Parenting and cancer: is hard. If you've ever tried parenting-from-the-other-room, you know that you cannot see, nor instruct, nor discipline through walls, nor around corners. For me, with this new blood clot situation, I am significantly slowed down and physically walking even from couch to kitchen is the limit of my distance and stamina. Trying to re-figure things out.
Frankly, I'm sick of the hospital stays that keep derailing my chemo routine. I just want the chemo in and out and done! Yesteryday's CT Scan showed "the cancer is VERY DIMINISHED" (doctor's words)... which is super awesome because the CT is the better indicator than the X-ray. And hey, can you really ever hear the message "your cancer is shrinking" too many times??? Um, NO! [smile]
Chemo this week was pushed to next week. They will access my port again. This makes me nervous, scared, worried, anxious, afraid. I trust God. I do. And, still I am nervous about all these low odds of rare side effects that keep trying to kill me... seriously .6% chance of the 12 days emergency stay swelling clot... and then 'very rare to get a clot when on blood thinners' of yesterday. [sigh] You can't trust and fear at the same time... so I'm laying the fear down a lot. And God gives me peace... and is so patient even when I take up the fear again... and then He just waits and gives me peace again when I lay it down again. Thank you, Lord, for putting up with my crazy. You are good.
God is bigger. I know that. Hearing the heart-prayers of our kids each night does fortify me. I love hearing their trust and hope and open smiles to God.
The new needles: sucky. The increased lightheadedness, also sucky. The worry about falling or bumping my head and the dire warnings against that, [groan]. BUT, I am glad to be home, even in the chaos that is "home" as routines fall, as too much tv is being watched, as life just keeps happening even with me just laying about. Not feeling overly 'whiny', but sort of ... just trying to figure out the new normal again.
Hearing the joy on the kids' voices as they ran into the house and heard my voice, home from hospital... them saying, "MOMM-EEEEEEEEEEE!" and running for hugs: PRICELESS.
Glad and grateful and grateful and grateful to come home again.
I could almost hear the kids squeals from across town :)
ReplyDeleteI hate the derailed part but trusting there is a reason for this speedbump and that its all part of God's plan for you!
Sounds like you are just rolling with the punches!
ReplyDeleteKristin! you are an inspiration... everytime I read this my mind is blown away & my heart is moved - moved to thank God for you and praise Him for his faithfulness. You are so courageous with all that icky-yucky stuff and with trusting God in spite of these derailments. Only He can give us that kind of grace. You're in my thoughts & prayers every day, dear cousin! Devana
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