Thrombosis Clinic Day

Mom and I are headed in to Vancouver this morning, in the torrential rain, for my three month blood clots follow-up. Still amazed and thankful to know those clots are miraculously gone!!! Please pray for me as I will be REALLY disappointed when he tells me I have to keep up the injections. I'm trying to be all "thank you, Lord, for these shots that saved my life" but really I'm all "ah, crap I didn't do my shot yet" and "I hate this" every time. Plus, my belly is sore and bruised and hideous looking and I just want this entire cancer chapter behind me. Eek, I don't ever even tease myself with thoughts of that. I can't believe I actually wrote it. I completely believe that God can heal and I hope that He will, but I don't know how to balance the trusting and believing and "His will" of it... So that is actually what I usually pray/ say when I am talking to God, "I
believe You can heal me, I ask that You will heal me, Your will be done, please give me peace and bring peace to my family and friends around me." [wide eyes bugging, head shaking, shoulders shurgging]. How else should I do? It actually makes "being in this moment" easier... In THIS moment, I'll just smile and know that God has a plan and I am in it. That's my best daily philosophy overall.

May you feel God's presence in YOUR day!

Kristin

PS~ As a side note, as my head has cleared the last two weeks post-chemo, i have had several flashbacks to that night in February when i was told I would not make it. The time of day is unknown to me (ie, how many hours passed though I know I went in to emerg in the morning and got to my room closer to midnight) but I think I was fairly aware for much of the day, I heard everything spoken even with my eyes swollen shut and being so tired. It has been interesting to feel the moments, relive the events and tests (I remember x-rays with the techs having to prop me to sitting, move my arms like I was a puppet, I could hear but was unable to /no energy to move) and things said. I remember getting to the ward and asking my nurse, "Is this where people go to die? Can people go home (get better) from here?" I didn't know where I was, the halls were dark and I thought they had taken me to near the morgue. I remember being very confused and not wanting to be alone but my mom and dad and sisters weren't allowed in while the nurses hooked me up and settled me in and it was creepy... the first emotion I had in that day. Even thinking of that moment on the ward now has me in tears. The intensity of thinking I had been taken there to die. Not knowing where I was. Not knowing why I was there. Not the possibility of dieing but the unknown and the alone... How do people do life without God? I am constantly turning to Him, He is here always, He cares for me always, I can talk to Him always. Each of us can, just talk to Him. I cherish His peace. I am sitting here, tears streaming, praying. Oi, that was a tangent-y ramble!!! [smile]

It has been interesting to watch/feel the emotions roll over me now when I was so calm (in emerg) then.