Bedtime reading

Reading Harry Potter to B tonight.  Eventually all four kids joined us.  I don't love how slow it is to read out loud but I sure do love all of us cozied together in the living room, sharing space and sharing the anticipation of a great story!

Hillsong Live - Forever Reign

Finding peace in this song.  It's in my worship playlist.  Today it came on as I walked into the living room, we were working on some tidying projects.  I was stopped in my tracks, arms raised in worship, eyes closed, lost in the love of Jesus.  One of my children saw the tears streaming down my face, came and stood with me, their little arms around me, singing and worshiping with me.  It was a beautiful moment.  I am blessed.  Cancer is horribly hard.  God is good. 

Don't Fear - Keep Going

Don’t Fear—Keep Going

by Joyce Meyer - posted August 29, 2013

If God is for us, who [can be] against us? [Who can be our foe, if God is on our side?]
—Romans 8:31
We must learn how to deal with fear before it goes too far because it will never completely go away. Feeling fear is part of being alive. We may feel fear when we are doing something we have never done before, or when the obstacles seem insurmountable, or when we don’t have the natural help we feel we need. None of this means we are cowards; it means we are human. We can only be cowardly when we allow our fears to dictate our actions or decisions, instead of following our hearts and doing what we know is right for us.
We must accept the fact that fear will never go away completely, but also know we can live boldly and courageously because God has told us that He is always with us. Because of that knowledge we can choose to ignore the fear we feel. It’s okay to feel fear; it’s not okay to act on those feelings. You see, the word fear means “to take flight” or “to run away from,” and it causes us to want to flee from what God wants us to confront.
The only acceptable attitude for a Christian to have toward fear is “I will not fear.” Do not shrink back from anything in fear. You may be going forward with something you feel God has spoken to you to do. Then something happens to make it appear that it’s not working out or that people are not in favor of it. You realize that if you do what God wants you to do, you may risk losing some friends, some resources, or your reputation.
When you feel that fear, the first impulse is to shrink back, isn’t it? God knows that, and that is why He says, “Do not fear.” When He tells us not to fear, what He means is, no matter how you feel, keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing what you believe He has told you to do because that’s the only way to defeat fear and make progress.
Trust in Him: Trust the Word of God more than you trust the lies of the devil, and keep making progress!

---

From the book Trusting God Day by Day by Joyce Meyer. Copyright © 2012 by Joyce Meyer. Published by FaithWords. All rights reserved.

Click HERE for the webpage


Last night the panic and the fear was overwhelming to the point of ... I don't know the word.  I couldn't think or breathe or even cry.  Just so many feelings were pouring over me and swirling around me and pressing down on me, heaviness.  Ended up at mom and dad's, crumpled into 'trying to cry'.  Felt exactly-what-I-needed to just stand their and be held by my parents.  What else can we do but just hold each other.  It is so much.  This morning's devotional from Joyce Meyer was God's perfect timing.  The heaviness is different, maybe not less, it is something I push away all day every day, probably about 90% of my time I am pushing fear away.  Today I feel I can breathe, the weight is less.  The kids are going back to school next week, the pressure of "the last week of summer holiday" doesn't help the other many things I am working through emotionally.  It's okay.  I'm okay.

Today is a new day.  Thank you, Lord, I woke up.  I am grateful.  Going to take the kids out today for something randomly fun.  Purposing the random... I love doing that.  [smile]

Tired.

People ask me am I resting enough?  People ask if I am getting enough sleep?  Yes and no, to both questions.  I sleep a full 8hrs each night, but no I don't rest or nap in the day.  When I was so sick from chemo, recovering from all that cell-rebuilding, I had to slow down.  You can't even make yourself try when you are chemo-exhausted.  And I hated always being on the couch those days.  I was so glad when I could walk myself to where the kids were, or even just sit at the table while they ate dinner.  And now that I am not chemo-sick, I don't want to be on the couch anymore.  I want my kids to see me upright, come to me when I am standing in the kitchen, I want to walk to them and with them.  And so I don't rest.  Funny, my oncologist (last appointment) told me to rest, "you still have cancer".  I am aware.  I just feel... wrong... to waste time sleeping or napping when I could be listening or taking in the life swirling around me.  [smile]  I did nap the other day, I am so tired from our epic Florida trip and mentally exhausted with the school-starts-in-a-week and just figuring things out and transitioning and just every day stuff.  And I am tired.  I wake up tired after a full night of sleep.  I am exhausted by 3pm and ready for bed, only forcing myself to stay awake til 9 or 10pm because I don't want to miss anything or be lame.  Today I ate some children's chewable vitamins to buoy my energy levels before C0stc0, maybe it helped a little, I don't know.  I did come home and make lunches (buns, meat, cheese, cucumbers and some chips for everyone... ah, memories of my childhood) and then watched part of Epic with the kids after making a huge pot of spaghetti sauce and getting that simmering.  So I am feeling that I am accomplishing things, that's awesome. 

Just figuring out a new routine, that's all.  Can't believe our summer holiday is drawing to a close.  We have sure packed in a LOT of good living this summer... we are blessed to 'usually do' have an amazing summer!  I wish we could do it all again and again and again... but I do also know that the kids are going to love their school years and I am so looking forward to the adventures and opportunities that will bring each of my sweeties.

Mmmmm, seriously smells incredibly nummy in here today!  Off to switch laundry... oh, and a little man is standing here bored so I will go play Martian Dice with him before it's time to set the table and for daddy to come home.  I don't feel as energetic as I once did, but I am so happy to note that I am still accomplishing lots of 'normal'.  [smile]

Hope you are having a fantastic day!
Kristin

The Three Mouseketeers

 

Kori ~ Kristin ~ Keri

Sisters, we three, dancing with glee

Celebrating in that magical place, Disney.

[Yes, they are twins.  We are 18 months apart in age.  

Kori and Keri tend to dress alike a lot.  

This day I happened in on the fun!]

Blown away, again.

Cleaning up the holiday trinkets, doing laundry, sorting through mail from when we were away.

Blown away, again, to open two separate love-yous coming to us.  People remembering us in prayer, sharing their love in a tangible way, giving generously because they just want this to be better for us.

I am overcome with emotion.  Just tears and tears.  I am so grateful.  I cannot get my head around the unfailing support and the ongoing care and concern and the kindnesses and generousity that we have been shown.  You people... you are just the hand of God in our days.  Honestly, God is working through you every time you send a note, leave a comment, stop me in the mall, give your regards through a friend or love on my parents or sisters or in laws.  You guys are just amazing.  I am so incredibly touched.  I feel speechless.  I can't make the words match the enormity of what my heart feels for you.

Thank you.

