Today is a lovely day. Mom and Dad put together a wienie roast and ice cream social for us at a local playground. The weather is lovely, the company was great, the kids had fun, I didn't even cry once, though I will admit the tears threatened because that's what happens when my heart is just content. I cry. Tears flow. It's how I do. [shrug]
Tomorrow is Cycle 6: Week 2: my last chemo in these cycles. I have a thousand thoughts and emotions, most of which are fear and worry and wondering and fear and panic and wonder and then all the talking-myself-out-of-panic that accompanies all that. The verses and sayings and thoughts that God keeps bringing me are this: live in this moment, celebrate this moment, focus on Me in this moment, just be here, right now. And that is what I'm trying to remember to do. Man but that's tough. Why the heck is that so hard to do? I mean, I'm the kind of girl who makes grocery lists and forgets them at home. I'm the friend that you call last minute and I'll drop everything to come hang with you. It's me, the one who is always up for the quick-help, jump in with both feet just cuz I want to see you that much, in the moment-y girl. And yet... to be in the non-panic moments and just revel in peace... oooooh, Satan is working hard to keep me out of that zone. I spend a lot of thoughts on reciting and reminding myself of the Bible verses and wisdom and good talk/positivie thoughts mindset. Sometimes the panic hits, and the anti-panic thoughts are thrown onto the panic and sort of swoosh up like gas on flames... and then quickly a Sunday School song from my childhood, or an old hymn from church services long, long ago will quickly fill the gap and sort of just float me into peace. People, be bringing your kids to church, make Sunday School a part of your routine, I just can't tell you enough how many times "I'm so glad Mom and Dad took us to church / Sunday School / Youth Group" have come to my mind through these cancer-y months. So so so many. So many. Those moments along my childhood have totally been my life jacket in this. Please, honestly, huge. Those truths, hide them in your hearts. God is good, His Word is good, I am grateful. Honestly. Often I find the song "You might as well get thee behind my, Satan, you shall not prevail, because Jesus never fails" swelling and flowing through my mind... kind of fake-it-til-you-make-it when the panic hits and I'm scrambling to get through it/ past it/ above it... and the words, they settle me, the truth, it is my life line. God is bigger. He is here. He is mighty to save me even from my own crazy thoughts. I am grateful.
And today. Sitting at the park with my family, my parents, my extended family, my sisters and brothers-in-law and nieces and nephews. Sitting on the deck these past few days, just really concentrating on being IN the moment of sunshine and smiles and really listening and really focused on what it before me... priceless. A lesson I know that God has been trying to focus me on, get my attention on for a few years now. A busy-ness that comes partly with having pre-school aged children, four children, children's activities, starting a career, pushing through university, life, marriage, house, chores, blah blah blah. All that stuff. Not bad stuff, not unimportant stuff, but... I'm working on listening and being IN the moment now. This is a season for learning, listening, gleaning, wisening up. hearing, being present.
Tomorrow is our last chemo. I have a thousand thoughts and emotions. What I am concentrating my energy on is God's peace, freely given for me to receive.