Floating with a smile on my face.

Floating is one of my very favouritest things to do.  Just be.  Just breathe.  Just drift.
Don't think.  Don't fret.  Just trust.  It will be okay.  Relax into it.  Feel the cares melt away.

I've been working on a very long list the last few days and have been powering through it in record time.  One of my projects was to complete a digital scrapbook (I use shu tter fly dot com) of our recent camping trip... wow what a lot of awesome photos of amazing days I have!  My family is a bunch of crazy photographers... not a moment passes without a photo snapped. 
I'm not joking.

As I looked through the photos of that one camping week, I am struck again and again by how amazing my life is.  I am so very blessed with an incredible husband and four beyond-amazing blessings in our children.  I have two parents who are married 40 years and who love me dearly and love their family dearly.  I have two sisters, they have two stellar husbands and five amazing kids between them, that love me and love my kids and are always willing to step up and help.  Shawn and I have a fun RV travel trailer that affords us summer holidaying away from home.  My husband has a job that he loves and that gives him holiday time away.  The memories made around building campfires and roasting wienies and burnt marshmallows and whittling sticks are absolutely precious.

Wow.  I am speechless at the list of blessings in this life.  God is so so so good.

I hope you can take a moment and look through your photos today... whether they are recent photos or your baby album or albums from your own children's first few years... go and open up those memories, relive the moments good and hard, see how very blessed you have been, see that God was there even in the harder circumstance and He was definitely there in the birthday parties and Christmases and sillinesses.  Whether you have a personal relationship with God or not, He has been there through your days... let the smile that breaks across your face and the warmth in your heart become an awareness of a loving God who cares for you.

In my photo albums I have the usual photos... the happy smiles and great gifts and fun cakes.  I also have the photos of screaming babies, typewriter ink on my new white cabinets courtesy of a two years old boy, maple syrup tracked all through new carpets courtesy of that same curious toddler.  Hard days and good days, I know that God got us through them all.  The photos of friends and family and loved ones are reminders of the helpers that have been here along the way: angels in our days, help from God when we asked for it and even when we couldn't think clearly to ask.

I am feeling the fullness of joy of the blessings I have received.

I like that smile that I feel on my face.

Encouraging words

This encouragement was just too beautiful to not share!

In the fall, before my surgery, we had a family photo session.  Today I was looking through the pictures and re-reading the kind words left in the comments section. This comment was left on that photographer's blog:

The Lord guided you into consciousness giving you that pain in your shoulder. It is with the start of that pain that he lead you to the issue at hand. It could have gone undetected but he wanted you to start your journey now. The secret is to never give up. To never give in to the enemy feeding you doubts and discouraging thoughts. Be lifted up by the positive thoughts, wishes and prayers that the people around you send your way and up to heaven. You are not alone in this fight. Every person who sees these pictures or reads your story has you in their thoughts and prayers. Positivity is the key! The journey may not be the most pleasant but the victory won after a hard fought fight is glorious! I expect nothing less than a total healing and in turn the people around you and those that don't know you but know of your story, will all learn something from this battle. Don't ever think that you are alone in this... you have a team of people behind you sending you the positive when you least expect it. No negative. Just remember, he has great plans for you. He promises us all that. I cant wait to see where this journey takes you. My heart is expecting miracles. Stay positive and keep him close! You have an army fighting with you. Please remember that. ~ E.S.

[click here to go to the photoshoot]

Shawn & Kristin, July 27, 2013

Shawn and I snuck out for a drive and a Sbucks last night!  I love this photo of us, we are so cute!

Can you believe it?  Coming up on 19 years of marriage!  Amazing to think on!

With summer sunlight staying up so late, and having older kids in the house it gets almost impossible to find alone time or space for private conversation.  Since I'm all for the kids cleaning up the messes, I've started dragging Shawn (he's super diligent and would rather clean the messes up first... um, hello... we have kids for that!) out after dinner while the kids clean up and so we can come home to a tidied kitchen and jammied kids.  We don't do it often enough, but when we have, it has been good for all six of us to have the space and the time to get things done!   I feel like I'm always sharing my husband with the kids... he is an incredibly amazing and devoted daddy... so sometimes a momma just has to take her man back and hog him all to herself!  [smile]

We drove out to a local water skiing lake to check out the beaches... sand, real sand!  That's a true treat for us folks on the westcoast of Canada.  Our beaches are gorgeous, our views are incredible, but our rocks can be sharp and sand is hard to come by... this particular beach is man-made.  We will definitely come back with the kids!

Morning thoughts.

Is it better to hold them close, be in their space, parent them all through the days?  Or, is it better to step back and watch and see that they can be fine without me?

Is it better to pursue relationships and be active in a friend's life?  Or, is it better to relax the relationship and let that person bond with others?

How to balance the 'here and now' with the 'doctors are just waiting for cancer to overtake me' with the desire and need for relationship?

Wanting to pour into my children's lives as I always have, but afraid that it would be harder for them if I was gone.

Being so sick during chemo did, somewhat, remove me from my children's lives.  But, there was hope that I was getting better each time.  There was the climb back up out of chemo darkness and they knew they could still come to me, although definitely with more care and quiet.

Wanting to rush and do and be and partake.  Afraid to let me own hopes soar... no, more afraid of the words that will dash those soaring hopes.  God keeps me soaring, Satan keeps trying to crash me, man/humans/doctors are just the messenger.

Yesterday it was as if cancer hadn't come. Almost.  Probably the closest to that I've had.  Even in the moments where my breathing was a little difficult or I had a cough and panic tried to set in, I still felt so normal, unencumbered, just almost free.  But even in those moments of feeling 'free-er than usual' I knew it was just that... not the true freedom I used to feel, live, enjoy, be.   And I felt lost.  I'm still struggling to figure out who this new Kristin is.  I am so changed.

I have joy.  And it is followed by tears.  I have anxious moments, which are quickly turned to praise for God's faithfulness and thankfulness for Him getting me this far.

I don't know how to talk to people, close people, anymore.  I feel so very careful about what I say, to protect myself from wandering thoughts.  To protect them from the hard and scary and crappy bits.  Living in the moment is good for me emotionally and panic-wise, but it feels a little hollow, too.  Part of the fun is in the looking-forward-to-it, and I'm afraid to look forward because that inevitably brings so many other unwanted thoughts with it.

So, back to focusing right here and now.  And a smile comes quickly to my face.  Right here, right now, I am enjoying summer holiday with the kids.  Right here, right now, I am enjoying the quiet of the house and the click of keyboard keys as B and I both spend some computer time.  I love watching him, the way he holds his hands, the way his lips sort of purse when he is in concentration.  I love hearing his little quiet whistles, and his whispers (a new skill!) make me smile because of all the "SHH!" I have done over the years to help remind him to "lower your volume".

I am smiling to think on how Shawn is still sleeping and how he looks in our bed.  I love how warm and squooshy C will be when he emerges and sleepy-eyes-lumbers down the stairs to find me for his good morning snuggles.  I know that M is going to be hard to wake today, just like every other day (mornings aren't her thing) and I know that her hair is going to be wild and wonderful and big-messy when she gets up.  And K, a tangle of teenager and blankets asleep all tumbled in his bed.   Ah, bliss.

Going to get some cuddles in, I hear kids stirring and clomping down the stairs.  [smile]

Root canal

Finally getting that annoying tooth dealt with.  Grateful for the cancellation spot that came available for me.  Please pray for zero complications and speedy recovery.  I am nervous about side effects and things going sideways though I have had successful root canals in the past.  Happy to just get this tooth fixed!

My appointment is 8:30am Saturday. 