Oh wow.

I am thankful for you.

Struggling.

Woke up this morning fighting some hard thoughts.  Feeling trapped, like under the rubble of a big earthquake.  In a pocket of air, safe, but for how long?  What will shift?  Will I be rescued?  Will I die here?  And feeling the knowledge of my God holding me and loving me and standing true in His care for me.  My human nature and my hope in a delicate balance... the hope winning and keeping my spirits buoyed just enough to keep my heart and my emotions from slipping into the darkness that is panic.  Started coughing.  Got up so I wouldn't disturb Shawn's sleep.  Came downstairs.  Started having sad thoughts, "My kids will be the first to lose a parent.  I will be the first person in my circle to die."  And immediately God chided, "Only I know the plans I have for you, my dear."  Yes.  Only God knows the plans He has for me.  I am so glad to have God.

I have an appointment the Wednesday when school starts.  It is weighing very heavily on me.  Please pray for peace.  Please?   The very best thing about Disney was that there was no cancer there.  It was the most miraculous thing.  I kept my emotions at a glazed-over sort of place because my heart-joy was threatening to send me into too many tears.  But even doing my injections each night in a different Disney washroom wasn't nearly the trial it is at home.  I was healthy, I was strong, I was not thinking about cancer for the most part of two full weeks.  What a blessing.

I covet your prayers.  It is a little hard right now and I need help.  Thank you.

I don't want to write sad posts, I want to share holiday happinesses!  I want to bask in the joy and the awesome and the amazing and the blessings.  And I want to live in Disney cancer-free denial a little longer.  Today I swallowed my pride.  Things have been good, I just am not ready for the glow of holidays to dim yet.  You know?  But I need help.  And so I am asking for your prayers extra as you can.  I feel scared.  I don't want to feel scared.


Oh ya.  And I don't want to be afraid of food.  I am so sick of being conflicted by every bite of food I put in my mouth.  Seriously!  I have always eaten thoughtfully.  Yes a B ig Ma c, but yes lots of vegetables and lots of fruit and lots of green and lots of water and water and water to drink.  But you get cancer then suddenly F ace B0 0k is posting ads by 'experts' that say you shouldn't even eat fruit because cancer likes sugar and blah blah blah.  And eat meat or don't?  And juice or don't?  And eat dairy or don't?  I mean, it was already a mental warfare thing to discern what my food choices were back in the good old days of ignorance and no cancer... and now to have to worry which bite of food I put in my mouth will kill me sooner?!  That is crap!  I don't accept it  And I'm sick of worrying about it.  I still want to be thoughtful and I still want to make wise food choices... it's the scare tactics and panic-wording that keeps crossing my path (or that I'm just more susceptible and sensitive to now) that is making me crazy... and scaring me... and I don't want to be scared.

Phew.  Thank you.  That was a rant that has been building for a few weeks now... I totally respect the choices people make.  I even respect that the posts I have come across have good information in them that can be added to my knowledge/understanding base.  I am just fed up with feeling guilty all the time... and I mean, jeepers, it's not like my family is drinking powdered sugar drinks with big cartoon pitchers as the spokesperson or anything?!?!?  Oi.   Okay.  I feel better.  Please don't be offended, I just had to get that out of my head.  I still think it's about balance.  And I still think that God is in control.  I am doing my best to feed our family balanced and nutritional foods, drink lots of water, eat our veggies and get rest.  No more crazy-making food articles for me, I am fully putting blinders on!

Okay.  Thank you.

FLORIDA 2013: Epcot

After a red eye flight with connector at 4am, it was lovely to spend our first day in Florida taking it easy at our resort and then meandering through Downtown Disney.  For our first park day we chose Epcot!  I had heard mixed reviews about this being "our favourite park" and "it's okay for grown-ups" so was curious to make my own first impression... and I loved it!  The big, silver iconic ball structure is as grand and gorgeous as I expected.  I loved walking in the gates and being greeted by such a beautiful landmark!  Catching glimpses of it from different parts of the park (which is a big circle, the ball is the anchor) was exciting each time! 

After doing a 'travel through time / land of the dinosaurs' ride which my littlest boys loved (and I thought was pretty neat, too), we headed over to the Test Track.  Now THIS would become the very favourite ride of the entire trip!  First, you wind through the line past a pretty sleek sports car, next past some futuristic cars and then down a hallway with some cool hands-on car designing screens and into a create-your-own-computer-model-car room where you choose the style, engine size, aerodynamics of the car you will then "test" on the ride... the really fast, hold-onto-your-hat, wow-we-are-winging-around-this-corner ride that the kids would have done again and again and again... and that we did do multiple times! 

Even though our group is pretty even with 5 boys and 4 girls, and the boys definitely loved looking at the cars (Kyle and Braden, above) the girls were equally happy with this fast ride! 

HIDDEN MICKEY!!!   Well, Keri said it didn't count but I totally counted it!  It was a Mickey where one wasn't supposed to be... even though it was a sticker that some vandal had left there.  Whatevs.  I'm taking the point!  [smile]   The heat in Florida, which I had been warned about and was worried about (I'm a B.C. girl who likes clouds and overcast and cooler weather), was not as bad as I expected.  Yes, it was crazy-hot, about 93 with 95% humidity many days... but I didn't feel so grossly "hot".  What I felt was grossly "dripping with sweat".  The minute I stepped into sunlight or out of shade, the sweat would run rivers down my neck, my chest, my back.  So disgusting.  I just kept thinking, "it's cleansing, it's cleaning out the chemo, it's good for my body to detox this way"... and at every single snack cart or restaurant stop I would grab a 1" or more stack of napkins to wipe the sweat away... and would run out within about 20 feet of the stop!  Seriously.  Gross.   Not all day every day, but a lot.  Definitely worse first thing in the morning when we went from air conditioned bus to walking into the park.  My body took a while to adjust.  But I wasn't hot.  Just sweating.  Strange.  On this first day I hadn't figured out "the bun"... as you may know if you have seen me since we returned, "the bun" is my new favourite hair-do as it blends the new-growing-in front hairs nicely with the up-doing of the long rest of my hairs.  [smile] 

Ooooh, the C0 ke shop!   This shop had C0 ca-C 0la from around the world... and some of it was pretty gross by our standards!  One was super perfumey, one was so bitter it left your mouth puckering.  Very interesting, but very fun!!!

What I loved the absolute most about Epcot, and would go again and again if I lived closer, was the pavillions!  Epcot was built as a World's Fair originally, and so the buildings and themes are of countries around the world!  Awesome!  In some 'countries' there is a ride, some a film, some just a shop.  Shawn and I were blessed to travel through Europe when we graduated university, and I had been to Japan as an exchange student after grade 11... my parents are huge travellers and my kids are very interested in learning about new cultures.  This place was a dream for us!  

