I had a cough and panic tried to set in, I still felt so normal, unencumbered, just almost free.  But even in those moments of feeling 'free-er than usual' I knew it was just that... not the true freedom I used to feel, live, enjoy, be.   And I felt lost.  I'm still struggling to figure out who this new Kristin is.  I am so changed.

I have joy.  And it is followed by tears.  I have anxious moments, which are quickly turned to praise for God's faithfulness and thankfulness for Him getting me this far.

I don't know how to talk to people, close people, anymore.  I feel so very careful about what I say, to protect myself from wandering thoughts.  To protect them from the hard and scary and crappy bits.  Living in the moment is good for me emotionally and panic-wise, but it feels a little hollow, too.  Part of the fun is in the looking-forward-to-it, and I'm afraid to look forward because that inevitably brings so many other unwanted thoughts with it.

So, back to focusing right here and now.  And a smile comes quickly to my face.  Right here, right now, I am enjoying summer holiday with the kids.  Right here, right now, I am enjoying the quiet of the house and the click of keyboard keys as B and I both spend some computer time.  I love watching him, the way he holds his hands, the way his lips sort of purse when he is in concentration.  I love hearing his little quiet whistles, and his whispers (a new skill!) make me smile because of all the "SHH!" I have done over the years to help remind him to "lower your volume".

I am smiling to think on how Shawn is still sleeping and how he looks in our bed.  I love how warm and squooshy C will be when he emerges and sleepy-eyes-lumbers down the stairs to find me for his good morning snuggles.  I know that M is going to be hard to wake today, just like every other day (mornings aren't her thing) and I know that her hair is going to be wild and wonderful and big-messy when she gets up.  And K, a tangle of teenager and blankets asleep all tumbled in his bed.   Ah, bliss.

Going to get some cuddles in, I hear kids stirring and clomping down the stairs.  [smile]


  1. As your sister I want... no, need... you to be open and honest with your thoughts and conversations. I know it's easier not to say some of the thoughts on our hearts and mind but since we are juggling the same emotions, sometimes it just needs to be said. Standing with you in this sis, and treasuring the 'normal' moments with you too. Love you!

  2. Kristen, just live in the NOW. None of us knows the future or what it holds for us, and whether sick or well, our days are in His hands. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment TODAY. Enjoy what He has given you today. Don't worry about how others will cope should God take you home...His grace is sufficient for you, and it will be sufficient for them as well. The devil would love to keep you in a state of worry so you can't enjoy the blessings God is giving you now. Be Wife, be Mom, be Sister, be daughter, all to the best you can TODAY. Tomorrow is another day, and it never comes. Praying for you Kristin, that God will so fill you with His love that worry, although a very human attribute, will flee, and victory will come. Live each day to the full, and whether they be few or many, only God knows, and He cares, and He also is there to take the fear and replace it with peace. Love you, girl!

  3. So tough, all that you are daily pondering & processing & balancing. Amongst it all, though, the hugs & love are real and solid and unchanging. So, I send tons of both right now...

  4. For what it's worth, Kristen, my mom died of cancer, when she was only 46 years old. She kept all that stuff to herself. I wish she had shared her thoughts and feelings openly because then maybe I'd feel like I knew her a bit more now that she's gone.I would remember more about who she was. So I agree with Phyllis and your sister, be open, tell them all your good, bad and ugly thoughts. You are quite an inspiration to me. Thank you for being so open in your blog. Your faith and trust in God, your Creator is inspiring. You are a strong woman because you lean on Him. Thank you so much for sharing...I will continue to pray for you and your family as you go through this journey together. Sharon


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