[smile]

Reading back on some blog posts from November, after surgery and leading into radiation.  Reflecting on the ups and downs of even just today... the energy, the emotions, the normal mommy-tolerance stuff.  This is cancer and I'm doing it!

[smile]

I'm sitting here in tears and crying torrents... but happy torrents.  I am just so heart-happy in this moment.  How can a silly Maroon 5 song make me feel so ... in love with the lovingness of God?  Crazy, right?  I love how little seemingly inconsequential things can just stop me in my tracks and bowl me over with how loved I am, how much I love my God, how much I love the people around me, these kids, my husband, my parents and siblings and the whole gaggle of family that I am blessed with.

Bowled. over. with. love. in. my. heart.

[speechless] [grateful] [wow-ed]


CLICK HERE for Maroon 5: Love Somebody [video, a little risque so just turn the speakers up and the screen off!]

A family that plays together, stays together... or not!

 So, you may not know this about me... but I'm a total Nerd-wanna-be!  I love books, I love Big Bang Theory, I love sciencey stuff, I love inventions, I love math (though it's is really not my strong suit at all... in fact, I totally suck at it!), and I love games!  I don't have a super long attention span for games, but I love'em.  Hmm... maybe I'm already a Nerd.  That's awesome!!!

 Now that our oldest child is 14, and especially since all four kids seem to like games as much as Mommy does, we are playing more and more together.  It is awesome to be past the Clue Jr and Monopoly Jr and Scrabble Jr phase and be moving on to bigger, more detailed games.  In fact, as part of our basement reclamation project (aka 'dunging out the toy room') we are setting up a games shelf (this is what Gamer-Nerds do, so as not to crush the boxes under each other... how awesome is that!) and games table.  Some of these little treasures take a couple of hours to play so we need to not be setting up on the kitchen table where dinners are served! 

Ah, how happy it made me to open this new game and see all the little tokens waiting to be set free from their packaging... ooh, and set into their divided tray.  Ahhhhhh, bliss!  Now, to figure it out... the kids are chomping at the bit waiting for me... well, they are actually playing another new game, 'Martian Dice' (super fun, dice game, highly recommend) while they wait... but I can feel their buzz of excitement and their impatience in the air about me.

What games does your family play?

July 2013

What a lovely and good July we are having.  Lots of days lounging at the lake.  We got to go camping with the kids and even extended family.  The Canada Day Parade was a blast.  I've had lots of opportunity to visit with friends.  Mom and Keri and Kori and I just returned from a whirlwind trip to Calgary to meet our newest baby cousins and visit with family there.  So many good things.  So. many. good. things.
And I am weepy.  I have gotten pretty good at not thinking beyond this moment I am in.  Anything more tumbles my thoughts quickly into a tangle of worries and fears and sorrows that trip me up and weigh me down.  Planning for the fall is a dangerous, too-close-to-the-edge slippery slope.  Need to register for extra-curriculars, should have done that already, can't quite do it, fear.  Not actually fear but apprehension maybe?  It is always there, just below the surface.  I am smiling, and enjoying, and savouring, and living, and rejoicing, and loving, and doing.  I feel good.  I have some coughs.  Every cough is a worry. 
Tears fall silently.  They escape in moments of love, when my heart flows over with the immense feelings I have towards my children, my husband. My parents.  My sisters. My longtime friends. My dear ones.  Today I am cranky.  This week I have been cranky.  Everything is too much.  The pressure to 'enjoy the moment' and the reality of 'you still have cancer'.  I wonder if I will ever get the hang of this balance.
Had an amazing visit with a longtime-on-my-heart friend today.  Got stuff done that needed to be done.  Finding it really hard to be home.  I need to be here and to rest.  Hard to do with kids on summer holidays, harder to do when the couch and the recliner and the tissue box and the everything remind me of chemo days.  Harsh flashbacks hit me out of left field and if I don't see them coming, don't brace myself against their force, I am knocked off my feet physically and emotionally.
So... not thinking.  Just smiling and being and stopping-what-I'm-doing to really focus on the kids when they speak to me.  And not thinking.  Thinking is dangerous and hard on the emotions.
Finding it hard to even chat with people.  We tend to talk about tomorrow, don't we?  About what's coming up next.  I can't do that.  I can't ... risk the emotion and the worries.  I just keep laying all that mess at the feet of Jesus.  He comforts me.  He holds me.  He just smiles at my worries and sends me peace.  Most moment, most days, most of the time it is really God's peace that I feel.  Even in the moments that tears roll down my face, I have peace. 
I want to blog for you, share with you, keep you updated.  I feel ... grateful for your faithful care and prayers these last many months.  I feel responsible to keep up my side of the relationship.  I don't want to be a bummer.  I'm doing pretty good I think. Just floating at the surface of the days.  And I think that's okay for this season.
Are you doing anything fun this summer?  Spending time with your kids?  Spitting watermelon seeds?  Slushie runs?  Water fights?  I hope so.  Have fun, be silly, live in the moment.  Don't worry about savouring it or memorizing it or figuring it out or judging it.  Just be.
[smile]

Because God Sees / Building Cathedrals

Isn't this a beautiful perspective (article below)...  it is about motherhood, but I think it can also apply to so many relationships we have, even to our own life. Every connection we make with another person is an opportunity to build them up and speak encouragement into their lives.  Kristin

_________________________

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’
Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?? 
Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’
Some days I’m a crystal ball; ‘Where’s my other sock? Where’s my phone?, What’s for dinner?’
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, and she’s gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’
In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. 
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’ 
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was Almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. 
When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he’d say, ‘You’re gonna love it there…’ 
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.
—Anonymous
[Source: http://whatcomfamilies.com/2013/05/11/the-invisible-mother/]

at the ocean

Enjoying this beautiful view and feeling blessed. 

Over "to do"-ed!

Feeling over-"to do"-ed.  So many people I want to visit with.  So many piles of stuff we are sorting through and dunging out.  So many events to share in.  So many rooms to take back after those long, dark chemo months of not-much-got-done-beyond-the-basics.  And then summer schedule and daddy on holiday and kids to camps and play dates and spending time with our own six and feeling pressured as I balance "make moments count" with the reality of "sometimes mommy needs some alone time" and the guilt-worry-laying-fears-down and doctor words and and and.  

These are good days.  I am not complaining at all.  I am just trying to figure out this new current reality.  And apparently I'm not as good at change as maybe I once was!  [eye roll] [chuckle]

And part of this, I know, is the usual summer-is-here / school's-out shuffle!!

LOL

[smile]

Go... Enjoy your day!  Do something that makes you heart happy!

Hooray!

Port flush today... Done in record time! Like, under seven minutes from waiting room to elevator ride back to the van!  The nurse was so kind, so sad to hear my story but so encouraged with how well I look and seem.  Yay!  And, she got blood on the first draw!!!  Thank you, Lord!! For the many, many, many blessings.  For the people holding us in their prayers.  May people see You in my story. [smile]

Waking up with a smile.

I woke up with a smile in my heart.  God's peace.  Even in my sleepiness I was feeling a smile.  God is good.  I am grateful for this day.  I am excited for what God is doing in my family and with us.  I look forward to getting things done today and spending time with my peeps chillaxin' a little.  It is a good day.  A good, good day.   Be open to God's good for your day, too, k?!

Feeling lost.