In our family, the plan has been to take each kid on a trip for their 15th birthday (before they start working and we have to juggle around jobs).  With Kyle turning 15 this fall that dream is suddenly a reality smacking us in the face of all that the past year has been, and Momma not working and such.  So, we will see how the trip thing works out.  My dream for Miranda has been to take her to Japan.  I loved my time in Japan, loved the culture and tradition and modern and work ethic and the people and want to take my girl there. 

Walking into the Japan pavilion at Epcot hit my heart with a big slap of "can cross this off my bucket list" followed by the panic of "if you cross things off your bucket list then do you just be done and die?" and then the panic of "I don't want to die" followed by fighting back the incredible flood of tears that comes if I even dare to think half a millisecond on my kids doing life without me.  Gah!   And then it was the joy of the trip and the joy on Miranda's face to be "in Japan" with me.  And then Braden found the Pokemon and Ponyo stuffies (he is a huge fan of anime and things that are collections/sets).  And then we watched the "choose a pearl" which Miranda thought she would do until she found... [trumpet fan fare please]... The Kimono Shop.  And she fell in love.  And in that instant my daughter, who tends to be a not-into-things person became infused with an inner joy and contentment and assuredness that became her getting fitted for kimono.  The girl helping us was beautiful inside and out, so kind, so patient, so pleased that I had been to Japan and had fallen in love with her country.  Miranda was beaming.  If I could have bottled up that moment, that room, that feeling of pure happy and contentment in and around my daughter, I would have.  I will hold that feeling that was exuding from Miranda dear to my heart for always.  Such a special moment.  And I got to take my daughter to Japan.  I am in tears just thinking on it.  Such a special, special blessing that moment was.  So very special to this Momma's heart.  Like, a promise kept. 

 The pavilions at Epcot are all set around a huge lake. The building above is France.  There was a perfumery and library ... and the sweet fragrance coming from the perfumery was the most lovely smell I have ever ever ever ever inhaled in my entire life.  Wow.  I could have stood there for an hour.  It was intoxicating and beautiful.  The Canada pavilion had a theatre-in-the-round with a movie hosted by Martin Short (he's Canadian, eh!).  It was very fun to note that I had been to every single highlighted Canadian sight except for three.  Three!  Wow!  I've been a lot of cool places... thank you to my husband who has made that happen and who has brought me on business trips! Norway was a boat ride through Viking history and fjords, very pretty.  In the lake there was a nightly fireworks and light show that was incredible!  A huge globe came out on a barge, video highlights of various countries were shown on the continents... very cool!  And then the whole thing opened up and fireworks shot out of it.  Seriously, so well done and awesome!  My kids all agreed that Epcot was their favourite park.  Interesting, right?  They loved Test Track (ride) and they also loved the different countries.  We would definitely go back!

Back to School prep

I love school.  I love school for my kids.  I love learning and the September-June scheduling and all the crazy that goes with it.  But...

It's a grim thing to be updating the family calendar and hearing this icky voice making cancer-comes-back comments or feelings that sort of try to wash over my excitement at Report Card Day (we always celebrate with ice cream first, and then I sit with each child individually and go through their report card excruciatingly slowly and subject-by-subject... tee hee) or Christmas Concert or Year End Party or any of the other scheduled stuff I'm inputting.

Ah, those nasty voices in my head.  Satan... GET OUT!  You are not in charge here.  You may not set up camp here, nor anywhere in my vicinity.  God has got a plan and I know that I am in it.  Get behind me, Satan, YOU SHALL NOT PREVAIL!!!

I claim joy and I claim happy and I claim excitement and good-anticipation about what this new school year will be for our family!  God is here.  I love that!

Family Vacation: Orlando, Florida

After a whirlwind of planning, miraculous finding of flights and hotels for 17, lickety-split packing, and some red eye flying we made it to DISNEYWORLD!!!! What an amazing fourteen days we enjoyed in a fabulous resort, at beautiful parks, and on magical adventures! My mind cannot quite comprehend all that we did in those non-stop days, I am so thankful for the 3,500+ photos I have to prove it all! Thank you to those of you who prayed for travel safety and good health, we enjoyed both. This was our first full-family holiday and I have to say...it was such an incredible blessing and joy!

We experienced Epcot, Animal Kingdom, Magic Kingdom, Hollywood Studios, Downtown Disney, Disney Quest, Blizzard Beach, Typhoon Lagoon, Universal Studios Orlando with Wizarding World of Harry Potter, a Character Breakfast with Pooh Bear and Tigger and Alice and Mad Hatter and Mary Poppins, boat rides and torrential downpours and blazing hot sun and an amazing Lion King show (like Cirque de Soleil), live shows of Beauty and the Beast and Nemo, water rides and roller coasters and safaris with lions and cheetah and elephants and rhinos right at the jeep, and incredible food, and little tropical birds that tried to steal your fries, and huge ice cream sundaes and frozen lemondades and lobster roll sandwiches and chicken and ribs and Mickey Mouse frozen ice cream sandwiches and Haunted Mansions and Splash Mountain and fast pass acquisitions by Roger and Dave and and and and and... Seriously, incredible.

What a trip to remember!!!!!

We brought a wheelchair for me in case the walking was too much, but I am so proud to say that I power-walked almost the whole thing, using the wheelchair only to sit just once or twice! I let Shawn push me for about five minutes one night, that's it. And any of you who have ever walked with Mom or Keri or Kori knows that those ladies walk at a jogger pace! Praising God for the good health, the strength and the stamina!

We've been home for three days now (arrived at 5am Monday) and I could be happy to go again tomorrow!! [smile]

Such an amazing trip. Really, just incredible! We are so blessed.

Guess where we were????

Enjoying every minute!!!

What a good summer this is!  Can't believe how blessed we are with time and energy and sights and smiles!

Hope your summer is going just as wonderfully!

Kristin

I got a blister on my toe!

Yes, it's true, I have a blister on my toe. 

Why, you may ask, am I telling you this?

I am telling you this happy news because a blister on my toe means I am walking and seeing and doing all sorts of fun things with my family.  Blisters on toes are what happen when you are up and off the couch and living life pretty full.  

And I knew you would want to celebrate this with me!  [smile]

Floating with a smile on my face.

Floating is one of my very favouritest things to do.  Just be.  Just breathe.  Just drift.
Don't think.  Don't fret.  Just trust.  It will be okay.  Relax into it.  Feel the cares melt away.

