The miracle of music

A certain song, or a song sung a certain way, can be such a mood changer. Tonight I am blessed to have received two incredibly special recordings by two incredibly special people... and peace and love and smiles were the miracle that accompanied these acts of kindness.  I encourage you to share in the comments the link to a song that you find particularly moving... or something that makes you happy or laugh or mellow or peaceful or sure or whatever.  With friends from all over the world I bet there will be some new and interesting songs we hear!!!  May we connect and share and bless each other in some way each day.

I have a boatload of songs on my playlists, here are a few that spring to mind tonight...as you can see, my taste is all over the place, I will spare you the Top 40 and rap that I enjoy.  Oooh, was watching Top 100 "1Hit Wnders" tonight and what a fun walk down memory lane that was!  Anyway, here are a few links for you, remember to share your in the comment section!

This song gets me moving, feeling empowered, lifts me up in a strut-your-stuff sort of way that I love:  Kelly Clarkson: Catch My Breath

This song calms me, this is my 'go to' song for hard moments:  Aaron Schust: For God So Loved The World

This song makes me feel especially romantic and lusty for my husband [wink]: Lady Antebellum: Need You Now

This song gets me pumped and ready to start the day... hmmm, as mornings are a fairly slow-moving thing these days, perhaps I need to get this one set as my alarm...who can resist: Hillsong Kids: This is the day

Sleepy and Dopey and Coughs

What a weird week it has been. My port is much better these eight days after insertion. For some reason the port, which is on the cancer shoulder side, has exacerbated the droning pain that the radiation had finally taken away but it is not nearly as bad... Sort of a dull burning. My lungs are worse these days, I would greatly appreciate prayers for healing and good breathing and calming of the coughing. When I wake and sit up it is about an hour of coughing and clearing my lungs. The coughing is actually to a full gag that panics me that I might actually throw up. So grateful that its only two or three big gags before that settles down. It's just strange. I am sleeping 11 and 12 hours as my "night", trusting my body is using those sleep hours for good!

Tonight I am finding myself very short-tempered. Eek. Not sure what's up, best to keep my mouth shut and myself on the sidelines. Emotions are up and down this week, for the most part I'm okay and not any one big panic or sad or angry or anything... In fact I feel fairly mellow so not sure where the random flows of tears come from. Wondering if I am having some flu shot symptoms with the tired and the achy and such. Who knows. Anything can be cancer or 40 or tired or life.

M is at a sleepover with a BFF and its just me and the menfolk. Friday TV for sure!

Chemo on Tuesday.

Got the call!!!

Chemo: Tuesday, 12:45 for one hour.

I am claiming quick victory that it is only a one hour drip! Chemo can range from 15 minutes to an eight hour day.

Thank you Lord for the miracles of medicine, the work that chemo will do, the healing that you are doing in my body. Thank you for the mental blessing of not waiting anymore for "the chemo call". Thank you that I got to drive today, that it feels kind of "normal" in this moment, that I am so incredibly loved and supported!!!

my new philosophy

"She who sports the port wins."

Seems fair, right?!  I gots to make full use of this situation and get my hubby taking care of himself.  That man puts everyone before himself and I'm sick of it! [wink]

I need a chair

Please pray that I get a chemo spot this week. I am still "the top of the list" but I need to get this started now. For my physical health and mental well-being. Please pray that someone gets gifted tickets to something awesome and shuffles their chemo one day over. Better yet, pray someone a miracle!

Hunkering down

Over the past few days I've noticed an ever increasing shift inwards.  I'm finding it harder to make polite conversation, I'm not replying to emails (gasp!) and I'm even just barely skimming through Faceboook (shock!).  I'm feeling myself getting more and more quiet, becoming smaller in personality, more inside my head.  Not sure how I feel about this... acceptance that this is part of the processing, understanding that my mind and emotions are playing catch-up to all the fear and change and loss of the past 70ish days, being slowed down by the stinging of the port in my neck and the wicked-sore muscles in my sharkbite region.  Afraid of letting this become a habit, the avoiding of life.  Cancer really is quite the head game.  Journalling big, lovely blog posts...and not able to get them onto the computer because the laptop is too heavy, or it's too much effort to turn it on, or... meh.

Very strange.  I still feel vibrant in myself.  I just feel... that everything is a whole lot of effort.  And also, I'm afraid of germs.  Really afraid.  I do not want to get a cold and end up in the hospital and die. 

I'm sure everything will all even out at some point.  I believe it!  ...don't tell me otherwise.

Right now I'm just feeling... adjusting to this new chapter and waiting for chemo and just...feeling like a salmon at the bottom of the waterfall, waiting for the rain upstream to wash down and give direction and pull to make the jump.

Rambling.

Feeling queasy the last two days.  Flu shot maybe?  Not sure.  My sharkbite has been really sore...the muscles and my ribs are all soooooo hurt-y.  And my cancer-y shoulder has been having the achy annoying pain again... I have enjoyed being painfree for about 2 weeks now and celebrating increased mobility each day.  Really feel the need for chiropractor but can't til the port settles.  And did I mention it's stingy?  That's probably stitches healing?  I don't know.  I can feel the tubing.  It's gross.  I will myself to not think about it several times a day to avoid gweebing way out.