Had a follow-up cystoscopy (bladder scope) today.  Should have been routine, doctor found one small and one very small polyp.  "If it's cancer it would be really low grade" was his response.  He explained that this wasn't as surprise to him, given my type of cancer (urinary cancer).  The choice was to have a ten minutes surgery on a later date, or for him to laser the polyps today.  I trust his judgement and he decided to do the procedure right then.  It was gross and icky and uncomfortable and pretty intense.  Apparently I did really well.   When Shawn and I got back to the van I told him what happened and the tears flowed.  I couldn't stop crying.  I wasn't expecting news or bad news when I went today.  I had to wait 1 1/2 hours for my turn because a little 91yrs old man was super late for his appointment before me.  Tension.  God sent me an angel: the man waiting with me for his appointment shared stories of his new grandbaby, his trip to South America, he gave me a smile and told me it'd be alright.  God brought him to my morning, I needed the distraction.  When my angel-friend wasn't with me I kept having flashbacks to the last time I was in that part of the hospital just two days after hearing I had cancer.  It was dark and scary and I was in shock and the nurses and volunteer lady were amazing.  So, this morning was just a lot.  The good news today was that when I asked "how many times can you remove those polyps if they come back?" my doctor said "I have a patient who I've been following for twenty years... we just keep removing them".  So that was good.  My doctor was very positive.  Me, I am feeling very ... into myself.  I don't know what to think.  I don't know how to feel.  I just keep saying "thank you God" because I know it is He who is holding me upright and keeping me from crumpling.  This afternoon my hubby and kids and I worked on the chaotic mess that is our basement family room.  We did get lots accomplished and that felt good.  Please keep praying for Shawn and I and the kids and my parents and my sisters and our extended family and our friends?  Thank you.

I am having trouble hitting the 'post' button on this.  I don't know why.  I have been very honest with you, very open.  I am feeling very raw I think, emotionally confused and unsure and lost.  Living in each moment, focusing on the here and now.  Loving my husband and kids, thanking God for the day as it comes, rejoicing in the good and the miraculous.  It is curious to me that the doctor was very surprised that I am not on any meds except the thrombosis medication.  All along this journey the nurses have commented "really? you're not on anything" and I am chalking those up to miracles.  God is taking care of me, us, this.  I am grateful.  This morning was hard. The rest of the day was... moving forward.

Where it's at.

Spent the day at the lake with my sisters and their families and the sand and the sun.  Was a lovely and relaxed day.  Yesterday we arrived home from a week of camping, that was a good week, too.  I don't think I'm in denial, but I just don't know what to say so it is easier to just not say much of anything.  Definitely drawing into myself right now.  Keep reaching out to me, okay?  And definitely keep praying.  God is taking care of us and I still believe He has miracles and miracles and miracles for us... the best one is that His peace is very present in our lives.

Cute moment this morning with C (6yrs) at the grocery store today:  We were walking through the store and I was about four paces ahead of him.  He is a chatter-er and was keeping up a dialogue that I wasn't following.  He said, "I'm not alone, Mommy", "did you know there is someone with me?"  I turned and said, "Pardon?"  His reply, pointing to the air beside him, "See that there is someone beside me?  Did you know that someone is beside me?....  do you know who is beside me?  Do you know that someone is always beside me?"  Me, "Oh, ya?"  Him, "Yes, see, it's Jesus, Jesus is always beside me, that's what they told me (in Sunday School)!"  Me, "You're right, C, isn't that awesome?  That Jesus is always with us?  He is always right beside us."   God blessing me through my baby-boy-six-years-old.  [humbled]

And He is.  Thank you, Lord, thank you so much for being right with me, us, always.

I have peace.  I have tears if I think even a day ahead.  I really am just living in the moments.  God is with me.  [smile]

Look!!! New hair is growing!!!

CT Results

We had our post-chemo, post-CT scan follow-up appointment yesterday.

The doctor, new to me, said quickly, "It's good news!" then, "the cancer responded favourably".  So that was good and brought tears of relief.   She also said, "your kind of cancer is not curable" and "you are feeling strong right now, you should do things that you want to do now" and "I will continue to closely monitor you and frequently".   "The next time you have chemo it will be harder" and even though you can't just keep doing chemo forever "there are trials in Vancouver that you can be a part of".  So, she seemed positive and that was good.  She seemed to feel that we had options and that was good.

It was good news...but.   She was very clear that the cancer is shrunk but that I still have cancer.  The message was very much live in the now.

I am... overwhelmed and feeling so many things.  This feels more a death sentence than the initial diagnosis did.  Yesterday I was fighting to feel hope.  Today I feel God smiling and holding us.  I know He was yesterday, I was just overwhelmed again.  I am scared of chemo ever again because it was so hard.  I am trusting.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge God and He will direct your path. ~ Bible

The chemo worked, the cancer is shrunk and there are no new shadows and my guts are clear.  Praise God.  The cancer is shrunk, please pray that it stays shrunk for years and years and years.  I want to see my kids graduate, I want to be here when my daughter is pregnant with her first child,  I want to be the mother at each of their weddings, I want to watch as they continue to grow and make friends and be friends and start dating and all of those things.  I am ... in disbelief... and I am trusting in God's plan for us all.  And I am breaking out into random tears and I am smiling and I am laughing and I am holding the warm-fuzzy moments in my heart and I hope that the dear ones around me are committing their special or warm-fuzzy or love-filled interactions with me to heart, too.

Please, pray for us.  Father God, we want and need your peace. 

I'm fine.

Trying to make plans, trying to look ahead a little and am looking forward to summer fun.  And then I realize I forgot to do my shot.  And then thoughts of cancer creep in.  And then I want to cancel the plans and the fun and just go throw myself on my bed and let panic overtake me.  Just let it roll over me and carry me away because its a lot of work to live a non-panicked life some days.  You have to keep laying it down, keep trusting in God's peace and that he has a plan and I am in it. But I know I wouldn't like to feel that panicky way for real, so I bury my head in a book or go searching for junk food or find a kid to chat with. The panic is swelling and making my chest hurt right now.  It is what it is.  I am apprehensive about my CT results on Wednesday.  I just want my life back the way it was.  My innocence.  My not-afraid.  My ignorance.  Now I feel tired. 

Project: complete!

The bookshelves were overflowing and stories were scattered around the house, some tucked under pillows even!  The solution, my dream, a consolidated home library!  New shelves were purchased and constructed and then kids and I brought all the books together and got them shelved.  I am so happy!

Tired

I did not sleep well last night.  The weather was perfectly cooled so I should have slept well.  Shawn took the winter duvet off the bed... I need the weight of it.  Also, last night we were making plans for next week which included a brief discussion on childcare during my oncology appointment.  So as soon as I woke up to pee at 5am my thoughts turned to the CT and fear came and got a grip on my heart and mind.  I prayed, God gave me a miracle... the ringing in my ears (chemo side effect) started up and I asked God to please stop it and He did, in that instant.  So it was cool to lay there and sing praises in my exhaustion because that was a direct and immediate answer to prayer.  And then my thoughts turned to "He's got this, Kristin" and while I was still clinging to that fear for some reason,  I felt more calm and eventually was able to eventually fall back to sleep.  This morning I am exhausted.  Busy week since the kids got out of school, yesterday was an excellent and accomplished-stuff day, tomorrow is my brother-in-law's wedding.  My emotions are spent and my energy is a little low.  My tooth has an absess (remember that tooth that was troublesome on and off during chemo?) so I'm on a prescription that is new to me and will cause diarrhea and gut ache so I'm tense about that.

Not complaining, just documenting. 

I know that today will be a good day ... I just need to finish waking up.  Today is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.   I have enjoyed so much quality time with each of the kids, and with the four of them as a whole, this week... I love that I see it and recognize it and noticed it and savoured it.  But wow, I'm tired... recovery is still slow in some areas.  Oh, and last night we went for a huuuge walk after dinner so my body is feeling it for sure.  LOL

Have a great day... it's Friday!!!!