I've been working on a very long list the last few days and have been powering through it in record time.  One of my projects was to complete a digital scrapbook (I use shu tter fly dot com) of our recent camping trip... wow what a lot of awesome photos of amazing days I have!  My family is a bunch of crazy photographers... not a moment passes without a photo snapped. 
I'm not joking.

As I looked through the photos of that one camping week, I am struck again and again by how amazing my life is.  I am so very blessed with an incredible husband and four beyond-amazing blessings in our children.  I have two parents who are married 40 years and who love me dearly and love their family dearly.  I have two sisters, they have two stellar husbands and five amazing kids between them, that love me and love my kids and are always willing to step up and help.  Shawn and I have a fun RV travel trailer that affords us summer holidaying away from home.  My husband has a job that he loves and that gives him holiday time away.  The memories made around building campfires and roasting wienies and burnt marshmallows and whittling sticks are absolutely precious.

Wow.  I am speechless at the list of blessings in this life.  God is so so so good.

I hope you can take a moment and look through your photos today... whether they are recent photos or your baby album or albums from your own children's first few years... go and open up those memories, relive the moments good and hard, see how very blessed you have been, see that God was there even in the harder circumstance and He was definitely there in the birthday parties and Christmases and sillinesses.  Whether you have a personal relationship with God or not, He has been there through your days... let the smile that breaks across your face and the warmth in your heart become an awareness of a loving God who cares for you.

In my photo albums I have the usual photos... the happy smiles and great gifts and fun cakes.  I also have the photos of screaming babies, typewriter ink on my new white cabinets courtesy of a two years old boy, maple syrup tracked all through new carpets courtesy of that same curious toddler.  Hard days and good days, I know that God got us through them all.  The photos of friends and family and loved ones are reminders of the helpers that have been here along the way: angels in our days, help from God when we asked for it and even when we couldn't think clearly to ask.

I am feeling the fullness of joy of the blessings I have received.

I like that smile that I feel on my face.

Encouraging words

This encouragement was just too beautiful to not share!

In the fall, before my surgery, we had a family photo session.  Today I was looking through the pictures and re-reading the kind words left in the comments section. This comment was left on that photographer's blog:

The Lord guided you into consciousness giving you that pain in your shoulder. It is with the start of that pain that he lead you to the issue at hand. It could have gone undetected but he wanted you to start your journey now. The secret is to never give up. To never give in to the enemy feeding you doubts and discouraging thoughts. Be lifted up by the positive thoughts, wishes and prayers that the people around you send your way and up to heaven. You are not alone in this fight. Every person who sees these pictures or reads your story has you in their thoughts and prayers. Positivity is the key! The journey may not be the most pleasant but the victory won after a hard fought fight is glorious! I expect nothing less than a total healing and in turn the people around you and those that don't know you but know of your story, will all learn something from this battle. Don't ever think that you are alone in this... you have a team of people behind you sending you the positive when you least expect it. No negative. Just remember, he has great plans for you. He promises us all that. I cant wait to see where this journey takes you. My heart is expecting miracles. Stay positive and keep him close! You have an army fighting with you. Please remember that. ~ E.S.

[click here to go to the photoshoot]

Shawn & Kristin, July 27, 2013

Shawn and I snuck out for a drive and a Sbucks last night!  I love this photo of us, we are so cute!

Can you believe it?  Coming up on 19 years of marriage!  Amazing to think on!

With summer sunlight staying up so late, and having older kids in the house it gets almost impossible to find alone time or space for private conversation.  Since I'm all for the kids cleaning up the messes, I've started dragging Shawn (he's super diligent and would rather clean the messes up first... um, hello... we have kids for that!) out after dinner while the kids clean up and so we can come home to a tidied kitchen and jammied kids.  We don't do it often enough, but when we have, it has been good for all six of us to have the space and the time to get things done!   I feel like I'm always sharing my husband with the kids... he is an incredibly amazing and devoted daddy... so sometimes a momma just has to take her man back and hog him all to herself!  [smile]

We drove out to a local water skiing lake to check out the beaches... sand, real sand!  That's a true treat for us folks on the westcoast of Canada.  Our beaches are gorgeous, our views are incredible, but our rocks can be sharp and sand is hard to come by... this particular beach is man-made.  We will definitely come back with the kids!

Morning thoughts.

Is it better to hold them close, be in their space, parent them all through the days?  Or, is it better to step back and watch and see that they can be fine without me?

Is it better to pursue relationships and be active in a friend's life?  Or, is it better to relax the relationship and let that person bond with others?

How to balance the 'here and now' with the 'doctors are just waiting for cancer to overtake me' with the desire and need for relationship?

Wanting to pour into my children's lives as I always have, but afraid that it would be harder for them if I was gone.

Being so sick during chemo did, somewhat, remove me from my children's lives.  But, there was hope that I was getting better each time.  There was the climb back up out of chemo darkness and they knew they could still come to me, although definitely with more care and quiet.

Wanting to rush and do and be and partake.  Afraid to let me own hopes soar... no, more afraid of the words that will dash those soaring hopes.  God keeps me soaring, Satan keeps trying to crash me, man/humans/doctors are just the messenger.

Yesterday it was as if cancer hadn't come. Almost.  Probably the closest to that I've had.  Even in the moments where my breathing was a little difficult or I had a cough and panic tried to set in, I still felt so normal, unencumbered, just almost free.  But even in those moments of feeling 'free-er than usual' I knew it was just that... not the true freedom I used to feel, live, enjoy, be.   And I felt lost.  I'm still struggling to figure out who this new Kristin is.  I am so changed.

I have joy.  And it is followed by tears.  I have anxious moments, which are quickly turned to praise for God's faithfulness and thankfulness for Him getting me this far.

I don't know how to talk to people, close people, anymore.  I feel so very careful about what I say, to protect myself from wandering thoughts.  To protect them from the hard and scary and crappy bits.  Living in the moment is good for me emotionally and panic-wise, but it feels a little hollow, too.  Part of the fun is in the looking-forward-to-it, and I'm afraid to look forward because that inevitably brings so many other unwanted thoughts with it.

So, back to focusing right here and now.  And a smile comes quickly to my face.  Right here, right now, I am enjoying summer holiday with the kids.  Right here, right now, I am enjoying the quiet of the house and the click of keyboard keys as B and I both spend some computer time.  I love watching him, the way he holds his hands, the way his lips sort of purse when he is in concentration.  I love hearing his little quiet whistles, and his whispers (a new skill!) make me smile because of all the "SHH!" I have done over the years to help remind him to "lower your volume".

