Choice

My local oncologist told me that in a trial you, the patient, hold all the power.  To participate, to continue, to stop.  But is it really a choice if the other option is aggressive cancer taking over your body at an alarming rate?  In a counselling course I once took we learned that in choice you can choose A or B or nothing.  Remember, choosing nothing is also a choice.   In this case the choice seems to be trust or not trust or try to figure it out.  I feel ill-equipped to figure it out...it circles back to chemo or die.  The nuances of the choosing to be part of a trial or not are really moot.  I want to be in God's plan, and so I know He'll work it out as it should.  I won't worry. I don't worry.  But Shawn and I have to discuss and decide and choose and try and figure out these impossible things.  There is a form to sign.  That is a huge responsibility.  And it makes me feel so spent. I am rambling.  I just need to write it out.  Exhausted.