Rambling.

Sleeping well at night.  6-8 hours, then coughing and clearing lungs...sometimes to the point of full gag which startles me and then I have to work through the mental image of suffocating to death.  Head games. Then I eat something ... and am super proud of myself for eating something... then make effort to interact with the kids as they wake up... then back to bed for a nap between 8 and 11 depending on the morning.  More head games... bad Kristin for going back to bed, you should shower and start your day, if you didn't lay around all day you wouldn't be so tired...  and the reality of I. am. tired.   Whatever.  It is what it is.

I feel mellow and I'm okay these days emotionally...though I do find myself very easily crying, or tears rolling down my cheeks and catching me off-guard.  Poor little salmon, just catching her breath before she makes the jump up over the waterfall.  [chuckle]

My littlest came down, all squishy and warm from his bed, and climbed up on me for a morning cuddle.  Best 2 minutes of my day already!!!  My kids are such a huge and awesome blessing, wow do I love them hard.

Last night I drove myself over to Keri and Kori's for a visit.  It was scary to drive after two months of not...but I did it.  And if I wasn't so nervous I would have been squealing with delight as I drove away independantly!!!!  FREEDOM!   Was awesome.  And today, I'm tired and happy to have a driver again.  Baby steps, right.  [smile]

Thankful for the dinners coming each night, and the motivation of good manners and a grateful heart that gets me off the couch and over to the door to connect.  I'm a people person and I don't want to lose that...the dinners really are so much more than 'food'... we are so touched that people would take groceries from their pantry, take time out of their day, make the drive over, send baking or bring a special treat or a card... and that minute or three at the door is a precious connection that brightens my day hugely and energizes me and brings smiles. 

Keep connecting with me... I need the extra motivation to not draw too much into myself right now as I figure out balance each day with whatever emotions and pains and worries and hopes and dreams come my way.  You are awesome!!!!

Have a great day!!!!
Kristin

Relaxin'

Good day. Friend stopped by, port is settling in, shoulder pain is back but manageable, even got out to drive and hang w my sisters. Now, watching tv w my hubby. Nice.

Bored and fabulous!

Today was the first day 'back to school' for the kiddos and 'back to work' for Daddy and 'home alone' for Mommy... and I was bored.  I don't like being here alone all day.  I don't actually prefer to be anywhere alone for the day...except maybe I'd try in Paris... not been to Paris yet.  My love language is definitely 'time spent'.  Anyway... what better opportunity to do some fancy nail art.  Santa brought these nail polish STICKERS for Christmas, how super fun and fancy-schmancy is that!!!  So, I got all gussied up...for my afternoon schnooze.  Cuz I'm fancy like that.   I'm sure my Dad appreciated my effort when he came to visit me this afternoon...thanks for moving the furniture for me, Dad!!! Love you Dad.

Please pray for my Mom, she is valiantly fighting a sinus infection.  We are in serious anti-germs mode at my house and I know it is heartbreaking to her to have to be away from me right now.  She is also my chemo buddy (along with Shawn) and so I super need her to get well quick as I am now at the top of the chemo list ... yay... kinda... yes... YAY!!!   Please, pray that she wakes up tomorrow feeling 100% delivered from any sinus or cold or flu symptoms.  Feel better, Mom.  I need you.  No pressure. Thank you.

Snippet

B, 8yrs: why do you have to have cancer?
Me: it just happens. I don't want it either. how do you feel about that?
B: I don't like it. I wish it would go away.
Me: me too.
C 6yrs: that's jut how God made it.
Me: God didn't make it. Remember in the Bible about Adam and Eve in the garden?
C: oh ya
Me: and God said don't eat the fruit from one tree but they did? Then sin came into the world.
C: God doesn't like cancer either.
Me: nope
B: [starts singing Sunday School Christmas pageant songs... his calm thing]

Herman

Last night was really rough.  Someone was idling in the cul de sac at 3am.  I woke up in pretty big discomfort.  Burning and pulling all around the port bandages area.  Not sure if that's the stitches or what.  The tubing is the worst part for sure.  Where it goes into the jugular vein... owee.  And I couldn't lay back, it hurt.  And I was very grumpy.  Bitchy is more accurate.  I was tired, couldn't sleep.  Hungry, nothing appeals or tastes good.  Needed pain meds, they make me gag.  After an hour Shawn finally got me settled and mellowed and meds in and laying down...and then I had to pee.  And then he got me settled again and another car came into the cul de sac.  His goal today: buying me ear plugs.  We live in a quiet cul de sac, but ... life goes on even if this Momma has cancer-worry-insomnia-crappy-night-discomfort issues.  [eye roll]   Really hoping Herman settles in as soon as today.  And... hooray, I get to have a shower tonight!!!

Family Flu Shot Day: Oi Vey!

Today we had "Family Flu Shots" day... oi.  We have not done flu shots before but the chemo nurse advised strongly and so we did.  Let me tell you, when we told the 8yrs and 6yrs...there was some weeping and gnashing of teeth.  Some of that whinging and ki-yi-ying and generally p-o-ed yelling happened the 15 minutes of freeway driving to the drug store that happened to have 5 shots left.  We got there, we bribed with candy, we filled out paperwork for all 5 (Daddy would have to be responsible to find his own flu shot some other time) and we started the process.

