Today.

Last week was a doozy.  Every single day was something that required massive emotional effort.  I was barely floating through the week.  I was not eating.  I was sleeping but not feeling rested.  I was definitely depressed and blue and struggling and feeling nothing at all all at once.  I just felt so helpless.  Not hopeless, but not hopeful.  Not even hope-ish.  Just gloomy.  It was so hard.  Crying and crying at random moments.  Stoic when I should have been sad.  Each moment was an accomplishment and I had peace in those moments... but almost to the point of just not feeling.  Time had no meaning and I just felt so lost.   Saturday night, almost into Sunday morning, I felt a God-put-it-there thought... and I cannot for the life of me remember what it was.  But, I do know that in that moment, still void of emotion, just laying in my bed resting, God met me and gave me a nugget of wisdom that was a catalyst for changed.  I wish I remember what it was.  I wish I had it written down because it was clearly big for me in that moment.  All I know is that I woke up Sunday morning feeling like I was on the upswing.  I still am drained, so very tired, struggling with coughing that gags me to the point of almost throwing up, random burning from my port and in my shoulder rotator area and sometimes like wicked tennis elbow.  I also pulled a muscle coughing the other morning and now to breathe or move or cough can be exruciating (I did call the massage therapist today and hope to get that resolved pdq).    All that to say that although my physical situation hasn't changed, my emotions are less glum and my heart is more me, and I am feeling okay again.  I think last week was just too many things.  And Diane's surgery... my heart was breaking and so to hear "no cancer"... I can't even tell you how incredibly relieved I was and am, I cry every time I see that text in my mind. 

This week I have an appointment with my trial nurse and then bloodwork and a bone scan.  Will you please be in prayer that the bone scan will be clear of cancer or any worrying things?  Please?  My bladder was almost fully clear (there was a 1cm bump that is not yet a polyp)  and so I'm claiming 'no cancer'.  We know there is cancer in my lungs.  Let there be not cancer in any bones.  That is my fervent prayer.  I also pray that whatever we face I will have peace and trust and I ask that God will sustain my emotions and my spirit in all circumstances. 

Next week I will meet with my oncologist and, if I am cleared to join the trial, will begin chemo the next day.  Chemo is set for October 16th in Vancouver.   Mom will be driving, as she did last round.  Please hold her in your prayers as it is a long day without the drive and now she will be commuting me home in rush hours. 

I can feel your prayers carrying us through.  I am so grateful for the gas vouchers and financial support people are giving.  I see names signing up on the meal plan and my heart is glad for the help.  Please keep praying and helping and supporting, we can't do this without God and you are His hands and feet as you help us.  Thank you.

Going into this again so soon has me curious as to how my body will handle it.  Because I'm not coming out of surgery and because I'm not recovering from a huge blot clot, maybe the chemo will be less harsh.  Also, the chemo I was on is one of the hardest chemos there is, so by default this should be less hard, right?!  Right.  [smile]

Thank you for holding us up.
Kristin

Proverbs 31 Ministries

Real faith isn’t a hopeful wish. Real faith is making the decision that no matter the outcome, we’ll choose to see it as God’s perfect answer.

Through the good. Through the not-so-good. And even through the down right awful- we will trust God. Now, this doesn’t mean we won’t cry and express hurt. But it does mean we’ve decided it’s better to have lived trying to take leaps of faith with God, than to walk away from Him.

{Thanks Lysa TerKeurst for this!}