Quote I like.

Time Contraints

I feel pressured to 'get things done' around the house.  I was supposed to be graduating this (just past) spring.  I was supposed to take that time between my last course and walking the stage to get the house in order after transitioning our last kid into school and transitioning myself from university student to mom to working mom.   And then we got cancer.

Now that chemo is done I feel this huge pressure from myself to get the house in order... in case I get sick again... in case the CT isn't clear and I have to do chemo again... get to do chemo again... I am forever grateful that I was able to have chemo, some people cannot.  And then there is the balancing of 'time with the kids' and 'time with Shawn' and 'time with family' and 'time with friends'... these are the important things that I easily and readily say "Yes, I can!" whenever the invitation and/or opportunity arises... but then I come home to this chaos-house. 

And so, I need to shift my thought process from "get things done" to "wow, look at all we did in this day!" so that I am celebrating the moments and not bumming out about what's still to be done.  Besides, I'd rather not look at this beautiful house and all the blessings (stuff... accumulation... yes, one-time-hoarding) as a downer, but rather work through the tasks with a cheerful heart!

Ah, I feel better.  Thanks for listening.

Getting this house in order!

What a lot of chaos and accumulation this house has seen!  Over this last week, between social visits and end-of-school-year activities for the kids, I have been making sloooow progress on reclaiming parts of the house after my long absence.  It feels great to see the floor in the boys' bedroom after tripping over a carpet of Leg.o all school year!  Next to get myself back on routine for laundry!  I am spending most of my time really focusing on the kids' faces, getting up and going to them because I am able, listening to their stories and silliness (they've been saving up while I was sick), and relearning how to make meals and buy groceries!

There are so many things from "before cancer" that I just have no recollection of, and basic housekeeping is one if them.  I am looking on this lack as an opportunity to define "life" as I choose and am figuring out new recipes and routines along the way!  [smile]

Yesterday was an Ik.ea day and it felt great to come home with new shelves for our home library! This project has been in my mind for months as I sat staring at overflowing shelves and piles of books on the living room floor.  Thanks Daddy and Kyle for getting three of five shelves built last night, Connor and I look forward to our librarian work today!  Off to the farmers' market this morning, then to work on a project for the Canada Day parade and maybe even time at the lake!  It is so good to be alive and I love feeling well!!!!

First day of summer vacay...

Enjoying our first day of summer vacation today!  We are planning on being super lazy, watching some tv, reading some books, maybe playing a board game or two.  The kids and I love summer vacation and we all look forward to these days together.  Some days will be lazy, some days will be an adventure, some will have house organizing and clean-up, some will be a combination of these things.  Today we must make our Summer Manifesto so that we don't forget to do the things we were "waiting til summer vacation" to do... that happened to us last year!  Doh! 

My follow-up oncology appointment (to get the CT results) keeps getting moved around as my oncologist had a personal emergency and I am being shuffled and rescheduled as the new oncologist arrives.  I'm not in a huge rush for that appointment.  I mean, not knowing is easier for me.  Ignorance does have an element of bliss.  [smile]  I just want to enjoy this summer with the kids.  And the next one.  And the next one.  For the rest of my life... which I hope is super long.

Some days I feel like I spend about 50% of my time and energy on fighting off fear, big and small.  It is amazing to me how quickly my thoughts turn dark, my hopes disappear, a tender moment or memory reduces me to tears.  I spend a lot of time in full on crying.  Even typing this, the tears are threatening and I am fighting them back.  Raw.  My emotions must be pretty raw.  And full.  My heart is so full.  I am constantly reminded... God brings me the joy-memory always in such perfect timing... of all the great moments and times and experiences and relationships and and and that I have had in my 41 years.  Incredibly blessed.  I am so incredibly blessed.  It's hard not to get stopped by the memories and to look up, look forward to the good yet to come.  And then I smile and the tears stop and the kids are yelling and ki-yi-ing and fooling around and cause my eyes to roll in happy-mom-dom and then life starts moving forward out of the panic moment again.  God is good.

So, that's what's up right now.  I was able to attend the year end assembly at the littles' school yesterday.  I can't fathom that I lost an entire school year, my brain was confused walking through the halls... how can it be year end already?  We didn't barely start yet.  Strange.  I'm usually so actively involved in my kids' school and homework and daily life and I have strong moments of mourning what I missed this year.  And even so, what quickly springs to mind is all the together-time we spent in this living room, on this couch, watching this tv... together, in the same room, sitting, being, spending time, my love language.  And so I feel actually celebratory about these chemo months.  Celebratory, happy, thrilled even.  How weird is that?!?!   That has got to be God. 

Focusing on this moment.  Praising God for this day, for this time, for this moment.  THIS one.  Right here.  With kids screeching and teasing and wrestling and being loud... usually we are a quiet house, they have their own emotions and chemo-months energies to get out. 

Summer Vacation, we love it!

So many reasons to celebrate!

Spent the later half of Saturday celebrating Meg and looking forward to the upcoming wedding.  It was lovely to spend time with Meg's close friends and to have some girl time and talk about the wedding!

Sunday morning saw us in church watching our oldest son give his testimony (the story of his life and his relationship with God).  I love our church family and love how 'at home' my family feels there!  I highly recommend finding a church home that makes you feel so glad it's Sunday!

Sunday afternoon we gathered with our church family, our physical family and dear friends to witness Kyle being baptized (a symbolic act of being dunked under water and coming out as a 'new person', symbolizing how our relationship with Jesus Christ takes our sins away and prepares our heart for eternal life with God)... such a big moment in a person's life and Shawn and I are so thrilled that Kyle made the choice to publicly declare his relationship with God.

So many reasons to celebrate and I was so glad to be able to attend each one of them!  Yes, tears.  Yes, moments of overwhelmed.  Yes, I don't feel quick enough in my thinking to keep a conversation going.  But a big YES!!!!  that I am healthy and able to attend.

Smile in your day.  Do it!!!

Today

Feeling overwhelmed with things.  Not everything but many things.  Not so good at making choices.  Just wrote a long rambling post but it was too confused and bummer-ish to post.  Trying to fit back into my life but with balancing the reality that I'm not fully recovered yet.  The kids see me off the couch and as back-to-normal, I am not but am pushing to be so for them.  I am so sad of being the source of their somber expressions or tiptoeing around and the sadness in their eyes.  I cry at the drop of a hat, seriously anything happy or sad or good or bad or even nothing at all just gets me crying.  Crying just typing that.  The quote above really spoke to me today.  Trying to figure out what to do with what I have left... what time, what energy, what years, what relationships, what redefined hopes, what can-I-still-have-them dreams for our lives.  Jesus Calling the other day reminded me that there may be a huge mountain looming ahead of me, but I can't see the path that God has created to get me around that mountain.  I need to just focus on the step in front of me and know that God has a plan and I am still in it.  And I want to smile.  And I want to not feel pressured to make 'every' moment count, that is too much pressure.  Trying to figure out balance and wanting to look forward with hope.  Need to be patient with myself, it was an eight month hill that we just climbed, and we need to physically and mentally and emotionally take the time needed to catch our breath!

Follow-up mammogram and ultrasound

The nurse called today to tell me what the ultrasound tech already told me two days ago at the appointment: no changes noted in the scans compared to my previous appointment 6 months ago.  This is good news.  The breast doctor asked me to make a follow-up appointment for six months from now, but through my own doctor.  I think this is good news... it's good news when you go back to your family doc from the Cancer Agency. So, more follow-up, another scan, another appointment, trying to be mellow but feeling grumpy and 'is this the rest of my life...interruptions and appointments and phone calls at water parks about exam results and health?' mixed with 'I should be grateful they can follow-up, yay technology'.  [sigh]

I am very tired these days.  Been going going going every day and feeling worn down.  It's not as simple as saying no to things, the things I am doing are important to me and have value.  But I am really feeling worn down and tired.  The kids have three more days of their school year, then we have a family wedding, and then we shall rest a little.  I'm resuming making dinners, which means shopping for some groceries...haven't even started attempting to do laundry again yet!