Oh. My. Word.

Hell hath no fury like... a 6yrs old pinned down in a never-taken-a-kid-for-shots Daddy's arms... oh my.  And the Mommy, well I'm on strict orders to "not exert yourself" for 48 hours post-port surgery.  I used my empathy, my reflecting, my instructing-Daddy-whilst-trying-to-calm-son, then my full-out Mommy-stern voice... poor, kind pharmacist commented, "I've had lots of upset kids, but this one is the worst" or something like that.  Way to go son, you've set the bar LOUDLY.

Daddy and I got all four kids through their shots, and then...  Mommy totally chickened out.  Like.  Completely.  I just could.not.submit.to.the.shot.  And... praises to God completely as He popped "there is a mist!!!" into my head.  And so I said, "Hey Daddy, why don't you take my shot and I'll take the mist?" and super compassionate Pharmacist, who knew our cancer situation, said, "Let me check the instructions for adults" to make sure it was okay for me or whatever it is they check... and came back with the mist. 

THANK YOU LORD FOR THE MIST!!!!!   It absorbs the minute it hits your nose, so even if you sneezed it out (which I didn't) it is already absorbed.  Um... hello... if you are afraid of needles, splurge and spend the $26 for the mist.  Easy-peasy!

Here is my new motto: if there is an "easiest" or "pain-less" version, I'm doing it.  Why spend extra energy on any thing that will freak me out.  Example, I have given my pharmacist a blanket rule (on my file) to give me the smallest version of any meds... I am having trouble with choking, coughing and gagging on pills especially and some meds are just difficult and so I delay taking them until too late (too much pain or whatever)... hello... as one kind mother-of-a-cancer-survivor shared with my sis... if the first thing doesn't work, ask for something else because there ARE options and don't waste energy where you don't need to.  Best advice, thank you... I feel released to not have to be tough in the area of meds and medicine.  Work smarter, not harder, right!?!! Right!

And so, we are all flu-fortified and they all enjoyed their fancy ice cream treat at the place that mixes gummy bears into cotton candy ice cream, I ate half a sandwich at the Tim Hrtons, and now we are resting.  I am not eating much.  Food is not appealing.  Shawn is becoming a nag.  I'm good with sipping things through a straw so warmed water and those yogurt drinks or smoothies are always a good option.

Herman (what I've named my port, in case you missed yesterday) is settling in but his long creepy rubber tubing tail is definitely an aggravation in my jugular vein if I move my neck, swallow, lift my chin or... stupid Kristin... bump the entire area of bandages.  Why the heck do I keep bumping that stupid area??!  Cuz I didn't have on my trusty scarf.  I am a huge fan of wrapping long, light, super wide scarves around my neck... I'm actually known among my friends for having quite the scarf collection.  LOL.  ANYWAY,  today I went without because I wanted to kids to SEE the bandages and REMEMBER not to hug aggressively or flop down next to me...and then I kept bumping my own owie.  Doh!  So... on went the safety scarf and I haven't bumped into myself in the last hour.  Yes... I'm a braniac.  That's me. 

Did you know that if you muck about and fiddle with the port it could flip upside down (hard plastic side up) and then it can't be used (cuz the squishy peirce-able... [shudder] side is not just under the skin).   Um... not touching that thing... it is sore.  Not unbearable but definitely still adjusting.  Apparently my body is growing tissue around it (which could make a Kristin FREAK about the one-day eventual removal of said port... but .... rainbows, unicorns, grape popsicles... squirrel... not thinking about that).... anyway.   Port is okay.  Tube thingy that goes up towards my shoulder and then around into my artery at the jugular and down towards my heart is hurty annoying but not killer painful.

And that's the update for tonight.

Love you, my BlogFriends.  I really do.  I appreciate you, your comments, your kindnesses, your prayers and your thoughts.   Thank you.
Kristin

Port: inserted

This was me about 10 minutes after waking up from my port insertion.  So glad it was over, so incredibly grateful that I slept through the procedure.  God is good, really really good, all the time!

I woke at 4am this morning (toilet) and then there were so many vehicles coming and going and running their engines to warm up from that point til about 7am that I could not sleep.  And my back was sore, and my nerves were a little high though not unwieldy.  And I finally fell asleep at about 8am and was awakened at 9am and then layed in bed watching tv til 10am because I just did not want to start this day.  Finally got motivated, got the kids motivated, got Shawn motivated and everyone into the van.  Got to Mom and Dad's to drop kids for the day, couldn't even make eye contact, the sheer effort to get myself willingly to the appointment was all I could do.  It seems silly to you maybe, but this is my process and there is definitely a pattern as I sort through emotions and realities of parenthood and logistics of four kids and a husband and the feelings of confusion, shock that this is really happening, knowing that I believe the port is the right choice and wondering why I'm so freaked about it, wondering if I will wake up claustrophobic with this thing permanently in me and beyond my control for months or even years.  All just too much.  I shut everything out.  It may look like I am in denial, I am not, I am filtering and processing in small chunks because all at once would send me to the heavy drugs and the psychiatric ward, I honestly couldn't handle it all in one swoop.

