What "living with cancer" currently looks like.

Here's what living with cancer looks like for me right now.

My chemo is a 3 week cycle (week 1: chemo, week 2: chemo, week 3: no chemo).  In addition to the scheduled chemo and weekly bloodwork there was that recent 12 days hospital stay which was its own schedule-changer, additional appointments to coordinate, etc.   The bracketed weeks are 2weeks of spring break in which the kids are home from school... praying for sunshine!!!

Also, I'm still the Mom here.  So I still want to be the parent, the listener-to-how-school-was, the disciplinarian (cuz 14 yrs in I feel like I'm doing to a good job in raising these kids as they should go), the organizer-of-meals, the maker-of-lunches, the WIFE.  What all of that looks like is me making the effort to sit at the table for dinner (even though post-chemo days the smell just about does me in or the days 4-6 I am so weak I might not stay after we pray)... and yelling to or at the kids makes my blood pressure rise, and sometimes I can't even answer a simple question, and I have to ration energy (which means not going up and down the stairs more than the absolute must do). Plus, the belly injections which need to be remembered and energy put to the courage and organization and doing.  And meds-remembering... scheduled meds are great, the extra "if you still feel nauseas, take this" is hard for me to decide upon and take...I'm just really bad about deciding when to take them, trying hard to just do it and take the stupid pill at the start of the symptoms but in my real life, outside of cancer, I am not a pill taker... like, I take children's grav0l.

BUT, in between this is moments of 'normal'... the kids have the biggest smiles when they see me WALK into a room... they rush over to give me a full hug... a stand-up hug means "Mommy is okay".  The kids have all been so incredibly gracious in taking the moments as they come.  All six of us at the dinner table is another time I see 'normal'...and the kids don't pussy-foot around worrying about being too loud or too afraid of me/cancer/sick however their young minds define the hard bits.

Spring Break is coming up... trying to make plans for some fun.  The first week is no chemo but germ-super-careful which means no public outings or crowds.  Praying for sunshine so we can at least do picnics at the park or other outside fun!  The second week is chemo but not germ-worries (though I still avoid crowds and we are super careful which limits the usual things like Science World, etc) so will aim for some fun days in there, too.  I wish we were going somewhere sunny...or with a hot tub... away for a family vacation!!!!  [smile]

As for a social life... well... due to the germ-super-careful days (seriously folks, when the doctor warns you, and every nurse warns you, and they send you home from hospital with a huge stack of the good masks...you heed the warnings that the common cold can land you in the hospital or kill you!) ... my social life is stilted.  I'm a never-at-home Momma... in my real life.  I love going for coffee, or wandering certain shops or craft stores with friends.  I love restaurants and outings and just going... my Mom is a total adventurer that way, I got it from her!  Being trapped at home, and not being able to have visitors for those 8 days of every 3weeks cycle... [groan].  And then there's scheduling... cuz the rest of the world still has work and their own families and their own stuff to do.  So I am super-grateful for texting.  Texting means connected to the world beyond my door.  Faceb00k provides glimpses into your lives.  Email is a little conversation point, point of contact.  Comments here... priceless.  Even just a hello!  I'm bummed that you can't make comments from your smartphones, such a pain!  I wonder if you can from the Bl0gger app?  Can someone try and let me know?

So today, there will be a few errands to get done before the "days 4-6 super-weak and ill" tend to hit.  The kids are off to school, I made lunches all by myself today... yay!!!!   I am feeling stronger each day physically (though still not what I was... yet) post-blood-clot emergency (I never know what to call that situation but wowza did it have a huge impact, was having some sad flashbacks last night at 5am).  Will take my 2:30-4:00 ish daily nap cuz your body heals when it sleeps, it rejuvenates when it sleeps, your mind rests when it sleeps... and I totally find that to be true!

May your day be awesome!  May you see the silver linings!  May you feel the blessings of God, of family, of friends!  I will enjoy the same!  There is ALWAYS a silver lining!!!

Kristin