I am smiling to think on how Shawn is still sleeping and how he looks in our bed.  I love how warm and squooshy C will be when he emerges and sleepy-eyes-lumbers down the stairs to find me for his good morning snuggles.  I know that M is going to be hard to wake today, just like every other day (mornings aren't her thing) and I know that her hair is going to be wild and wonderful and big-messy when she gets up.  And K, a tangle of teenager and blankets asleep all tumbled in his bed.   Ah, bliss.

Going to get some cuddles in, I hear kids stirring and clomping down the stairs.  [smile]

Root canal

Finally getting that annoying tooth dealt with.  Grateful for the cancellation spot that came available for me.  Please pray for zero complications and speedy recovery.  I am nervous about side effects and things going sideways though I have had successful root canals in the past.  Happy to just get this tooth fixed!

My appointment is 8:30am Saturday. 

[smile]

Reading back on some blog posts from November, after surgery and leading into radiation.  Reflecting on the ups and downs of even just today... the energy, the emotions, the normal mommy-tolerance stuff.  This is cancer and I'm doing it!

[smile]

I'm sitting here in tears and crying torrents... but happy torrents.  I am just so heart-happy in this moment.  How can a silly Maroon 5 song make me feel so ... in love with the lovingness of God?  Crazy, right?  I love how little seemingly inconsequential things can just stop me in my tracks and bowl me over with how loved I am, how much I love my God, how much I love the people around me, these kids, my husband, my parents and siblings and the whole gaggle of family that I am blessed with.

Bowled. over. with. love. in. my. heart.

[speechless] [grateful] [wow-ed]


CLICK HERE for Maroon 5: Love Somebody [video, a little risque so just turn the speakers up and the screen off!]

A family that plays together, stays together... or not!

 So, you may not know this about me... but I'm a total Nerd-wanna-be!  I love books, I love Big Bang Theory, I love sciencey stuff, I love inventions, I love math (though it's is really not my strong suit at all... in fact, I totally suck at it!), and I love games!  I don't have a super long attention span for games, but I love'em.  Hmm... maybe I'm already a Nerd.  That's awesome!!!

 Now that our oldest child is 14, and especially since all four kids seem to like games as much as Mommy does, we are playing more and more together.  It is awesome to be past the Clue Jr and Monopoly Jr and Scrabble Jr phase and be moving on to bigger, more detailed games.  In fact, as part of our basement reclamation project (aka 'dunging out the toy room') we are setting up a games shelf (this is what Gamer-Nerds do, so as not to crush the boxes under each other... how awesome is that!) and games table.  Some of these little treasures take a couple of hours to play so we need to not be setting up on the kitchen table where dinners are served! 

Ah, how happy it made me to open this new game and see all the little tokens waiting to be set free from their packaging... ooh, and set into their divided tray.  Ahhhhhh, bliss!  Now, to figure it out... the kids are chomping at the bit waiting for me... well, they are actually playing another new game, 'Martian Dice' (super fun, dice game, highly recommend) while they wait... but I can feel their buzz of excitement and their impatience in the air about me.

What games does your family play?

July 2013

What a lovely and good July we are having.  Lots of days lounging at the lake.  We got to go camping with the kids and even extended family.  The Canada Day Parade was a blast.  I've had lots of opportunity to visit with friends.  Mom and Keri and Kori and I just returned from a whirlwind trip to Calgary to meet our newest baby cousins and visit with family there.  So many good things.  So. many. good. things.
And I am weepy.  I have gotten pretty good at not thinking beyond this moment I am in.  Anything more tumbles my thoughts quickly into a tangle of worries and fears and sorrows that trip me up and weigh me down.  Planning for the fall is a dangerous, too-close-to-the-edge slippery slope.  Need to register for extra-curriculars, should have done that already, can't quite do it, fear.  Not actually fear but apprehension maybe?  It is always there, just below the surface.  I am smiling, and enjoying, and savouring, and living, and rejoicing, and loving, and doing.  I feel good.  I have some coughs.  Every cough is a worry. 
Tears fall silently.  They escape in moments of love, when my heart flows over with the immense feelings I have towards my children, my husband. My parents.  My sisters. My longtime friends. My dear ones.  Today I am cranky.  This week I have been cranky.  Everything is too much.  The pressure to 'enjoy the moment' and the reality of 'you still have cancer'.  I wonder if I will ever get the hang of this balance.
Had an amazing visit with a longtime-on-my-heart friend today.  Got stuff done that needed to be done.  Finding it really hard to be home.  I need to be here and to rest.  Hard to do with kids on summer holidays, harder to do when the couch and the recliner and the tissue box and the everything remind me of chemo days.  Harsh flashbacks hit me out of left field and if I don't see them coming, don't brace myself against their force, I am knocked off my feet physically and emotionally.
So... not thinking.  Just smiling and being and stopping-what-I'm-doing to really focus on the kids when they speak to me.  And not thinking.  Thinking is dangerous and hard on the emotions.
Finding it hard to even chat with people.  We tend to talk about tomorrow, don't we?  About what's coming up next.  I can't do that.  I can't ... risk the emotion and the worries.  I just keep laying all that mess at the feet of Jesus.  He comforts me.  He holds me.  He just smiles at my worries and sends me peace.  Most moment, most days, most of the time it is really God's peace that I feel.  Even in the moments that tears roll down my face, I have peace. 
I want to blog for you, share with you, keep you updated.  I feel ... grateful for your faithful care and prayers these last many months.  I feel responsible to keep up my side of the relationship.  I don't want to be a bummer.  I'm doing pretty good I think. Just floating at the surface of the days.  And I think that's okay for this season.
Are you doing anything fun this summer?  Spending time with your kids?  Spitting watermelon seeds?  Slushie runs?  Water fights?  I hope so.  Have fun, be silly, live in the moment.  Don't worry about savouring it or memorizing it or figuring it out or judging it.  Just be.
[smile]

Because God Sees / Building Cathedrals

Isn't this a beautiful perspective (article below)...  it is about motherhood, but I think it can also apply to so many relationships we have, even to our own life. Every connection we make with another person is an opportunity to build them up and speak encouragement into their lives.  Kristin

_________________________

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’
Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?? 
Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’
Some days I’m a crystal ball; ‘Where’s my other sock? Where’s my phone?, What’s for dinner?’
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, and she’s gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’
In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. 
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’ 
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was Almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. 
When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he’d say, ‘You’re gonna love it there…’ 
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.
—Anonymous
[Source: http://whatcomfamilies.com/2013/05/11/the-invisible-mother/]

at the ocean

Enjoying this beautiful view and feeling blessed. 

Over "to do"-ed!

Feeling over-"to do"-ed.  So many people I want to visit with.  So many piles of stuff we are sorting through and dunging out.  So many events to share in.  So many rooms to take back after those long, dark chemo months of not-much-got-done-beyond-the-basics.  And then summer schedule and daddy on holiday and kids to camps and play dates and spending time with our own six and feeling pressured as I balance "make moments count" with the reality of "sometimes mommy needs some alone time" and the guilt-worry-laying-fears-down and doctor words and and and.  

