First day of summer vacay...

Enjoying our first day of summer vacation today!  We are planning on being super lazy, watching some tv, reading some books, maybe playing a board game or two.  The kids and I love summer vacation and we all look forward to these days together.  Some days will be lazy, some days will be an adventure, some will have house organizing and clean-up, some will be a combination of these things.  Today we must make our Summer Manifesto so that we don't forget to do the things we were "waiting til summer vacation" to do... that happened to us last year!  Doh! 

My follow-up oncology appointment (to get the CT results) keeps getting moved around as my oncologist had a personal emergency and I am being shuffled and rescheduled as the new oncologist arrives.  I'm not in a huge rush for that appointment.  I mean, not knowing is easier for me.  Ignorance does have an element of bliss.  [smile]  I just want to enjoy this summer with the kids.  And the next one.  And the next one.  For the rest of my life... which I hope is super long.

Some days I feel like I spend about 50% of my time and energy on fighting off fear, big and small.  It is amazing to me how quickly my thoughts turn dark, my hopes disappear, a tender moment or memory reduces me to tears.  I spend a lot of time in full on crying.  Even typing this, the tears are threatening and I am fighting them back.  Raw.  My emotions must be pretty raw.  And full.  My heart is so full.  I am constantly reminded... God brings me the joy-memory always in such perfect timing... of all the great moments and times and experiences and relationships and and and that I have had in my 41 years.  Incredibly blessed.  I am so incredibly blessed.  It's hard not to get stopped by the memories and to look up, look forward to the good yet to come.  And then I smile and the tears stop and the kids are yelling and ki-yi-ing and fooling around and cause my eyes to roll in happy-mom-dom and then life starts moving forward out of the panic moment again.  God is good.

So, that's what's up right now.  I was able to attend the year end assembly at the littles' school yesterday.  I can't fathom that I lost an entire school year, my brain was confused walking through the halls... how can it be year end already?  We didn't barely start yet.  Strange.  I'm usually so actively involved in my kids' school and homework and daily life and I have strong moments of mourning what I missed this year.  And even so, what quickly springs to mind is all the together-time we spent in this living room, on this couch, watching this tv... together, in the same room, sitting, being, spending time, my love language.  And so I feel actually celebratory about these chemo months.  Celebratory, happy, thrilled even.  How weird is that?!?!   That has got to be God. 

Focusing on this moment.  Praising God for this day, for this time, for this moment.  THIS one.  Right here.  With kids screeching and teasing and wrestling and being loud... usually we are a quiet house, they have their own emotions and chemo-months energies to get out. 

Summer Vacation, we love it!