- Peace for Shawn and I, for Kyle and Miranda and Braden and Connor, for our parents and siblings and nieces and nephews and inner circle friends watching and hurting as we go through this
- that God would keep soft our children's hearts toward Him through all the emotions of this hard journey
- strength and stamina; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually
- that the cancer shrinks to gone, gone, gone!
- gentle side effects to this second round of chemo
- family unity, harmony, love, strength, joy, happiness
- anything else you feel God puts on your heart

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Waking up, grateful

Waking up from an eight hours sleep for the second night in a row... thank you Lord!  Thank you Pray-ers!  What a difference 8 hours makes, I am so very glad!  The weird side effect to the eight hours sleep is that my mind is clear as I wait for the next meds to kick in... and a clear mind isn't always good.  Soon comes the thinking, next comes tears, my cozy bed becomes an open field with me the easy target for Satan's attacks.  Get behind me Satan, you shall not prevail.  Jesus never fails.  And in rushes peace... but in a soft, gentle, snowflakes-falling sort of way... but really fast, like a heated blanket thrown over cold toes.  God is good.  Really, really good.  I am grateful.

Thank you Lord, I woke up.  I am alive.  I am healthy.  I am grateful for one more day with my husband and my kids and my family and my friends.  And I fully claim and hope and plan and look forward to zillions of days more.  And I thank you.

This week has been a fairly normal thing... lots of visiting and time spent (totally my "love language"!).  Two pre-op appointments at the hospital were a hard, deep-breathe-me-through-it dose of reality... I prefer less reality.  Really, 'most every nurse and doctor have been incredible and compassionate.  If they have read my file, they almost always say (in a nice and caring way, so that's been really sweet) "it's been a lot [of news] for you really quick" with a kind smile or a hand on my shoulder.  And in that moment I open my mind and heart to let their loving kindness rush in... God's loving kidness rushing in through them... to quick-fill me up before the panic of what they are saying can even get a finger on me.

I have no idea how Shawn gets through these appointments.  My heart goes out to him, my brain knows I should be supporting him more/better/differently.  I try.  But I can barely make eye contact these days.  It's too much.  Eye contact with any one is a really lot of work.  I can see them working through their emotions and I just want to be there for them... but I'm pouring so much into my thoughts and my own emotions that I feel a shell of the emotional caregiver I like to be.  I trust that God is caring for my people...His people, for He cares for you all... through other means right now.  Thank you God for loving my husband and my children even more than I ever could... cuz I love these people to bits.  I know that when people leave from here the topic of conversations is about me, not in an "ain't I grand" sort of way, but in a heart-heavy way because so many family and friends care so incredibly deeply for me, for my family, for this.  I am grateful.  The love really is palpable.  Really, I can feel it.  It is amazing.  Like a weighted blanket, just the right weight.  Sometimes a burden because I hate to see others suffering, but mostly a blanket I cozy myself right into and know that God is in control of.  I don't need to over-worry, over-think... He's got this.  Thank you Lord.

Our Christmas tree is up.  It is beautiful.  The kids did a fabulous job on the front, bottom quadrant! [wink]  Uncle helped my son1 (my eldest...get it, he's a SON and he's FIRSTborn) add two extra strings of lights on the back of the tree (conveniently, there weren't many ornaments there!) and then daughter added some mauve sparkley balls to the colour-wonder of baubles that is our tree.  And it is beautiful.  And it is twinkly.  And it is calming and soothing and joyful and pretty.  All is calm, all is bright.  I love it.

My shoulder pain is releasing, it is a 2 out of 10 (which the nurse told me means I might want meds but I'm fine without).  Praise Jesus!  Thank you for praying!!!  Your prayers were answered through the beautiful anesthesiologist who took the time to arrange my meds and suggest what would help best.  That same beautiful man also reminded Shawn and I that God might heal me miraculously, which would rock!!!  Or, God might heal me through surgery and medical intervention... again, it's patience and trust.  I hadn't forgotten, but I wanted to make sure that YOU know that I KNOW that.

Cool thing... I'm really not good at the "what's your pain, on a scale of 1 to 10" question.  I mean "worst pain ever"???  I don't know, having my arm ripped off sounds pretty painful, so if that's a 10, why am I whining???   And the lovely-kind pre-op nurse explained what the scale meant to medical staff... so now I'm not afraid of answering wrong.  Now I understand how to better communicate with my team so that they can better help me.  That was such a huge relief to me.  Again, God is good.  He showed her what I needed to know, and gave her an explanation that made sense to me.  I love it.

So, another rambling post as the toast (fact about Kristin: I am not a fan of bread but I'm less a fan of medicine giving me a gut-ache!) settles in and the meds settle in... and now I shall drift back to slumber.  Ah, sweet sleep.

I pray that God will bless your day.  I ask that He will make sure that you know and feel His love today.  I ask that your eyes will be open to blessings and that your heart will swing open to received grateful-for-it-moments!!!

Thank you for your love and prayers. Your prayers are palpable to me.  I see them swirling around me like happy dancers and I feel them touching lightly and flitting around me, holding me up and pushing me forward.  Sincerely, thank you.


1 comment:

  1. shoulder pain releasing?! miracles :)
    (luv it when I can see the connection to my specific prayers - the one phrase ones I pray MANY times daily when I log in at work, using my Kristin-reminder passowrd :) )
    Yes, it is a fact, God IS good.


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