I live in British Columbia but do have family in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.  There is some huge flooding going on in Calgary and area right now, please hold the people affected in your prayers.
Thanks.

Not Twins

My sisters are twins. 

Generally, I introduce myself as the "not the twin", especially because we three girls are only 19 months apart in age.  Today Kori showed up at my door in the same top as me.  I guess if you spend a lot of time with twins, you become 'the new twin'!  LOL

Nervous Energy

Just sitting here, waiting for Mom to arrive to take me to my hospital appointments.  Feeling nervous energy building.  I'll do better once we are there.  It's the drive that gets me these days.

Have wanted to post some thoughts, some responses, some ramblings, but haven't been able to.  I think I'm partly scared of getting too deep into my own head.  Not sure what crazy thoughts or huge fears are lurking there.  Actually, that's not true.  I know exactly what's lurking there and I just don't feel brave enough to deal with it.  Actually, that's not true, either.  I know I am brave enough because I am brave in Christ, I am strong because I have God's strength through me, helping me.  I just don't wanna.  I don't wanna deal with scary stuff or sad stuff or hard stuff any more.  Not for now.  Not for ever.  Not for a long, long, long while.  I just want everything to be great and everyone I know to be great and everything to just be the fairytale I was living and knowingly enjoying before.  Before 'this'.

So many people who read this blog have told me how my openness has blessed them, how it has helped them to help a friend who wasn't as open at sharing their cancer journey or struggles.  Reading my blog has helped some of you relate differently/better/ more or help differently/better / more (your words) to other people in your life.  I love that.  You telling me that has blessed me, helped me to feel purpose in my crappy days and hard moments, knowing that you might glean something from my blog that would enable you to better love on someone else has brought me joy in hard, hard times.  Thank you for telling me.  It has also kept me motivated, made me feel responsible/have a job to do (which gives me purpose outside of being a patient), accountable, to keep up the blogging in detail.  Keeping it honest and being open is just me... I'm a 'heart on sleeve' kind of girl and for some of you that's probably sometimes too much, so thanks for slogging through and keeping reading this blog anyway!  [huge smile]


-------

Back from my mammogram and ultrasound follow-up.  Did the port flush.  The ultrasound tech shared that 'everything looks the same [as it did 6 months ago]', which is a good thing.  The nurse will phone me maybe even tomorrow with results.  The port flush had me nervous but the nurse was able to get me hooked up (accessed) and draw blood (yay) right away!  Thank you Lord!!!!

Now I am home and tired, going to the hospital is mentally draining.  I couldn't even eat breakfast this morning, I was just feeling out of sorts about it all.  Glad it's done.  Yay!

Last Day of Grade 9 & Hospital day

Today is the last day of grade 9 for our eldest. Amazing that the year has passed by already. Wow! He is ready for grade 10 and we look forward to the summer off!

Today is my six month mammogram and ultrasound follow-up. The breast doctor told me she expects no concerns but this is routine. I don't think I feel nervous, mostly it's just another thing I have to do. My body doesn't feel my own anymore.

After that appointment is my port flush appointment in Day Care (where I had my blood transfusion at the hospital). That is always nerve-wracking for me, just because the port has been such a fickle thing and I want it to not cause anymore problems. [weak smile]

Other than missing Kyle coming home on his last day (bummer), today will be a good day, I feel it. And tomorrow I will
pick him up at noon from his final exam and we will celebrate in a mom-and-Kyle way... perfect!

Enjoy your day!!!
Kristin

Next appointment is NEXT month

I won't have t CT results til July... I'm okay with not knowing right now.

I'm finding it strange to be back in my life... But not fully in it... But still a cancer patient... But trying to define something that shifts as if my emotions were sand. Grateful to be alive. Trying to not panic about the sheer volume of tears that keep flowing, cleansing after a long "be strong" journey I think.

Today has been an excellent day!!!

Away!!!!!

Shawn and I took the opportunity to get away Friday and Saturday. Sunday was the busy-ness of Father's Day. All is well and I am filling my days with seeing friends and being OUT of the house!!!! I will post details soon, I promise... Haven't found balance yet! A GREAT problem to have so many friends to see!!! Just focusing on the moment and keeping peace in my heart!!!

Praying

Let it be clear.
Let it be clear.
Let it be clear.
Please let it be clear.

Praying for Natalie

Hello friends,
Please pray for my friend Natalie. She is battling breast cancer and is so very sick and sad right now. Please hold her up in your prayers tonight. Thank you.
Kristin

Next step

Tomorrow is my CT scan. I don't want to think about it (the needle, going to hospital, waiting, the results) and I don't want to talk about it... But I certainly definitely absolutely covet your prayers over my day, the procedure, the experience, my nerves, the waiting... and all of that for my husband and children and family and friends who will be feeling a mix of those things, too!!!

Thank you for holding us in your heart and lifting us in your prayers.

Reading again!

Saw it, read the title, chuckled, bought it.  This is the book I am reading and I am quite enjoying it.  The title made me think of my dear Grandma Martens... she would climb out of the window at her nursing home if she could!  Love you Grandma!!!   I'm about half-way through this book and finding it quite funny, the main character's life to be a little cheeky, and lots of interesting points of history involved... you experience a lot of living through 100 years in the world! 

It feels good to be able to read.  My eyes need a bigger font, but I'm doing well with retaining what I have read which is awesome!   I was just texting with Kori and telling her how I'm finding it hard to have conversation with anyone other than Mom, Dad, Keri, Kori, Shawn... the people that have been here with me constantly these past 7 months.  They saw me at my very worst, smiled when I smiled, cried when I was crying, had their own moments of being brave with me/for me and then (I'm sure) crashing through their own emotions once they got to their car or their home.  Thank you to any of you who took time to text or phone or chat with my family ... the support it takes to support me through cancer is mind-boggling and I am so glad that you were supporting them through this.  Thank you!

So, I am reading.  So I can expand my topics for discussion and feel like I am more than just my cancer experience once again.  Or at least in part... being a cancer patient ...  well, I still have tests to do, doctor appointments to attend, port maintenance appointments (they have to flush Herman and make sure he is working every 4 weeks), and daily shots... 

Yesterday I ran into two ladies at two separate points in my day.  Both of them praying daily for me and my family.  Both of them such a blessing already.   Seeing them, and being seen by them in real life... priceless!

Guilt.  I feel guilty about driving out of my drive way.  I feel guilty when I 'get caught' at a store... I am still sick, we still have meals coming and so I feel bad to be out of the house... not sick on the couch... like, I should just get on with my life now.   It's a weird place to be.  I would love to get back to 'normal'... but I'm not sure that will ever happen again... the new 'normal' will, quite possibly, forever feel like shifting sands in a windy and vast and terrifying-yet-beautiful desert.  

Also, I'm getting really good at picking my stilling-falling-out hair from my food without skipping a beat or missing a bite.  [eye roll]  I also feel guilty about whining about my bald spot.  And I feel sneaky-guilty when I am out but my bald spot is strategically combed-over and you can't see it.  I'm caught between letting that bald spot shine, or going full-on DTru mp and keeping it hidden.  You know that saying "don't sweat the small stuff"... well, the small stuff is what freaks me out.  Just laugh.  I'm a little wonky maybe.