These are good days.  I am not complaining at all.  I am just trying to figure out this new current reality.  And apparently I'm not as good at change as maybe I once was!  [eye roll] [chuckle]

And part of this, I know, is the usual summer-is-here / school's-out shuffle!!

LOL

[smile]

Go... Enjoy your day!  Do something that makes you heart happy!

Hooray!

Port flush today... Done in record time! Like, under seven minutes from waiting room to elevator ride back to the van!  The nurse was so kind, so sad to hear my story but so encouraged with how well I look and seem.  Yay!  And, she got blood on the first draw!!!  Thank you, Lord!! For the many, many, many blessings.  For the people holding us in their prayers.  May people see You in my story. [smile]

Waking up with a smile.

I woke up with a smile in my heart.  God's peace.  Even in my sleepiness I was feeling a smile.  God is good.  I am grateful for this day.  I am excited for what God is doing in my family and with us.  I look forward to getting things done today and spending time with my peeps chillaxin' a little.  It is a good day.  A good, good day.   Be open to God's good for your day, too, k?!

Feeling lost.

Had a follow-up cystoscopy (bladder scope) today.  Should have been routine, doctor found one small and one very small polyp.  "If it's cancer it would be really low grade" was his response.  He explained that this wasn't as surprise to him, given my type of cancer (urinary cancer).  The choice was to have a ten minutes surgery on a later date, or for him to laser the polyps today.  I trust his judgement and he decided to do the procedure right then.  It was gross and icky and uncomfortable and pretty intense.  Apparently I did really well.   When Shawn and I got back to the van I told him what happened and the tears flowed.  I couldn't stop crying.  I wasn't expecting news or bad news when I went today.  I had to wait 1 1/2 hours for my turn because a little 91yrs old man was super late for his appointment before me.  Tension.  God sent me an angel: the man waiting with me for his appointment shared stories of his new grandbaby, his trip to South America, he gave me a smile and told me it'd be alright.  God brought him to my morning, I needed the distraction.  When my angel-friend wasn't with me I kept having flashbacks to the last time I was in that part of the hospital just two days after hearing I had cancer.  It was dark and scary and I was in shock and the nurses and volunteer lady were amazing.  So, this morning was just a lot.  The good news today was that when I asked "how many times can you remove those polyps if they come back?" my doctor said "I have a patient who I've been following for twenty years... we just keep removing them".  So that was good.  My doctor was very positive.  Me, I am feeling very ... into myself.  I don't know what to think.  I don't know how to feel.  I just keep saying "thank you God" because I know it is He who is holding me upright and keeping me from crumpling.  This afternoon my hubby and kids and I worked on the chaotic mess that is our basement family room.  We did get lots accomplished and that felt good.  Please keep praying for Shawn and I and the kids and my parents and my sisters and our extended family and our friends?  Thank you.

I am having trouble hitting the 'post' button on this.  I don't know why.  I have been very honest with you, very open.  I am feeling very raw I think, emotionally confused and unsure and lost.  Living in each moment, focusing on the here and now.  Loving my husband and kids, thanking God for the day as it comes, rejoicing in the good and the miraculous.  It is curious to me that the doctor was very surprised that I am not on any meds except the thrombosis medication.  All along this journey the nurses have commented "really? you're not on anything" and I am chalking those up to miracles.  God is taking care of me, us, this.  I am grateful.  This morning was hard. The rest of the day was... moving forward.

Where it's at.

Spent the day at the lake with my sisters and their families and the sand and the sun.  Was a lovely and relaxed day.  Yesterday we arrived home from a week of camping, that was a good week, too.  I don't think I'm in denial, but I just don't know what to say so it is easier to just not say much of anything.  Definitely drawing into myself right now.  Keep reaching out to me, okay?  And definitely keep praying.  God is taking care of us and I still believe He has miracles and miracles and miracles for us... the best one is that His peace is very present in our lives.

Cute moment this morning with C (6yrs) at the grocery store today:  We were walking through the store and I was about four paces ahead of him.  He is a chatter-er and was keeping up a dialogue that I wasn't following.  He said, "I'm not alone, Mommy", "did you know there is someone with me?"  I turned and said, "Pardon?"  His reply, pointing to the air beside him, "See that there is someone beside me?  Did you know that someone is beside me?....  do you know who is beside me?  Do you know that someone is always beside me?"  Me, "Oh, ya?"  Him, "Yes, see, it's Jesus, Jesus is always beside me, that's what they told me (in Sunday School)!"  Me, "You're right, C, isn't that awesome?  That Jesus is always with us?  He is always right beside us."   God blessing me through my baby-boy-six-years-old.  [humbled]

And He is.  Thank you, Lord, thank you so much for being right with me, us, always.

I have peace.  I have tears if I think even a day ahead.  I really am just living in the moments.  God is with me.  [smile]

Look!!! New hair is growing!!!

CT Results

We had our post-chemo, post-CT scan follow-up appointment yesterday.

The doctor, new to me, said quickly, "It's good news!" then, "the cancer responded favourably".  So that was good and brought tears of relief.   She also said, "your kind of cancer is not curable" and "you are feeling strong right now, you should do things that you want to do now" and "I will continue to closely monitor you and frequently".   "The next time you have chemo it will be harder" and even though you can't just keep doing chemo forever "there are trials in Vancouver that you can be a part of".  So, she seemed positive and that was good.  She seemed to feel that we had options and that was good.

It was good news...but.   She was very clear that the cancer is shrunk but that I still have cancer.  The message was very much live in the now.

I am... overwhelmed and feeling so many things.  This feels more a death sentence than the initial diagnosis did.  Yesterday I was fighting to feel hope.  Today I feel God smiling and holding us.  I know He was yesterday, I was just overwhelmed again.  I am scared of chemo ever again because it was so hard.  I am trusting.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge God and He will direct your path. ~ Bible

The chemo worked, the cancer is shrunk and there are no new shadows and my guts are clear.  Praise God.  The cancer is shrunk, please pray that it stays shrunk for years and years and years.  I want to see my kids graduate, I want to be here when my daughter is pregnant with her first child,  I want to be the mother at each of their weddings, I want to watch as they continue to grow and make friends and be friends and start dating and all of those things.  I am ... in disbelief... and I am trusting in God's plan for us all.  And I am breaking out into random tears and I am smiling and I am laughing and I am holding the warm-fuzzy moments in my heart and I hope that the dear ones around me are committing their special or warm-fuzzy or love-filled interactions with me to heart, too.

