Mornings.

[sigh]
Mornings seem to be the hardest for me these days.
My body is slow to wake.  My mind is not.  No good comes from laying in bed waiting.
I pray.  I rest.  I think.  Thinking leads to heart-full, heart-full leads to joy-tears, joy-tears lead to fears of leaving.
I'm not afraid of being dead.  Dead means I will be in Heaven with God.  Leaving makes me sad.  Suffering or hurting or however a person can die of cancer makes me nervous that I couldn't be brave enough to get through without traumatizing my husband and kids and family.  These are the thoughts that come to me in the mornings while my body wakes.  Will I ever bounce out of bed, carefree, again?  I trust so.  Right now it is rolling memories, rolling thoughts, rolling emotions, praying, and a lot of 'get thee behind me Satan, you shall not prevail' and asking God for help.  Literally, I say, "Help."  I don't know how else to get through those moments without a full-on panic.  Sometimes the panic is building, boiling up, my heart cries, "HELP" or whimpers, "help" or begs, "heeehlp" and help comes.  God is good.  We need only ask and trust and believe and know and just trust.  Trust.
My Summer Manifesto {want to do} list builds and then I emotionally push it away.  For months I haven't been able to make a meal for my family, literally can't stand long enough to make mac&cheese.  Don't want to make promises I can't keep... to the kids, nor to me.  Trying to figure out balance between realistic and disappointment.  Pushing away the fears of 'the big disappointment' which would be CT results I don't like.  I just want to go forth in joy and bliss.  Bliss.  Bliss is that state of pure happiness and just carefree weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!   I want that.  I know we will have that.  I'm working really hard on clinging to that.
Is this how the athletes feel after the 0lympics... so... now what?  I'm sure this emotional upheaval is part of everything I didn't have time to sort through during chemo, I know that my physically depleted body is so very connected to dragging down my clear-thinking and my emotions, I know that this is part of the process.  Rest, just rest.  That's what God has whispered. 
I'm reading lots of snippets of Isaiah.  I like that book of the Bible.  There is lots of good cheer in there.  When I set upon certain verses I can just feel God smiling, His love coming through His Words, sunshine on my back.