Got to the hospital a little early, tears flowing down my face, why did I bother trying to look less pathetic by adding mascara?  Shawn prayed.  Tears flowing down my face, my husband pleading to our Lord on my behalf, on our behalf, for our kids and our extended family and friends.

Got signed in, got sent over to Intervention Radiology.  Nurse met us at the door.  Me in a quiet voice, "I'm freaking out".  Her, "You're freaking out?  We'll take it nice and slow."  Got into the blue gown, once again.  Climbed into the bed, resisting the warm blanket because I wasn't ready to submit to the process yet.  Nurse came over to take my info, "Has anyone explained to you about the procedure?"  Me so quiet, "No, no one has told me anything, I don't know what's going on.  I am freaking out."

She will explain it, she will tell me what is happening, she explains that the port is a good thing and I will be so glad for it, that every nurse agrees they would have it, "but I've never had one..." that's always the qualifier than loses her a few points in my book.  "The last five people I spoke to said it was horrible... " I said with tears streaming as the doctor came to assess.  "Don't listen to hear-say, we have patients who don't even feel a thing...the worst part is the pinch of anesthetic...only as bad as the dentist..."  My thought, "It never hurts at my dentist..." and the doctor drops a point or two but I appreciate his effort.  Young guy, very nice, very patient to hear my concerns and explain the procedure.  And then we wait.  Two hours behind because of an emergency procedure.  I was praying for whoever that was.

Nice nurse turns the lights down, closes my curtains, brings more warm blankets and tells me to fall asleep.  Me, "I don't want to sleep yet, I want to sleep on the table..."  Her, "you will."

And then there is a bag of antibiotics added to my IV and the guy comes to wheel me out to the surgery room.  Kisses to Shawn, calm to me... nurses join us and start setting up the sterile stuff.  My nurse is here with meds, she explains that they will make me sleepy, dopey and happy... "Snow White is here," she says.  "I just want to sleep through it, that's my only goal for the day." Tears start, I can feel a big cry pushing to break forth, my nurse comes and tells me that she sees how strong I am, that I can do this, my mind reaches out to God's peace, I am able to reel in the emotions, still my body so as not to upset the work being done.  They create a tent, scary with a hole at my neck, she gives me a little tiny bit of Snow White to help me calm... the doctor enters, and I fall asleep.  I didn't feel even the pinching, burning of the freezing.  I woke up almost 2 hours later.  This photo was taken around 4pm... we left the hospital fifteen minutes later.

My neck feels tight and my upper chest where they punctured the juggler and also where they inserted the port.  At first I couldn't sit upright, happily it was just the bandage taped in a way that pulled.  Tonight I am feeling a little sore, not unbearable, definitely exhausted.  I am so grateful for your prayers.  I am so very incredibly thankful that God granted me sleep through the procedure.  I have named my port Herman.  The name came to me in the quiet hour before my surgery.  Seems like an invited guest rather than a threat.  The nurses thought that was funny and called it Herman during set up.   I really had a calm about me all morning.  I felt all my feelings, I processed through the information and where I was with it all.  The nurse commented to me three separate times that I seem like a strong woman, that she can see me processing things which is so excellent and so many people never get around to that part.  I appreciated her kind words, not taking away from my need to cry, but supporting that tears are part of the process and validating this huge thing that is cancer.   A hard day, but a good day.  So many silver linings that were just the air around us.

Port procedure

My 12:00 is delayed. IV in and waiting another hour. I'm ok. Tired but want to sleep on table so keeping eyes open. Nerves are managed in this moment.

nerves

sigh

Sitting here on the eve of another big dose of reality.  Not loving it.  Reality, in this case, bites.

I don't want the port.  Is it too late to change my mind?  Fear is irrational.  But it's fear.  And mostly I'm just grossed out about the whole thing.  Praying really hard that it's not as gross as I think it is going to be.  Can't believe what a total wuss I am being about something so minor.  I wasn't nearly as freaked out about my kidney surgery.  Maybe that's why I'm so freaked about this.  I don't want to be cut again.  I don't want another scar, or two.  I wasn't at all prepared for how hard post-op and recovery would be.  How could I be, everything happened so quickly and I'd never had surgery before.  When I go for procedures I tend to dissociate.  The room is like a sphere, round and gooey like a fish egg.  There is no noise, no air moving, no focus.  I put everything I can into focusing on the words of the hospital staff before me.  I am disconnected from my body, just me...just a face with words and thoughts.  I see my hands in my lap, fidgeting and wringing, I see my feet and the heavy shoes so far away.  Shawn is near but hard to see.  I am alone in the moment.  Somewhere in my heart I know that God is there but the responsibility to act on my behalf is fully on me...and I'm just working hard to not bolt running from the room.  Not scared, just not wanting to be there.  It's an impossible moment made possible because it just is what it is and it just has to be.

Tonight I have ...nervous energy.  Can't focus.  Mind keeps wandering and I just don't know what to do with myself.  I'm not scared.  Just...  not sure how I would define what I feel.