Please, pray for us.  Father God, we want and need your peace. 

I'm fine.

Trying to make plans, trying to look ahead a little and am looking forward to summer fun.  And then I realize I forgot to do my shot.  And then thoughts of cancer creep in.  And then I want to cancel the plans and the fun and just go throw myself on my bed and let panic overtake me.  Just let it roll over me and carry me away because its a lot of work to live a non-panicked life some days.  You have to keep laying it down, keep trusting in God's peace and that he has a plan and I am in it. But I know I wouldn't like to feel that panicky way for real, so I bury my head in a book or go searching for junk food or find a kid to chat with. The panic is swelling and making my chest hurt right now.  It is what it is.  I am apprehensive about my CT results on Wednesday.  I just want my life back the way it was.  My innocence.  My not-afraid.  My ignorance.  Now I feel tired. 

Project: complete!

The bookshelves were overflowing and stories were scattered around the house, some tucked under pillows even!  The solution, my dream, a consolidated home library!  New shelves were purchased and constructed and then kids and I brought all the books together and got them shelved.  I am so happy!

Tired

I did not sleep well last night.  The weather was perfectly cooled so I should have slept well.  Shawn took the winter duvet off the bed... I need the weight of it.  Also, last night we were making plans for next week which included a brief discussion on childcare during my oncology appointment.  So as soon as I woke up to pee at 5am my thoughts turned to the CT and fear came and got a grip on my heart and mind.  I prayed, God gave me a miracle... the ringing in my ears (chemo side effect) started up and I asked God to please stop it and He did, in that instant.  So it was cool to lay there and sing praises in my exhaustion because that was a direct and immediate answer to prayer.  And then my thoughts turned to "He's got this, Kristin" and while I was still clinging to that fear for some reason,  I felt more calm and eventually was able to eventually fall back to sleep.  This morning I am exhausted.  Busy week since the kids got out of school, yesterday was an excellent and accomplished-stuff day, tomorrow is my brother-in-law's wedding.  My emotions are spent and my energy is a little low.  My tooth has an absess (remember that tooth that was troublesome on and off during chemo?) so I'm on a prescription that is new to me and will cause diarrhea and gut ache so I'm tense about that.

Not complaining, just documenting. 

I know that today will be a good day ... I just need to finish waking up.  Today is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.   I have enjoyed so much quality time with each of the kids, and with the four of them as a whole, this week... I love that I see it and recognize it and noticed it and savoured it.  But wow, I'm tired... recovery is still slow in some areas.  Oh, and last night we went for a huuuge walk after dinner so my body is feeling it for sure.  LOL

Have a great day... it's Friday!!!!

Quote I like.

Time Contraints

I feel pressured to 'get things done' around the house.  I was supposed to be graduating this (just past) spring.  I was supposed to take that time between my last course and walking the stage to get the house in order after transitioning our last kid into school and transitioning myself from university student to mom to working mom.   And then we got cancer.

Now that chemo is done I feel this huge pressure from myself to get the house in order... in case I get sick again... in case the CT isn't clear and I have to do chemo again... get to do chemo again... I am forever grateful that I was able to have chemo, some people cannot.  And then there is the balancing of 'time with the kids' and 'time with Shawn' and 'time with family' and 'time with friends'... these are the important things that I easily and readily say "Yes, I can!" whenever the invitation and/or opportunity arises... but then I come home to this chaos-house. 

And so, I need to shift my thought process from "get things done" to "wow, look at all we did in this day!" so that I am celebrating the moments and not bumming out about what's still to be done.  Besides, I'd rather not look at this beautiful house and all the blessings (stuff... accumulation... yes, one-time-hoarding) as a downer, but rather work through the tasks with a cheerful heart!

Ah, I feel better.  Thanks for listening.

Getting this house in order!

What a lot of chaos and accumulation this house has seen!  Over this last week, between social visits and end-of-school-year activities for the kids, I have been making sloooow progress on reclaiming parts of the house after my long absence.  It feels great to see the floor in the boys' bedroom after tripping over a carpet of Leg.o all school year!  Next to get myself back on routine for laundry!  I am spending most of my time really focusing on the kids' faces, getting up and going to them because I am able, listening to their stories and silliness (they've been saving up while I was sick), and relearning how to make meals and buy groceries!

There are so many things from "before cancer" that I just have no recollection of, and basic housekeeping is one if them.  I am looking on this lack as an opportunity to define "life" as I choose and am figuring out new recipes and routines along the way!  [smile]

Yesterday was an Ik.ea day and it felt great to come home with new shelves for our home library! This project has been in my mind for months as I sat staring at overflowing shelves and piles of books on the living room floor.  Thanks Daddy and Kyle for getting three of five shelves built last night, Connor and I look forward to our librarian work today!  Off to the farmers' market this morning, then to work on a project for the Canada Day parade and maybe even time at the lake!  It is so good to be alive and I love feeling well!!!!

First day of summer vacay...

Enjoying our first day of summer vacation today!  We are planning on being super lazy, watching some tv, reading some books, maybe playing a board game or two.  The kids and I love summer vacation and we all look forward to these days together.  Some days will be lazy, some days will be an adventure, some will have house organizing and clean-up, some will be a combination of these things.  Today we must make our Summer Manifesto so that we don't forget to do the things we were "waiting til summer vacation" to do... that happened to us last year!  Doh! 

My follow-up oncology appointment (to get the CT results) keeps getting moved around as my oncologist had a personal emergency and I am being shuffled and rescheduled as the new oncologist arrives.  I'm not in a huge rush for that appointment.  I mean, not knowing is easier for me.  Ignorance does have an element of bliss.  [smile]  I just want to enjoy this summer with the kids.  And the next one.  And the next one.  For the rest of my life... which I hope is super long.

Some days I feel like I spend about 50% of my time and energy on fighting off fear, big and small.  It is amazing to me how quickly my thoughts turn dark, my hopes disappear, a tender moment or memory reduces me to tears.  I spend a lot of time in full on crying.  Even typing this, the tears are threatening and I am fighting them back.  Raw.  My emotions must be pretty raw.  And full.  My heart is so full.  I am constantly reminded... God brings me the joy-memory always in such perfect timing... of all the great moments and times and experiences and relationships and and and that I have had in my 41 years.  Incredibly blessed.  I am so incredibly blessed.  It's hard not to get stopped by the memories and to look up, look forward to the good yet to come.  And then I smile and the tears stop and the kids are yelling and ki-yi-ing and fooling around and cause my eyes to roll in happy-mom-dom and then life starts moving forward out of the panic moment again.  God is good.

