Tonight

Super tired, low energy, queasy but too-lazy-slash-tired-to-go-get-meds. Had a big sleep this afternoon. This morning was pretty intense at the first hour and a half. I suddenly burst into the start of an ugly cry after my nap, couldn't get tears out, didn't want the crying headache and couldn't actually cry. [chuckle] was kinda strange, the cry just choked back. No reason to cry but needed to let the intensity out I guess: it was a rough start but the chemo got in and I am so grateful.

Today, recap:
A friend had asked me what I meant by the 'chemo burning' from this morning's post.  The 'burning' was caused by the one chemo I take ... because the oncologist and thrombosis (vein) doctors decided to not use my port today (the last two chemo times ended up with life threatening blood clots developing) I had an IV instead.  My veins are tiny and squiggly (the medical term... the needle either blows throw and collapses the vein or the vein just stops and won't go all the way in).   That one chemo causes the veins to spasm, which felt like an 8" hot needle running from my knuckle (the IV was inserted just above my left pointer finger, the only vein they could make work, ouch) to about half way up my fore arm.   It was very intense, caused my eyes to water.  The nurse actually turned the chemo off for one minute to give me a break from the burning and intensity.  The second half of that same chemo the nurse wrapped my hand and arm in more hot towels to help the veins, and they also mixed the chemo with sugar water as this is known to help.   There was one point where my body just started crying on me unexectedly... and my nurse spotted those tears from across the entire room and came over to check on me.  She was far away!  "Hey Bud, are those tears I see in the corners of your eyes?  Do you need a break?"  Me, "No, just get it done."  Second nurse joins in (they are incredible... like super Spidey Senses, how did they just know I was in tears as I was trying to discreetly wipe them away?)  They conferred, "She just wants to get it done... only 14 minutes left..."  And we trucked through.  I think the tears were, in part, due to the beautiful and loving texts I was receiving from my inner circle.  I had told my Mom that I wasn't able to read them in that moment and would read them later... but then my Dad texted me from his Daddy heart and it got me.  [smile]  Mom offered to sing to me (her little distraction technique... I always laugh and tell her "no, I'm saving that for the really bad days!"  She is a great singer, I know I will love the songs-from-Grandma-M's-house songs she will sing... I just... am saving that for the super-rainy day should it come).  I tend to distance myself mentally in the medical moments, otherwise it is too hard to be the patient, feel the feelings, advocate, answer questions, take stock in how my body is acting/reacting to the meds on board.  I am so thankful for the peace I woke in this morning.  God is good.  All the time.

Mom laughed at me... as we were nearing the end of the second bag of chemo I commented, "My arm is sore, feels kind of numb, the whole thing is just aching... let's go to Winners!"  She sputtered out a laugh... like, had she been taking a sip of her coffee, it would have been a full spit.  Priceless!  Her, "Here she's talking about how sore her arm is, and then she wants to go shopping!"  or something like that.  She got a good chuckle!  And we did get to Winners, found some fun scrapbooking things (of course!) and a dress for my daughter for my brother-in-law's upcoming wedding!  Success.  And then the exhaustion hit and a came home to a huge nap that just didn't want to end.  Eventually I got up, took my meds, ate some pretzels and a blended apple-juice-and-ice.  Now watching the Just!n T!mber1ake experience on tv... um, he's awesome!

And the chemo is chomping up the cancer and then both are leaving my body... yay running-to-pee-every-30-minutes-as-I -drink-lots-to-get-the-chemo-out-and-avoid-constipation!!!   

Thanks for listening to my ramble.  Sweet dreams to you tonight!
Kristin