So tonight I will continue to ask for God to let His peace fall over me like flakes of snow fluttering down and blanketing everything with quiet.  I will pray that God is preparing the medical team for me with wisdom and excellence, that He will blanket the OR with peace and success and wisdom and discernment and quick and easy surgery and recovery.  And I just keep praying.  What else can I do.

sigh. shrug.  one more step to cancer-free.  that's good. sad face

Thankful

 Thankful for...

... friends who sat with me on the dark days after my diagnosis, who have sat with me since, who are texting and checking in, who leave meals in my freezer, who have cleaned my house even though I grumbled and insisted they shouldn't, who have prayed and petitioned on my behalf before God, who have connected with my husband to see if he needs any extra help, who have chauffeured me and carried my purse and coat cuz I can't, who have taken my kids under wing when I could not.  I could not imagine how much this journey would be less bearable if it weren't for all this constant kindness and tangible reminding of how much I am valued and loved and cared for.  Such a priceless gift.  My heart is bursting with love and gratefulness to each of you.  Thank you.  I am so just proud of how awesome you are... and so very proud of myself for having picked such an incredible and stellar group of friends over all these years.  So very glad God brought us together, looking forward to the laughs and silliness and shopping and giggles and food and fun and milestones that our friendship will keep bringing.

... meals in my freezer or delivered to my door, by item or by gift card... it is astounding to me that I can still not stand long enough to make a meal on my own.  Without the generosity and planning of so very many wonderful people my kids would have spent the last 62 dinners eating Cheerios and toast.  I had no idea how big an impact one meal could have.  I am honestly just blown away by the many, many meals that have been provided for us and I am so very grateful.  Shawn is also so very grateful because the last thing the poor guy wants to be doing is figuring out dinner while I am past out sleeping and the kids are clammering for his attention when he walks in the door at 6pm.  Thank you... so many of you drive clear across town... I am just humbled by your thoughtfulness.

... prayers of family and friends and strangers alike.  I covet the prayers, I am shored up by them, supported, hugged, cared for, encouraged, strengthened.  I am greedy for your prayers, please don't stop.  God is listening, He is answering.  The peace I have had these last weeks passes all understanding...that's God, that's Him answering your many prayers.  I am so grateful.

To each of you who have loved on me in any way... you may think 'oh, it's just a little thing' but to me, it is huge.  Thank you.

Patience

Today I am waiting for 'the phone call'... still on that cancellation list to start my chemo.  Still hoping that the booking clerks, in all their juggling amazingness, will find a way to squeeze me in with the 150 other patients that got bumped due to the stat holidays over Christmas and New Year.  I wasn't bumped, but because they were I am still waiting.  And that's okay. Did you know that every day there are 50 patients that go through the chemo room?  FIFTY!!!  And, likely, many of those dear ones have to drive a really long distance, no matter how sick or icky they feel, to get to their medicine.  I am so very grateful to live in a town with such a huge cancer center.  So thankful!

Each day that I wait to start chemo I am more recovered from my surgery and radiation.  That's how I'm looking at it... but I do jump every time the phone rings, scrambling to get to the call display before the kids do, hoping and fretting at once, wondering when the chemo room will call.

Practicing my patience... I am not a very patient patient.  [eye roll]  I do feel that my strength is renewing, every-so-slowly, each day I do feel closer to recovered than I did 7 weeks ago!!! [wink]

Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. 

New King James version 

Some of my family members are even less patient patients than I am... pray peace for them as they wait for this show to 'get on the road', too!  I've said it before, I'll say it again... cancer came to our entire family on October 29th.  That's a lot of people whose years have been hijacked in some way or another.  I really struggle with feeling bad about that... not guilt so much, there is no way I even remotely 'did this'... but... it's just a lot of lives thrown off kilter.  Alternately, it's a lot of lives included on the adventure in God's greatness, right?!?!  RIGHT!  

I told son4 about the port and explained chemo to him... when I told him about the port he made a vomit-y face... that cracked me up!  Thanks kid, I feel a little that way myself, too!  Kids are good medicine!

New year.

A new year.  New. year.

The hiatus of last week has turned to the reality of what this new year will bring. 

My hope, my dream, my resolve, my pleading request... to be cancer free.  I don't want to be palliative.  I want to be curative.  When you come to the BC Cancer Agency you are either/or... curative meaning they can take out the cancer and you're fixed, palliative meaning we can't quick-cure you but our goal is quality of life including remission.  Remission is great and all, I want to be cured.

Woke up with cancer on my mind, weighing down my spirit. 01-01-13  Stood in the shower sobbing, no tears could break forth and give me that emotional cleanse that I needed.  A trend, crying in the shower.  I guess it's the alone with my thoughts, no kids or noises or interruptions.  Alone with my scars, alone with the smooth and beautiful skin that will soon be stabbed and threaded and scarred by a port.  Trying to make peace with the port.

The year feels hijacked.  I'm not overly emotional about it...it feels healthy-emotional, trying more so to wrap my head around it.  At least a piece of it.  Not sure whether I am to make peace with my captor ...I guess that's what remission will look like.  Or do I fight, even to the death.  I don't want to do that... what if I lose. 

My kids are upstairs wrestling on my bed.  It's the squeals and giggles one millisecond before someone gets hurt.  There's Daddy, separating the herd, one millisecond soon enough. 