So, that's what's up right now.  I was able to attend the year end assembly at the littles' school yesterday.  I can't fathom that I lost an entire school year, my brain was confused walking through the halls... how can it be year end already?  We didn't barely start yet.  Strange.  I'm usually so actively involved in my kids' school and homework and daily life and I have strong moments of mourning what I missed this year.  And even so, what quickly springs to mind is all the together-time we spent in this living room, on this couch, watching this tv... together, in the same room, sitting, being, spending time, my love language.  And so I feel actually celebratory about these chemo months.  Celebratory, happy, thrilled even.  How weird is that?!?!   That has got to be God. 

Focusing on this moment.  Praising God for this day, for this time, for this moment.  THIS one.  Right here.  With kids screeching and teasing and wrestling and being loud... usually we are a quiet house, they have their own emotions and chemo-months energies to get out. 

Summer Vacation, we love it!

So many reasons to celebrate!

Spent the later half of Saturday celebrating Meg and looking forward to the upcoming wedding.  It was lovely to spend time with Meg's close friends and to have some girl time and talk about the wedding!

Sunday morning saw us in church watching our oldest son give his testimony (the story of his life and his relationship with God).  I love our church family and love how 'at home' my family feels there!  I highly recommend finding a church home that makes you feel so glad it's Sunday!

Sunday afternoon we gathered with our church family, our physical family and dear friends to witness Kyle being baptized (a symbolic act of being dunked under water and coming out as a 'new person', symbolizing how our relationship with Jesus Christ takes our sins away and prepares our heart for eternal life with God)... such a big moment in a person's life and Shawn and I are so thrilled that Kyle made the choice to publicly declare his relationship with God.

So many reasons to celebrate and I was so glad to be able to attend each one of them!  Yes, tears.  Yes, moments of overwhelmed.  Yes, I don't feel quick enough in my thinking to keep a conversation going.  But a big YES!!!!  that I am healthy and able to attend.

Smile in your day.  Do it!!!

Today

Feeling overwhelmed with things.  Not everything but many things.  Not so good at making choices.  Just wrote a long rambling post but it was too confused and bummer-ish to post.  Trying to fit back into my life but with balancing the reality that I'm not fully recovered yet.  The kids see me off the couch and as back-to-normal, I am not but am pushing to be so for them.  I am so sad of being the source of their somber expressions or tiptoeing around and the sadness in their eyes.  I cry at the drop of a hat, seriously anything happy or sad or good or bad or even nothing at all just gets me crying.  Crying just typing that.  The quote above really spoke to me today.  Trying to figure out what to do with what I have left... what time, what energy, what years, what relationships, what redefined hopes, what can-I-still-have-them dreams for our lives.  Jesus Calling the other day reminded me that there may be a huge mountain looming ahead of me, but I can't see the path that God has created to get me around that mountain.  I need to just focus on the step in front of me and know that God has a plan and I am still in it.  And I want to smile.  And I want to not feel pressured to make 'every' moment count, that is too much pressure.  Trying to figure out balance and wanting to look forward with hope.  Need to be patient with myself, it was an eight month hill that we just climbed, and we need to physically and mentally and emotionally take the time needed to catch our breath!

Follow-up mammogram and ultrasound

The nurse called today to tell me what the ultrasound tech already told me two days ago at the appointment: no changes noted in the scans compared to my previous appointment 6 months ago.  This is good news.  The breast doctor asked me to make a follow-up appointment for six months from now, but through my own doctor.  I think this is good news... it's good news when you go back to your family doc from the Cancer Agency. So, more follow-up, another scan, another appointment, trying to be mellow but feeling grumpy and 'is this the rest of my life...interruptions and appointments and phone calls at water parks about exam results and health?' mixed with 'I should be grateful they can follow-up, yay technology'.  [sigh]

I am very tired these days.  Been going going going every day and feeling worn down.  It's not as simple as saying no to things, the things I am doing are important to me and have value.  But I am really feeling worn down and tired.  The kids have three more days of their school year, then we have a family wedding, and then we shall rest a little.  I'm resuming making dinners, which means shopping for some groceries...haven't even started attempting to do laundry again yet!

I live in British Columbia but do have family in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.  There is some huge flooding going on in Calgary and area right now, please hold the people affected in your prayers.
Thanks.

Not Twins

My sisters are twins. 

Generally, I introduce myself as the "not the twin", especially because we three girls are only 19 months apart in age.  Today Kori showed up at my door in the same top as me.  I guess if you spend a lot of time with twins, you become 'the new twin'!  LOL

Nervous Energy

Just sitting here, waiting for Mom to arrive to take me to my hospital appointments.  Feeling nervous energy building.  I'll do better once we are there.  It's the drive that gets me these days.

Have wanted to post some thoughts, some responses, some ramblings, but haven't been able to.  I think I'm partly scared of getting too deep into my own head.  Not sure what crazy thoughts or huge fears are lurking there.  Actually, that's not true.  I know exactly what's lurking there and I just don't feel brave enough to deal with it.  Actually, that's not true, either.  I know I am brave enough because I am brave in Christ, I am strong because I have God's strength through me, helping me.  I just don't wanna.  I don't wanna deal with scary stuff or sad stuff or hard stuff any more.  Not for now.  Not for ever.  Not for a long, long, long while.  I just want everything to be great and everyone I know to be great and everything to just be the fairytale I was living and knowingly enjoying before.  Before 'this'.

So many people who read this blog have told me how my openness has blessed them, how it has helped them to help a friend who wasn't as open at sharing their cancer journey or struggles.  Reading my blog has helped some of you relate differently/better/ more or help differently/better / more (your words) to other people in your life.  I love that.  You telling me that has blessed me, helped me to feel purpose in my crappy days and hard moments, knowing that you might glean something from my blog that would enable you to better love on someone else has brought me joy in hard, hard times.  Thank you for telling me.  It has also kept me motivated, made me feel responsible/have a job to do (which gives me purpose outside of being a patient), accountable, to keep up the blogging in detail.  Keeping it honest and being open is just me... I'm a 'heart on sleeve' kind of girl and for some of you that's probably sometimes too much, so thanks for slogging through and keeping reading this blog anyway!  [huge smile]


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Back from my mammogram and ultrasound follow-up.  Did the port flush.  The ultrasound tech shared that 'everything looks the same [as it did 6 months ago]', which is a good thing.  The nurse will phone me maybe even tomorrow with results.  The port flush had me nervous but the nurse was able to get me hooked up (accessed) and draw blood (yay) right away!  Thank you Lord!!!!

Now I am home and tired, going to the hospital is mentally draining.  I couldn't even eat breakfast this morning, I was just feeling out of sorts about it all.  Glad it's done.  Yay!