Nervous Energy

Just sitting here, waiting for Mom to arrive to take me to my hospital appointments.  Feeling nervous energy building.  I'll do better once we are there.  It's the drive that gets me these days.

Have wanted to post some thoughts, some responses, some ramblings, but haven't been able to.  I think I'm partly scared of getting too deep into my own head.  Not sure what crazy thoughts or huge fears are lurking there.  Actually, that's not true.  I know exactly what's lurking there and I just don't feel brave enough to deal with it.  Actually, that's not true, either.  I know I am brave enough because I am brave in Christ, I am strong because I have God's strength through me, helping me.  I just don't wanna.  I don't wanna deal with scary stuff or sad stuff or hard stuff any more.  Not for now.  Not for ever.  Not for a long, long, long while.  I just want everything to be great and everyone I know to be great and everything to just be the fairytale I was living and knowingly enjoying before.  Before 'this'.

So many people who read this blog have told me how my openness has blessed them, how it has helped them to help a friend who wasn't as open at sharing their cancer journey or struggles.  Reading my blog has helped some of you relate differently/better/ more or help differently/better / more (your words) to other people in your life.  I love that.  You telling me that has blessed me, helped me to feel purpose in my crappy days and hard moments, knowing that you might glean something from my blog that would enable you to better love on someone else has brought me joy in hard, hard times.  Thank you for telling me.  It has also kept me motivated, made me feel responsible/have a job to do (which gives me purpose outside of being a patient), accountable, to keep up the blogging in detail.  Keeping it honest and being open is just me... I'm a 'heart on sleeve' kind of girl and for some of you that's probably sometimes too much, so thanks for slogging through and keeping reading this blog anyway!  [huge smile]


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Back from my mammogram and ultrasound follow-up.  Did the port flush.  The ultrasound tech shared that 'everything looks the same [as it did 6 months ago]', which is a good thing.  The nurse will phone me maybe even tomorrow with results.  The port flush had me nervous but the nurse was able to get me hooked up (accessed) and draw blood (yay) right away!  Thank you Lord!!!!

Now I am home and tired, going to the hospital is mentally draining.  I couldn't even eat breakfast this morning, I was just feeling out of sorts about it all.  Glad it's done.  Yay!