Off to eat my turkey and cheese quesadilla and read my book!

Have a great day... and smile at someone just because!!!
Kristin

Thank you pray-ers!

Thank you all for your comments letting me know you were praying. Thank you for every prayer lifted for me! I had a good sleep, cried through some huge fears between 4:00-5:30am, slept some more, am having a good day. Thank you friends. God is faithful.

Prayers appreciated

Having a hard day and a really hard evening. Just overwhelmed. Please pray. I'm really struggling w emotions and fear and trust.

Thrombosis Clinic Day

Mom and I are headed in to Vancouver this morning, in the torrential rain, for my three month blood clots follow-up. Still amazed and thankful to know those clots are miraculously gone!!! Please pray for me as I will be REALLY disappointed when he tells me I have to keep up the injections. I'm trying to be all "thank you, Lord, for these shots that saved my life" but really I'm all "ah, crap I didn't do my shot yet" and "I hate this" every time. Plus, my belly is sore and bruised and hideous looking and I just want this entire cancer chapter behind me. Eek, I don't ever even tease myself with thoughts of that. I can't believe I actually wrote it. I completely believe that God can heal and I hope that He will, but I don't know how to balance the trusting and believing and "His will" of it... So that is actually what I usually pray/ say when I am talking to God, "I
believe You can heal me, I ask that You will heal me, Your will be done, please give me peace and bring peace to my family and friends around me." [wide eyes bugging, head shaking, shoulders shurgging]. How else should I do? It actually makes "being in this moment" easier... In THIS moment, I'll just smile and know that God has a plan and I am in it. That's my best daily philosophy overall.

May you feel God's presence in YOUR day!

Kristin

PS~ As a side note, as my head has cleared the last two weeks post-chemo, i have had several flashbacks to that night in February when i was told I would not make it. The time of day is unknown to me (ie, how many hours passed though I know I went in to emerg in the morning and got to my room closer to midnight) but I think I was fairly aware for much of the day, I heard everything spoken even with my eyes swollen shut and being so tired. It has been interesting to feel the moments, relive the events and tests (I remember x-rays with the techs having to prop me to sitting, move my arms like I was a puppet, I could hear but was unable to /no energy to move) and things said. I remember getting to the ward and asking my nurse, "Is this where people go to die? Can people go home (get better) from here?" I didn't know where I was, the halls were dark and I thought they had taken me to near the morgue. I remember being very confused and not wanting to be alone but my mom and dad and sisters weren't allowed in while the nurses hooked me up and settled me in and it was creepy... the first emotion I had in that day. Even thinking of that moment on the ward now has me in tears. The intensity of thinking I had been taken there to die. Not knowing where I was. Not knowing why I was there. Not the possibility of dieing but the unknown and the alone... How do people do life without God? I am constantly turning to Him, He is here always, He cares for me always, I can talk to Him always. Each of us can, just talk to Him. I cherish His peace. I am sitting here, tears streaming, praying. Oi, that was a tangent-y ramble!!! [smile]

It has been interesting to watch/feel the emotions roll over me now when I was so calm (in emerg) then.

Right now

Grateful for this day with my kids. Sounds cliche, but memories of dark moments are blowing my mind and just growing my gratefulness more and more!

Miranda is working on a sewing project and Connor has his new laptop (he made it!) charging (see the brown charger?)! Love the minds of these people!!! I love them!!!

Cycle.... um, none!

Today is Tuesday.  Tuesday is usually chemo day or the day I count the weeks in my chemo cycles.  This morning was strange... to wake up and not be going to chemo and not be thinking about all the things I hoped to be strong enough to do 'this week' before 'chemo next week'.  Strange-good!  I'm finding myself thinking about needles, and not going to get bloodwork... it is strange what one can get accustomed to.  And yet... doing the belly injection is still a daily trial.  Oi.  [shake head, smile]

Yesterday was a stay-at-home day.   Today was an out-with-a-dear-friend day!   And both days I did the normal mom role all by myself afterschool... got snacks, heard about the school day, watched the kids playing basketball and be crazy in the backyard, enjoyed time and sunshine together!  This morning I even did the morning routine: made lunches, supervised breakfasts, got kids out the door, got kids to the bus!!!   I did forget to actually put Miranda's food into her lunchbox, but thanks to Diane we got lunch delivered all the same!   [smile]  3 out of 4 kids got lunches out of the gate, that's pretty good for the first time back, right?!  Right!

Came home from my outing and crashed for a full two hours of hard sleep on the couch, so tired but so happy to have had time with my friend and enjoy such a normal good day!!!

Now I'm watching oldest and #3 kid do basketball tricks (such a huge and fun thing to see our least-interested-in-athletics #3 totally basketball crazy!!!), and listening to #2 and #4 jump and squeal as they play with the water hose on the trampoline!  

And, no chemo.  No chemo.  No chemo.  Ahhhhhhh.

I do have a killer headache and shortness of breath which usually has meant low hemoglobin, but since I have no doctor appointments or follow-up for a few weeks I'm just riding it out and resting lots and praying it all evens out.  This body has been through a lot the last six months, stands to reason she needs a little time still to recover!  Thank you for continuing prayers!

I'm continually grateful for the meals that still come, the treats and the texts.  You have been so kind and generous and amazing in your support of me and of Shawn and of our family.  This is something our family reflects on often and I find myself trying to live to your standard of generosity as I can...and look forward to returning to strength and to being able to do more for more people because you have inspired Shawn and I so much!!!  Thank you.  Again and again we are thankful for you!  God is good, and He has surrounded us with so many good people.  Amazing!!!

Yesterday I received a call from the Cancer Agency that my doctor has taken a personal leave, effectively immediately.  I got off the phone, dazed and confused by the BCCA number on my call display... it just threw me for an emotional loop.  Got off the phone and cried, for my doctor and praying peace over whatever her family is going threw, cried for me for meeting a new doctor (I really have felt blessed and have liked my doctor a lot), and cried with a little panic over just the whole thing.  I new I was being emotional, but I also knew that it's okay to vent and let those emotions out.  It is what it is.  After I caught my breath, and then cried-panicked again for a minute and prayed it out and finished out the tears I called my doctor's office and got more detail.  My doctor is gone for the rest of this year and my new doctor is apparently quite nice.  Honestly, I wouldn't expect any different as our experience with BCCA has been nothing short of amazing-kindness at all levels.  It was nice to hear a quick "He is really nice" from the receptionist... words can be such balm.  [smile]   God is bigger and He has a plan and we are in it and I ask that you will pray wisdom and discernment for our new oncologist as we had prayed for Dr. W.  Thank you!

Okay, the water-play outside is getting a bit crazy... time for mommy to intervene!!!  I love hearing their squeals and screams and laughter... those kids know how to have FUN!  Something I'm working on being more of: fun!  ...but I'm still going to intervene before we have a swamp!  LOL

Have a great evening!
Kristin

Freedom!!!!!

Heading to church!

Oh how I have missed our church home these past weeks!!!!

A kid's heart

"I hope the doctor heal you I love you MoM"

We're praying it so, sweet boy! Six years old and so fervent in his prayers each night! God hears!

Hummingbird!

