Faith and Hope and Me

Look what God planted in P!nterest for me today!  I came to blog about how I'm feeling, wanted to add an image or quote so went over to grab a file from my P!nterest account and THIS was the first thing I saw in the general home page.   God is good.

Tonight I am feeling unsettled, again.  Chemo tomorrow.  [sigh]  The thrombosis doctor was going to speak to my oncologist and, together, they would make a plan about using my port tomorrow or not.   As of this evening, I don't know if that conversation happened, so I will ask the chemo nurse tomorrow morning at my 8:15am (eek! so early) appointment.  I'm really hoping that the oncologist has advised the chemo nurse, but usually it is me who is informing the chemo nurse when I get there... and then they call right over to the oncologist and get the details.  Which is fine... due diligence, we must take care to do our own follow-up and be our best advocates.

Today my gut instinct was to call over to the MR Venogram department at Vancouver General, so I called and found out some confusion about my appointment this week.  My thrombosis doctor's lovely receptionist called right over and got things straightened out.  I'm still waiting to hear the date/time of my MRV, but am so glad I called today and that got back on track.  Due diligence, we must be our own best advocate.

What I'm feeling tonight is... curiosity, wondering what tomorrow will look like, praying that I have no more delays in the chemo, hoping that my blood pressure is fine and that my heart rate is fine (that's what delayed chemo and was the red flag that sent me to emerg last week), nerves about having chemo through my port, trying to decide if I should just skip the port and have chemo through IV instead....  gah!   Not overly full of "worry", though definitely feeling nervous... but thinking, wondering, have no real wisdom or medical knowledge with which to make a decision.  Oi.

I have a headache.  It seems to build in the late afternoon and evenings because I'm not napping these days.  I really need to nap but the increased anti-coagulant dosage is making me a bit antsy and I have trouble falling asleep.  Ah, the journey... it's twisting and turning and some moments I wonder how well I am truly keeping up with all this.  For the most part, taking it as it comes.  On the "eve of" chemo or tests or appointments, it is harder to maintain ... whatever it is that is "well-grounded".  I'm fine, but... I'm also nervous.   No more side tracks.  No more blood clots.  No more life threatening stuff.  That's what I'm praying.

Chemo tomorrow.  I've had two weeks off, again... last week's chemo was delayed.  The first chemo after a week off is always hardest... and I just wish we could keep on track, but I trust that God has a plan, that I am in God's plan, that even these delays are for a purpose that is for my good.  God is good, all the time.  He knows my nerves.  He loves me nerves and all.  He brings peace and He has a plan.  I am grateful.

I hope for complete healing and complete eradication of all cancer cells from my body.  I am certain that God loves me and cares for me and my family.