October 29: 1 year survivor

Today is October 29, 2013.
One year.  It has been one year since I heard the tearful words from my doctor, 'I'm sorry to tell you, you have cancer..." 

I hoped to feel celebratory today.  Champagne.  We did it!  One year survivor.

I feel some sad and mostly nothing.  Just going to let the day and the emotions unfold as they will.

Praying for peace for Shawn, for my parents, my sisters, our extended family.  This date will forever be the day that everything crashed.  Only faith remains.  All else lost stability, dependability, the comfort of 'normal'. 

Thankful for all the blessings.  For the friends and even strangers who have gathered around us in support.

Don't know what else to feel these days.  Grasping at joy, receiving God's peace, trying hard to do family stuff with the kids to keep life not-always-so-sad for them.  Everything overwhelms.

God is here.  Of this I am sure.  Everything else is neutrals.

I am a ghost in my own life. 

Just trying to figure out... adjust really... to "this".

One year.  We did it.  I can acknowledge the awesomeness, "we did it!!!" of this.  There were points in this year that we didn't think I would see one year.  So, I choose to smile and let hope build and joy lift my day.  Hooray.  [tired little smile]