It feels good to be able to read. My eyes need a bigger font, but I'm doing well with retaining what I have read which is awesome! I was just texting with Kori and telling her how I'm finding it hard to have conversation with anyone other than Mom, Dad, Keri, Kori, Shawn... the people that have been here with me constantly these past 7 months. They saw me at my very worst, smiled when I smiled, cried when I was crying, had their own moments of being brave with me/for me and then (I'm sure) crashing through their own emotions once they got to their car or their home. Thank you to any of you who took time to text or phone or chat with my family ... the support it takes to support me through cancer is mind-boggling and I am so glad that you were supporting them through this. Thank you!
So, I am reading. So I can expand my topics for discussion and feel like I am more than just my cancer experience once again. Or at least in part... being a cancer patient ... well, I still have tests to do, doctor appointments to attend, port maintenance appointments (they have to flush Herman and make sure he is working every 4 weeks), and daily shots...
Yesterday I ran into two ladies at two separate points in my day. Both of them praying daily for me and my family. Both of them such a blessing already. Seeing them, and being seen by them in real life... priceless!
Guilt. I feel guilty about driving out of my drive way. I feel guilty when I 'get caught' at a store... I am still sick, we still have meals coming and so I feel bad to be out of the house... not sick on the couch... like, I should just get on with my life now. It's a weird place to be. I would love to get back to 'normal'... but I'm not sure that will ever happen again... the new 'normal' will, quite possibly, forever feel like shifting sands in a windy and vast and terrifying-yet-beautiful desert.
Also, I'm getting really good at picking my stilling-falling-out hair from my food without skipping a beat or missing a bite. [eye roll] I also feel guilty about whining about my bald spot. And I feel sneaky-guilty when I am out but my bald spot is strategically combed-over and you can't see it. I'm caught between letting that bald spot shine, or going full-on DTru mp and keeping it hidden. You know that saying "don't sweat the small stuff"... well, the small stuff is what freaks me out. Just laugh. I'm a little wonky maybe.
Off to eat my turkey and cheese quesadilla and read my book!
Have a great day... and smile at someone just because!!!
Kristin
Normally I would say that comb-overs are a big no-no but in your case I give you full permission to comb-over as often as you like. ;)
ReplyDeleteStill praying for you every day. ((hugs))
Comb-over is acceptable on a woman :)
ReplyDeleteKeep the guilt at bay... nobody wants to see you get better and out and about than the people who have been helping you along the way. If anything, smile and be yourself!
The love and prayers will keep on coming!!
Seeing you improve and out doing regular stuff would be pretty amazing. Do what you like as you feel like doing it!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are not just reading, you must be power reading! That was just yesterday & you were halfway through already this morn!? You're prob finished it by now! Glad you are finding the focus & r being entertained :) (but dont give our Gram any ideas! Haha)
ReplyDeleteWe know that it takes a huge effort for you to do these things that you have been missing. We are THRILLED that you have been able to do more. We also know that a little outing means coming home to crash! There is no time for guilt...you need to be gaining strength and muscle mass! So proud of you!
ReplyDeleteYou are one of a kind a delightful young woman. The love of Jesus shines through you. It was a delight seeing you the other day, you not only made my day, you increased in me a boost of faith. So good to see you out, even that took a push of faith I'm sure. My prayer is that the Lord will continue to touch your life with healing....may you be blessed to overflowing!
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