Reflection: randoms in the early hours when a 6 yrs old climbs into your bed and you don't fall back asleep

loss	innocence.  I have always known death was there, cancer in me has opened my eyes to seeing death lurking in the shadows, I feel marked somehow, like in a fantasy novel.  Get behind me Satan, you shall not prevail because Jesus never fails. [huge smile on my face] God’s peace shines so brightly, filling the shadows, Satan cowers and shrinks back.  God’s peace is so good.  Thank you, Lord.
gain	my parents and my sisters.  I told them first.  Kori then Keri then Shawn then Dad and Mom.  In that instant of speaking it, “I have cancer” something changed, in that instant I was given a gift of physical and emotional closeness which I have wanted my whole life.  I don’t know how I will let them acclimatize back into their own lives and stop hoarding their time and their texts and their physical closeness, I don’t want to.
God	is bigger.
missed	C o k e.
craved	sandwiches.  Q u i z n o s,  S u b w a y, S a f e w a y deli… mmmm, couldn’t stop thinking of sandwiches and ate a lot of them!
vision	blurred.  I could feel the chemo sinking in, murkying my vision, making my eyes seem dim for the first few days each time.
colour	colours are not as bright, not gone, I see them there, but the emotional exhaustion makes even the bright blond hair of our youngest seem less bright.
fast	everything seems to move so fast.  cars, kids, conversation, even time on slow days kept marching past.
clothes	yoga pants.  I now own a few pairs.  who knew?
jellybeans	crave them. can’t keep them in the house. thankful for the ones from Miranda for Mother’s Day. shared about half a handful with only two kids. the jellybeans are mine!!!
smoothies	so grateful for my M a g i c B u l l e t blender.  smoothies with the mixed berries from N e u f e l d s and some protein powder kept me nourished and kept me from constipation (a huge chemo problem for many people).  thank you to Mom and Shawn and the kids for the many apple juice + ice slushies you made me to keep me hydrated.
sleep	I hate to miss stuff, but sleep also takes away the pain or the scary or the muddled brain.  was so grateful that sleep wasn’t hard to find.
port	love-hate.  that thing was a huge blessing and a scary reality.  watched a lot of hot towels wrapped around a lot of brave patient arms.  saw a lot of curtains closed a really long time as loving nurses tried to coax and cajole retreating veins to work. watched a lot of chemo patients go home without their chemo because the nurse couldn’t get a vein.  was so grateful for the port when it worked.  was so tense the times it took several tries and rolling around and lifting my arms and turning my head and hanging my arms and then stopping to send a quick text for prayers and then God answering in that instant and the port working!!!!  will likely not forget the nerves of the day I went for the port insertion surgery.  will likely not forget laying in emergency and Dr. W telling me I likely wouldn’t live through the clotting.  will not forget the peace that came over me as I interrupted him, his hand on my arm, to pray for my husband and my kids, my family.  knowing my parents and sisters were standing over me.  feeling Shawn standing there, feeling God’s peace.  “Oh dear,” I said my mind not worried, my heart so sad for these dear ones standing over me watching this, witnessing this, knowing how very sad they were, knowing that my kids would be okay. complete peace.  still so grateful that God spared my life, that God brought me to the exact right doctor in that moment, that God guided and directed the emergency room that night, for the nurse that held my hand for the tests because I didn’t want to be alone.  being asked what I wanted as my end of life planning, “I don’t want to die.”  I will never forget.  I don’t want to.  I am grateful and the experience is added to my perspective.
apples	I crave them but am scared of them.  I look forward to enjoying apples again with all their crunchy yummy juiciness.  especially pink lady and honeycrisp varieties. never red delicious or golden delicious.
water	gives me indigestion
back deck	we have a walk-out backyard.  Shawn and I have spent so many hours sitting on that back deck, me wrapped in blankets, some days it is all I can do to step over that ½ inch sill to get outside, I love that time with him, side by side on the deck, like little old people, we have aged in spirit a little but we have also grown in depth of relationship.