Feeling really tired today.  January 1.  My resolution is to purpose more fun into our lives.  Like, stupid fun.  Like, I want to be the mom who puts silly toothpicks in her kids' sandwiches for school.  Jokes and notes and silliness.  And celebrating.  Not big and lavish but purposeful.  I was already feeling this desire before cancer came, now it is my one resolution for this new year.  Today that seems like an achievable resolution.  Anything else just pales in comparison to 'this is the year I need to beat cancer out of me... and submit to the medicine that can beat it out of me...and rest up and recover from work of getting cancer out of me'. 

Depressing post.  May you be insulated against my sad-overwhelm-ed-thinking-ness.  Being real.  Need you to keep praying.  I really rely on the knowledge that you are praying.  God hears.  God was heartbroken and crying right with me when I showered.  He loves me, He is sad when I am sad.  I am so glad to know this awesome God.  I want you to know Him, too. 

We are headed to my parents to play games and just hang out.  I'm exhausted.  I am motivated by the reality that chemo means I will be more susceptible to germs and will have to learn to be okay with missing stuff these next months.  I'm not missing out on seeing everyone today.

It is, indeed a HAPPY NEW YEAR... the year is still 365 days of potential and adventure and hopes and dreams and learnings and growings and laughter and joy and silly antics of my kids and love to be given and received.   I am anticipating chemo to start within the next three days.  My port insertion is Friday, I am silently freqked out about that...silent in that I feel peace, but I am so grossed out and aprehensive and claustrophobic and afraid they will have to dig around and I will be awake-ish and then it will be in me for a long time and and and.  The chemo is medicine, medicine is good, I will take my medicine because it will work.  I accept the fatigue ...as much as a girl can accept something she hasn't experienced yet... I trust the expensive anti-nausea meds will work.  I will relish the week 3/no chemo week.

Just feeling a heaviness today.  It's a new year and that is awesome... just hard to know that I'm going to have to be of courage and be brave and do hard things for a while yet.  I'd rather be doing other stuff. [weak smile]

May YOUR year be awesome!  May MY year be awesome!  May our families and friends have years full of joy and laughter, peace and love, adventure and smiles... I want that for all of us because a good time for all is just a good time for all of us!!! [big smile]

HAPPY NEW YEAR... welcome 2013... we look forward to your many silver linings and God's many blessings that He already has planned for us!!!
Kristin

Thank you, 2012, you have brought so much

Thank you, 2012!!! You brought us so many amazing and precious moments at Disneyland, in Drumheller and then Calgary, in Quebec, at the campsite, in our home, with our family and with friends! We are blessed beyond measure and so grateful!!!

Tonight we are making our own party... seafood pasta, bbq ribs, sparkling cider (thanks to all who contributed to our celebration meal!), the kids set the table with great-Nana's fancy china, wine glasses, fancily-folded napkins, candles lit...and I fell asleep just as the kids were coming down in button-down shirts and all dressed up.  I missed it... to be woken by a kiss as Daddy took the kids out to skate.  This is the current reality, being happy when my kids are happy and trying hard not to pout when I miss things.  Silver lining...the arena was closed so Daddy phoned, I quick-ate some food and they picked me up for a plan-change and headed to the castle of fun (the local arcade)!  Turned out to be a great evening and then we stopped for a New Year's Eve hug at my parents and McFlurry's treats from McDonalds.  Nice!  Now it's jammies and hoping the littles will fall asleep on the couch as the rest of us stay up (I'm trying hard) to watch the ball drop and do our annual yell-and-scream ringing in the New Year on the front porch!!!

Christmas has been very lovely, I declared it (to myself) a cancer-free week and it was awesome!  No calls from the hospital or cancer agency, no appointments, no deep discussions about anything.  It was fabulous.  

Christmas Eve day... was harsh.  Wow.  My emotions were in over-drive, I felt so much pressure to keep Christmas cancer-free and just fun and normal... not just for the kids and my family but for ME!  What if next year I'm too sick?  What if next year I'm still fighting this and ... or... what if?....  it's a lot of work to keep those "what ifs" at bay and Christmas Eve day was the morning the dam was trying hardest to break.  I mean, come on, December 24th is already a last-minute-panic day...add this current mess and wowza.  Had a good freak-out on the phone (thanks Mom for letting me vent my ugly-Kristin fears and panics) and the day went on.  

Christmas Eve... was lovely at Shawn's parents' house.  We had a newly engaged couple shining their joy and light on the festivities, we had four super-excited kids, we had two super proud grandparents, and we had my hubby and I just soaking it all in.  What a normal and awesome Christmas Eve.  Thanks Mom and Dad E for making Christmas magical!!!

Christmas Day Morning... I was the first one up, as is typical around here...I'm such a kid-at-Christmas still!  At 7am I got the fire going (yay flip-of-switch) and the tree lit and then just waited... fortunately for only a few more minutes until the little boys came down.  What magic to watch the eyes of a child light up at the gifts under the tree, the full stockings, the bite out of a cookie, the emptied glass of milk.  Oh but my heart just fills with the memory of that.  Next came oldest, then girlie and then Mommy sent kidlets up to get Daddy out of bed!  Come on Daddy... it's CHRISTMAS!!!!    We had our typical leisurely Christmas morning.  This year even youngest got to shop at the Christmas Store at school (gifts for 10cents, everything comes home wrapped by volunteer parents) and Mommy had a good happy-cry when youngest presented his gift to oldest...a special "book about biking" (an autobiography of Lance Armstrong) for his big brother and the family biking-fiend.   Each child's gift to his sibling was just absolutely thoughtful and perfect and should a true understanding of what the recipient would really appreciate.  Seriously, the only time I cried over Christmas was at the pride this Momma felt at the seeing the gifts given by my kids.  Oh my... so proud of the humans I live with.