I just had a hummingbird in my hanging baskets!!!  I have ALWAYS WANTED A HUMMINGBIRD and have NEVER seen one up close!!!  I did a report on Bolivia when I was in grade 6, and I remember hummingbirds being part of that, and I still have the report.  One time a hummingbird wizzed past my head.  But THIS hummingbird, whom I have named Clancy, stayed at my hanging basket for a really really really long time, and I could even see the white line on his cheek and the white feathers at the tip of his tail!  And then he went to the happy-dancing-solar-sunflower and was tricked about it not being a real flower so came back to the purple hanging clumpy flowers on my basket and stayed so close for so long and THEN flew up into the Maple Tree and perched and pecked and twitched his tail for a long time until he flew to the neighbours' house and now it is raining hard so I hope he is safe and dry and will come back!!!!!!!   Oh, the rain stopped.  Come back, Clancy, come back!!!!  That was amazing.  Really amazing!  Next time I ... HE'S BACK!!!!!

A new day.

Today is a new day.  I woke up, no tears, just got up (yes, slow but moving!) and came down to kiss and cuddle the kids.  Hanging out, glad it isn't raining, wishing the cottonwood trees would stop making allergy fluff, resting and smiling to myself.   The above quote really sums up this situation... 'you won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over'.  Yep.  So, it's learning this new reality.

Mornings.

[sigh]
Mornings seem to be the hardest for me these days.
My body is slow to wake.  My mind is not.  No good comes from laying in bed waiting.
I pray.  I rest.  I think.  Thinking leads to heart-full, heart-full leads to joy-tears, joy-tears lead to fears of leaving.
I'm not afraid of being dead.  Dead means I will be in Heaven with God.  Leaving makes me sad.  Suffering or hurting or however a person can die of cancer makes me nervous that I couldn't be brave enough to get through without traumatizing my husband and kids and family.  These are the thoughts that come to me in the mornings while my body wakes.  Will I ever bounce out of bed, carefree, again?  I trust so.  Right now it is rolling memories, rolling thoughts, rolling emotions, praying, and a lot of 'get thee behind me Satan, you shall not prevail' and asking God for help.  Literally, I say, "Help."  I don't know how else to get through those moments without a full-on panic.  Sometimes the panic is building, boiling up, my heart cries, "HELP" or whimpers, "help" or begs, "heeehlp" and help comes.  God is good.  We need only ask and trust and believe and know and just trust.  Trust.
My Summer Manifesto {want to do} list builds and then I emotionally push it away.  For months I haven't been able to make a meal for my family, literally can't stand long enough to make mac&cheese.  Don't want to make promises I can't keep... to the kids, nor to me.  Trying to figure out balance between realistic and disappointment.  Pushing away the fears of 'the big disappointment' which would be CT results I don't like.  I just want to go forth in joy and bliss.  Bliss.  Bliss is that state of pure happiness and just carefree weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!   I want that.  I know we will have that.  I'm working really hard on clinging to that.
Is this how the athletes feel after the 0lympics... so... now what?  I'm sure this emotional upheaval is part of everything I didn't have time to sort through during chemo, I know that my physically depleted body is so very connected to dragging down my clear-thinking and my emotions, I know that this is part of the process.  Rest, just rest.  That's what God has whispered. 
I'm reading lots of snippets of Isaiah.  I like that book of the Bible.  There is lots of good cheer in there.  When I set upon certain verses I can just feel God smiling, His love coming through His Words, sunshine on my back.

This moment

 My Faceb00k post right now:

Kristin Erickson

The urge to get in a car and drive is HIGH today... too bad I have not a vehicle, nor the ability to drive, nor the energy to actually act... okay, who's in for kidnapping for me said roadtrip?!?!? :-) Miss Independent I am not. ROFL I crack myself up today! ... so tomorrow... tomorrow I'm totally going to get in a car and drive... well... in my mind. But in real... SO SOON!!!! CHEMO IS DONE!!!!!!! So many happy tears and so many happy-relieved, rest-in-this-moment-don't-get-ahead-of-yourself-but-sure-throw-caution-to-the-wind-and-just-celebrate-it moments where I can't even cry it happily out. That's this moment.

Isaiah 55:12-13 [The Voice translation]

Feeling like I have turned a corner. Still too weak to stand upright, still not stamina to stand long enough to pour cereal and milk without shaking and falling to the chair, but feeling hopeful and feeling like strength will return. Have had two happy-cries where gratitude just overwhelmed me and its only 9:30am! Today is the day The Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. Here's a verse that God laid out for me this morning... I am really enjoying this translation and use it with the NIV Bible just cuz I'm a word-y nerd and love seeing how a changed vocabulary can impact me differently or shift open perspective or bring a new thought! May your day be full of wonder and may you see reasons to celebrate with joy in this day!!!! mwah!

Hard days

This past weekend was really hard.  Chemo sick and a toothache that was unbearable.  On medication to stave off an infection.  Mentally drained.  Having trouble finding the positive.  Just got to get through.  Appreciate the prayers.  I need help.  Today is a new day.  Tomorrow should be a stronger one still.  Yay.

Toothache

Struggling with major tooth pain again. On medication. Appreciate your prayers. Can't go to the dentist for a few weeks yet due to chemo and because I'm on blood thinners.

Bald spot

Cycle 6: Week 2, Day 5

Lost.
I'm floating on a sea with no current, no wind.  Just floating.  Not too ill, not too tired, chemo rolling through.  But chemo is done, behind me for now.  So am a cured? Healthy? Survivor? Remission? Nope.  None of those.  This is the waiting.  And my brain keeps wanting to race forward, drag my shakey-legs and no-energy self to get stuff done.  Move forward.  What's next.  Don't know.  God keeps saying "Rest. Just rest."  So I'm trying.  Working on the discipline of rest.  Rest is an action.  You have to do it.  Like anything else, it takes practice.  I'm ready to get off the couch, in my mind.  Body isn't there yet.  I feel lost.

Today the little  boys are going to grandma's.  The other four of us are going to find something to do around the house and then maybe something out of the house for fun.  We need some fun around here.  Probably that plan will turn into 'wasting the day away because I have no energy to follow-thru' which quickly turns to tears.  It's how chemo weekends go.

The goal for today is to drink (nothing appeals) and to eat protein (gets the body recouperating), rest.  Seems do-able. [weak smile]

Right now

Queasy but manageable. Hungry but not. Thirsty but everything makes me choke. TV on. Yoga pants on. Smile on. Wish my hubby was here.

Cycle 6: Week 2: Day 3

This was my view last night: lots of options of drinks, some uneaten food. Having pretty icky nausea on and off in the day and evening. Felt pretty ick when I woke up in the night but was able to sleep it off. Praying for a more settled tummy today. Feel okay energy-wise but feel like if I move too much or too fast the nausea might come back. So amazed and thankful to have made it to cycle 5 (last cycle) without any queasy, that was one of my big concerns when I found out I would need chemo. I don't like to vomit... Like even thinking about it makes me feel panic! God is good, medicine is good, I am grateful to have made it so far (to cycle 6!!) without nausea!!! Please pray a gentle weekend for me, today is the last day of "the big meds". Did I tell you that my hemoglobin counts jumped 32 points this week!!!! Awesome!!! The blood transfusion did a good thing for my body, the nurses were very pleased with my improved colour, "and your lips aren't white!" LOL I was happy to have energy and to be able to walk in my house without being totally out of breath! I still have moment of awe and amazement over that! Very grateful!!!

Celebration time

Without cake it's just a meeting, not a celebration, right Keri??? Well we are celebrating!!!!! Thanks for taking me out, girls!!!

