- Peace for Shawn and I, for Kyle and Miranda and Braden and Connor, for our parents and siblings and nieces and nephews and inner circle friends watching and hurting as we go through this
- that God would keep soft our children's hearts toward Him through all the emotions of this hard journey
- strength and stamina; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually
- that the cancer shrinks to gone, gone, gone!
- gentle side effects to this second round of chemo
- family unity, harmony, love, strength, joy, happiness
- anything else you feel God puts on your heart

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Clinic Day

Cycle 3 starts tomorrow.  Chemo + Trial Drug.
Today is clinic (doctor and nurse) plus blood work.
Feeling blah about going to yet another medical appointment.
It's all I do.
This is full-time work with no paycheck, no schedule, no breaks, no camaraderie of peers.
Struggling to have joy. 
Our Christmas Tree is beautiful and makes me smile but I just feel sort of empty.
I have trained myself so strongly to live in the moment, anything else is too risky to think on and worry gets me nowhere, that I don't know how to look forward to things anymore.
It's all just appointments on the calendar.
That's not how I have purposed to live my life.
Not having success in figuring out this.
I don't think I'm depressed.
I'm just blah.
I'm tired of meds and hospital visits and blood work and needles and giving my history and answering the million questions to every doctor and nurse I see.  I will have been to a hospital 7 times/days in 11 days by the time tomorrow finishes up.  Would have been 8 times in 12 days but I postponed my Friday appointment.
I want to talk about Christmas presents and spring break and holidays and fun stuff.  But I don't really want to talk about much of anything.  Blah.
This chemo/trial drug (no idea which one) have made me quick to cry, testy and short-tempered.
Feeling claustrophobic.
I just want to feel joy and the thrill of something good.  For more than just the moment.
I want good feelings that linger.  I want to bask in the glow of a happy heart.
I am grateful.  I am thankful.  I am in awe of the kindnesses you keep pouring out on us. 
I guess that counts.  I'm not a total automaton if I can feel thankful.  That's good.
I'm sick of having cancer and would like to be healed now.

They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength, they will mount up on wings as eagles.  I have hope.  That's really the most important.

I haven't posted much lately because 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all' and all the posts I write in my head just sound like sadness or whining.  I don't spend all day sad.  I hope I don't spend all day whining.  I'm just feeling lost and alone and trapped I guess.  It'll pass. 


  1. I appreciate your honesty. Share it all's good for you and for us too.

  2. Sending you virtual hugs today.

  3. Love you, thinking of today.
    Looking at the beautiful snow capped mountains. Where does my help come from...💜

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  5. I wish I could say that I know how you feel, but I don't. Our hearts break with you, but we rejoice with you also. I love you and am praying for a good sunshine-snowtoppedmountain-filled drive!

  6. Words cannot express. lots of prayers going up. Love cam

  7. Still thinking of you, even if you don't post. Now that I have a new pc everything loads so much faster. I look forward to seeing what you choose to share. Thoughts of you and your family are with me often, especially as another term winds down. Not being as eloquent as you, it is hard to say what I really feel. You are amazing, even at those low times. And your family is pretty special too.
    Take care

  8. Sounds like a super tough place to be : (
    Hugs, luvs & ever prayers xox

  9. Your authenticity is inspiring - thanks for being you. Still pray for you every day and have hope in all this. In this full time job of conquering cancer, may His Spirit sustain you :) xoxo Devana


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