Christmas Day... lunch at Mom's ... this was the one I was most figuring-I-would-cry at.  My Dad has the hugest heart, my Mom has the most generous spirit, my sisters are so hurting over this current situation, my brother-in-laws have just been amazing... seeing my nieces and nephews and seeing a new kind of love in their eyes for me... [melt]... it's a lot for this girl.  Christmas Day at my parents was... lovely.  Just so nice and so easy and so just lovely.  Started to lose it when Dad prayed and started to lose it... but we all regained and the day was ... a normal, lovely Christmas.  So grateful.  We had fun watching the kids open their gifts, the food was amazing, the adults exchanged stocking gifts (so fun!) and the evening just unfolded lovely-ly.

Boxing Day ... dinner at Auntie and Uncles... normal, nice, traditions, relaxed.  Another great Christmas.  We are so blessed to have so much family around and gathering together still.  I never get tired of it, I could eat turkey ten days in a row, I love the hustle and bustle and the busy.  It just shores me up and makes me happy. 

Happy New Year to you!  Praying peace and love and joy and health and kindness and good things to you and for you and for your dear ones for 2013!!!!   Thank you for your continued prayers and support... I think of your prayers in random moments (good or rough) through the days and it just makes me feel so ... hugged... to know you are out there praying and holding us up.   Thank you.  So much, thank you!!!!!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Sunday sermon from Pastor Chris:

Learn from yesterday,

Hope for tomorrow,

Live in the present.

Sunday sunshine

Hubby's got us out walking!

My Sisters

Some of you may know these lovely sisters of mine? To those who don't... Yes, they are twins. Yes, they show up in identical outfits a lot. No, you should not let them be a team at any mind-reading type games (Pictionary) unless they are on YOUR team (cuz then you will win... It's like they have telepathy or something!). Yes, they have been an incredible support through this hard journey and yes, I am so incredibly blessed by them both... In their own ways, not just as a set... And yes, they often have to sit back-to-back to open gifts even still!
Love you Kori and Keri!!!
From your older, and wiser (by 18months but it totally counts), 'not-the-twin' big sis

Savoring

Taking some cancer-free days. Not thinking or talking about it. Just enjoying my family around.

Merry Christmas, from our house to yours

Thank you.

Alvin & The Chipmunks: Christmas Don't Be Late (video):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrBMEZHTWsQ

When my sisters and I were kids the cartoon characters of Alvin and the Chipmunks had an awesome Christmas movie that I looked forward to every year.  We might even have had the record copy of the movie, I'm not sure.  I just know that it was funny, and Alvin was sneaky and always in trouble but his heart was in the right place.  In the Christmas movie Alvin gives his brand new 'golden harmonica' to a sick little boy...and then needs that harmonica for a special Christmas concert he is to play in at Carnegie Hall.  Of course Alvin now has to scramble (including dressing up as Santa to sell photos) to earn some money to buy a new 'golden harmonica' before his Dad, Dave, finds out!  Ah, the silly fun and antics of those little chipmunks living in a big human world... loved it!  The touching moment of the movie is that the little boy, Timmy, is so sick that he might die... but then the genersouity of Alvin's gift warms the little boys heart and buoys his spirit to the point of full recovery and even playing a duet at Carnegie Hall with Alvin! The way Alvin receives his replacement harmonica is due to the kindness of a stranger (who looks a lot like Mrs. Claus, if you ask me!).  Timmy is recovered, Alvin plays Carnegie Hall and doesn't get in trouble... It's a Christmas miracle!!!  Ahhh, warms the heart just remembering all the love and kindnesses packed into that one little movie, and Timmy's recovery gets me choked up every time.

For the last many weeks I have wanted to post a thank you... but my heart has just been too overwhelmed by kindnesses to get the words out.  I lay in bed (at my usual 4am awake time...today it's 5am so that's better!) and in my mind write blog posts to you as a group, note cards to you individually, and I make phone calls (even though I have no idea who many of you are...in my mind I use my super librarian researching skills and somehow get my gratitude to you!).

To every one of you who has sent love, who has been praying (either once or without ceasing and every quantity of prayer in between), who has sent meals or gift cards, who has sent mail by post or be email or by Facebook message or by word-of-mouth through my extended family... to the lady who stopped by my table at the foodcourt yesterday when I was at the mall with my sisters to tell us that you were praying for me... wow.  wow.  wow.  Happy tears are welling up.