backyard	watching the kids play hockey or basketball or make forts or jump on the trampoline, or plant in the dirt, or pull each other like draft horses on a contraption of rope and tobaggan through the grass: priceless.  and our yard is little, think of all the fun a patch of grass can be!
computer time	the kids have had too much.  can’t wait to be more present here and get the electronic babysitters ‘off duty’.
veggies	I miss raw veggies. salad has made me pukey and raw veggies make me choke.  so counter-intuitive to eat less veggies when you know that chemo has stripped your body to depleted.  knowing God is bigger and there will be a time for renewal when chemo is done.
wandering	I miss wandering the mall with a friend, or popping in and out of shops just for the social and the fun and the inspiration of seeing all the pretty things.
eating	food is a fickle friend, necessary for sustenance, takes energy to make it, takes mental energy to eat it when you just don’t feel like it or if you are queasy or if you know it will make you sick.  I feel like I have lost social graces around eating.  getting to the table, shoveling food in my mouth like an animal at the trough, hard to keep up with the busy and conversation around the table, just want to crawl back to the couch.
conversation	feeling like I have thoughts to contribute but it’s so much energy to make my mouth move, to get the thoughts out, to contribute, feel like a conversational dud.  like to listen to people, to the kids, to hear their stories, hard to focus, everything looks grey and sounds muffled and is received on a soft-squishy thinker.  I want to listen stronger, think clearer, process faster, contribute smarter.
takethemameal	this website, my friend Diane for coordinating it: a gift.  I really don’t know how we would have managed without the hundreds of meals that have been delivered by friends and acquaintances and kind strangers.  blessings to you all.  honestly, I have been so weak, so scattered, so unable, so grumpy-that-i-can’t-feed-my-family.  was hard to get accustomed to the help but I was grateful every single time.  Shawn was grateful for the help, he has worked full time through this all and getting home to dinner already thought up and served: a huge gift.  thank you so much.  deeply.
toilet paper	best random gift at the door.
veggie tray	or fruit tray.  also amazing gift delivered to the door.  what we didn’t eat for dinner became quick fixings when daddy made school lunches.
two boxes	two huge boxes of serving bowls and bakeware and serving dishes that have accumulated from all the meals that came.  it makes me smile.
meal sharing	loved the nights that mom & dad stayed for dinner, or carl & wiffy stayed for dinner, or I could send a portion of dinner home with dad knowing that mom had been with me all day and dad had just been at the pool watching Miranda for the past hour and a half and now they wouldn’t have to come up with dinner, too.  loved that your meal blessings let me also bless those around me, let me feel like less of a taker-all-the-time.
treats	Keri and Kori texting “want anything” and then it appearing.  I am spoiled.
hospital time	we are so very blessed to have an amazing, new hospital and cancer agency right here in town.
medical staff	we have been incredibly blessed with kind and caring nurses, intelligent and kind doctors, excellent imaging technicians who care beyond just getting the test done.  we have experienced such compassion and kindness and high levels of care across the board.  Abbots fo rd Re gio n a l Ho sp it al has been amazing.  we are so grateful.
blog	not sure how this will continue to progress. keeping an open mind. so grateful to the 84,000+ views we have had.  feels like hugs and care and I know it means prayers.  God has listened to us ask and He has answered. thank you for being such a huge part of this journey.  I look forward to seeing where we go from here.  look forward with not fear but curiousity.  I wish I could hug you each.  I am so grateful.
peace	God freely gives.  I plan to continually cultivate asking and receiving that peace as my first action.
reading	I miss books.  because my eyes have been blurry I haven’t read at all in these past months.  that’s okay.  but I do miss reading.  I love having the kids read to me, though.  having a six years old reading to me: priceless.  I am enjoying The V o i c e Bible translation quite a lot these past two weeks, little snippets here and there, I like the format and for cross-referencing The Bible or Jesus Ca l l ing.
hope	God’s hope is an anchor.  I plan to continually cultivate an attitude of hopeful expectation.  God is bigger.  I love that.
kids	I love my kids.  I look forward to us jumping in the car and getting out for ice cream or for a treat this summer.  I missed that the most.  being home so much, laying on the couch, weak but using my last ounce of energy for a smile or a hug to them: priceless.