Reflection: randoms in the early hours when a 6 yrs old climbs into your bed and you don't fall back asleep

loss	innocence.  I have always known death was there, cancer in me has opened my eyes to seeing death lurking in the shadows, I feel marked somehow, like in a fantasy novel.  Get behind me Satan, you shall not prevail because Jesus never fails. [huge smile on my face] God’s peace shines so brightly, filling the shadows, Satan cowers and shrinks back.  God’s peace is so good.  Thank you, Lord.
gain	my parents and my sisters.  I told them first.  Kori then Keri then Shawn then Dad and Mom.  In that instant of speaking it, “I have cancer” something changed, in that instant I was given a gift of physical and emotional closeness which I have wanted my whole life.  I don’t know how I will let them acclimatize back into their own lives and stop hoarding their time and their texts and their physical closeness, I don’t want to.
God	is bigger.
missed	C o k e.
craved	sandwiches.  Q u i z n o s,  S u b w a y, S a f e w a y deli… mmmm, couldn’t stop thinking of sandwiches and ate a lot of them!
vision	blurred.  I could feel the chemo sinking in, murkying my vision, making my eyes seem dim for the first few days each time.
colour	colours are not as bright, not gone, I see them there, but the emotional exhaustion makes even the bright blond hair of our youngest seem less bright.
fast	everything seems to move so fast.  cars, kids, conversation, even time on slow days kept marching past.
clothes	yoga pants.  I now own a few pairs.  who knew?
jellybeans	crave them. can’t keep them in the house. thankful for the ones from Miranda for Mother’s Day. shared about half a handful with only two kids. the jellybeans are mine!!!
smoothies	so grateful for my M a g i c B u l l e t blender.  smoothies with the mixed berries from N e u f e l d s and some protein powder kept me nourished and kept me from constipation (a huge chemo problem for many people).  thank you to Mom and Shawn and the kids for the many apple juice + ice slushies you made me to keep me hydrated.
sleep	I hate to miss stuff, but sleep also takes away the pain or the scary or the muddled brain.  was so grateful that sleep wasn’t hard to find.
port	love-hate.  that thing was a huge blessing and a scary reality.  watched a lot of hot towels wrapped around a lot of brave patient arms.  saw a lot of curtains closed a really long time as loving nurses tried to coax and cajole retreating veins to work. watched a lot of chemo patients go home without their chemo because the nurse couldn’t get a vein.  was so grateful for the port when it worked.  was so tense the times it took several tries and rolling around and lifting my arms and turning my head and hanging my arms and then stopping to send a quick text for prayers and then God answering in that instant and the port working!!!!  will likely not forget the nerves of the day I went for the port insertion surgery.  will likely not forget laying in emergency and Dr. W telling me I likely wouldn’t live through the clotting.  will not forget the peace that came over me as I interrupted him, his hand on my arm, to pray for my husband and my kids, my family.  knowing my parents and sisters were standing over me.  feeling Shawn standing there, feeling God’s peace.  “Oh dear,” I said my mind not worried, my heart so sad for these dear ones standing over me watching this, witnessing this, knowing how very sad they were, knowing that my kids would be okay. complete peace.  still so grateful that God spared my life, that God brought me to the exact right doctor in that moment, that God guided and directed the emergency room that night, for the nurse that held my hand for the tests because I didn’t want to be alone.  being asked what I wanted as my end of life planning, “I don’t want to die.”  I will never forget.  I don’t want to.  I am grateful and the experience is added to my perspective.
apples	I crave them but am scared of them.  I look forward to enjoying apples again with all their crunchy yummy juiciness.  especially pink lady and honeycrisp varieties. never red delicious or golden delicious.
water	gives me indigestion
back deck	we have a walk-out backyard.  Shawn and I have spent so many hours sitting on that back deck, me wrapped in blankets, some days it is all I can do to step over that ½ inch sill to get outside, I love that time with him, side by side on the deck, like little old people, we have aged in spirit a little but we have also grown in depth of relationship.
backyard	watching the kids play hockey or basketball or make forts or jump on the trampoline, or plant in the dirt, or pull each other like draft horses on a contraption of rope and tobaggan through the grass: priceless.  and our yard is little, think of all the fun a patch of grass can be!
computer time	the kids have had too much.  can’t wait to be more present here and get the electronic babysitters ‘off duty’.
veggies	I miss raw veggies. salad has made me pukey and raw veggies make me choke.  so counter-intuitive to eat less veggies when you know that chemo has stripped your body to depleted.  knowing God is bigger and there will be a time for renewal when chemo is done.
wandering	I miss wandering the mall with a friend, or popping in and out of shops just for the social and the fun and the inspiration of seeing all the pretty things.
eating	food is a fickle friend, necessary for sustenance, takes energy to make it, takes mental energy to eat it when you just don’t feel like it or if you are queasy or if you know it will make you sick.  I feel like I have lost social graces around eating.  getting to the table, shoveling food in my mouth like an animal at the trough, hard to keep up with the busy and conversation around the table, just want to crawl back to the couch.
conversation	feeling like I have thoughts to contribute but it’s so much energy to make my mouth move, to get the thoughts out, to contribute, feel like a conversational dud.  like to listen to people, to the kids, to hear their stories, hard to focus, everything looks grey and sounds muffled and is received on a soft-squishy thinker.  I want to listen stronger, think clearer, process faster, contribute smarter.
takethemameal	this website, my friend Diane for coordinating it: a gift.  I really don’t know how we would have managed without the hundreds of meals that have been delivered by friends and acquaintances and kind strangers.  blessings to you all.  honestly, I have been so weak, so scattered, so unable, so grumpy-that-i-can’t-feed-my-family.  was hard to get accustomed to the help but I was grateful every single time.  Shawn was grateful for the help, he has worked full time through this all and getting home to dinner already thought up and served: a huge gift.  thank you so much.  deeply.
toilet paper	best random gift at the door.
veggie tray	or fruit tray.  also amazing gift delivered to the door.  what we didn’t eat for dinner became quick fixings when daddy made school lunches.
two boxes	two huge boxes of serving bowls and bakeware and serving dishes that have accumulated from all the meals that came.  it makes me smile.
meal sharing	loved the nights that mom & dad stayed for dinner, or carl & wiffy stayed for dinner, or I could send a portion of dinner home with dad knowing that mom had been with me all day and dad had just been at the pool watching Miranda for the past hour and a half and now they wouldn’t have to come up with dinner, too.  loved that your meal blessings let me also bless those around me, let me feel like less of a taker-all-the-time.
treats	Keri and Kori texting “want anything” and then it appearing.  I am spoiled.
hospital time	we are so very blessed to have an amazing, new hospital and cancer agency right here in town.
medical staff	we have been incredibly blessed with kind and caring nurses, intelligent and kind doctors, excellent imaging technicians who care beyond just getting the test done.  we have experienced such compassion and kindness and high levels of care across the board.  Abbots fo rd Re gio n a l Ho sp it al has been amazing.  we are so grateful.
blog	not sure how this will continue to progress. keeping an open mind. so grateful to the 84,000+ views we have had.  feels like hugs and care and I know it means prayers.  God has listened to us ask and He has answered. thank you for being such a huge part of this journey.  I look forward to seeing where we go from here.  look forward with not fear but curiousity.  I wish I could hug you each.  I am so grateful.
peace	God freely gives.  I plan to continually cultivate asking and receiving that peace as my first action.
reading	I miss books.  because my eyes have been blurry I haven’t read at all in these past months.  that’s okay.  but I do miss reading.  I love having the kids read to me, though.  having a six years old reading to me: priceless.  I am enjoying The V o i c e Bible translation quite a lot these past two weeks, little snippets here and there, I like the format and for cross-referencing The Bible or Jesus Ca l l ing.
hope	God’s hope is an anchor.  I plan to continually cultivate an attitude of hopeful expectation.  God is bigger.  I love that.
kids	I love my kids.  I look forward to us jumping in the car and getting out for ice cream or for a treat this summer.  I missed that the most.  being home so much, laying on the couch, weak but using my last ounce of energy for a smile or a hug to them: priceless.