I am just so very deeply touched.  I cannot fully fathom how much love your actions and thoughts would all add up to.  Love for me.  For my family.  For peace and for healing and for victory over this cancer and the fears.  Each one of you, whether you let me know it or not...I feel your love, I know you are praying, my heart holds that love and those prayers lift me up, dance around me... I feel God's faithfulness in answering your prayers... I am just so incredibly grateful.  I wonder even if my gratefulness will ever be deep enough to cover the magnitude of love I know you all are sending?  I am humbled.  Your kindnesses are a 'golden harmonica' blessing to me, my husband, our four children, my sisters, my parents, my in-laws, my brother-in-law and his fiance, our closest friends, the other readers of this blog and my Facebook wall, the prayer chains praying, the readers from as far from Canada as Iraq and Guatemala and Finland and Mexico and Japan and Luxembourg... connected.

We are connected by the kindnesses and love and prayers that we share.  I am just so good-overwhelmed that you are sharing so much of that with me.  I truly value it as the best medicine.  I truly am greedy that you don't stop.  I am just happily-mind-boggled and bamboozled...gobsmacked, even...that you have all come around me to share the burden of this cancer diagnosis.  I pray that God will bless you, that He will keep you, that He will bring you extra measures of His perfect Joy this holiday season and throughout the year.  I am a hugger... I love to hug.  This shoulder pain and mobility issue has made hugging a difficulty over the past few months but I have adjusted to being a pretty good one-arm hugger...

I am sending you each my very best hug... my heart swelling with gratitude, my mind just happily unable to grasp the grandness of your love towards me.  Thank you.

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.
Sincerely, and Merry Christmas!!!
Kristin

Brain won't rest

Didn't sleep well last night. Neither did Shawn. I was in discomfort at my sharkbite and back and coughing a lot. Exhausted today.

My port insertion will be January 4th.

Every time I close my eyes I see a scalpel cutting into me. Cutting my skin open to shove a thing under my skin so the chemo nurse can poke through it for the medicine that will hopefully evaporate my cancer.

I can't close my eyes. I get so scared of that scalpel.

My academic brain knows that my emotional brain is just overwhelmed. But I am scared to close my eyes.

Best not to be alone to think too much today. So much info from the chemo teach and I am too not-rested to let my mind wander through and process.

Shawn took the kids to their school Santa Breakfast, we didn't think I should be with all the people and germs and commotion. Anonymous crowds are okay. Seeing people for the first time since cancer diagnosis is really hard and must be managed in smaller batches.

Hope today finds you smiling and laughing with the joys of the season... I'm going to do that, too!!! I choose joy.

Kristin

Chemo Teach (workshop...boot camp...class)

Today is Chemo Teach day. 9am. These things are always so early. Mornings are difficult for me. I was awake at 6am after a good 7hr sleep... but by 10am will be ready for a nap. The Chemo Teach is 2-3 hours. That's a long time to walk around and listen and learn and be overwhelmed with a whole lot of information and reality. And it's a group thing... which means rebuffing the emotions and fears that may be in the air around every single person in the group.

I stood in the shower this morning, my mind wandered to sitting in the waiting room, touring, how that's going to physically feel (I'm still not walking great distances) especially since I am going in feeling exhausted...and I started bawling, no tears, no sound. Just this big huge cry that couldn't get out. So grateful for the recharge that is my kids' giggles, listening to them sing Christmas songs, hearing them obeying Daddy's requests. Gotta keep filling my love and joy reserves. Yesterday was a big day. It takes a solid day or two for my brain to process.

When I sit in these meetings my ears receive the information but my brain is pretty numb. I feel... hot and warm and cold all at once. And I feel like a punch to the gut and lightheaded. And it is like being in a vaccuum...still, silent. alone. I am aware of my husband in the room, and/or my mom. But I cannot bare to look at them. It is too much. Eye contact overwhelms and tears are usually just there. For them. For me. For this whole mess of a situation. And God is there. I feel peace. I feel all of these things and I feel peace. And in the middle of the feeling nothing-and-everything I feel peace. God is good. It is mentally weird to wrap my head around...the afraid and at peace at the same time. I don't question it, I just am aware that it is God and know that I wouldn't want to do this, maybe couldn't do this, without His peace.

Shawn and Mom are coming with me. These are my primary caregivers, it's good for them to be able to hear the information, understand, know, explain to me later as needed... know how to prepare themselves for the task ahead. I can't even think on it. Overwhelms. The level of love and care... mind-blowing.

Feeling so many things. Too much today. Waiting for my port appointment... I'm scared about that. It sounds gross and icky and I worry about being claustrophobic about having that thing in me for the next months... year?!?! How long? Please pray that I am totally not-freaked about the catheter procedure, the process, the thing in my skin just near my shoulder... hopefully the left side?! I have no idea. Pretty much the Cancer Agency phones, or the Hospital phones, and you say yes, I'll be there. I go when they ask. I am fortunate to have an open schedule and a ready fleet of drivers (parents, sisters, in-laws, friends) that I can go wherever, whenever... take the first available appointments, anywhere within the lower mainland. Just go. I feel panic every time the phone rings. The hospital/cancer agency phone number comes through a lot. A really lot. I am so grateful for getting to appointments fast, getting such a quick access to medical intervention and God's healing...but it is a shock every time.

Still haven't wrapped my head around this. I have cancer. Wow. That is the strangest normal thing. It happens. I'm not so special as to be immune from it. Still, very surreal... as is probably any life-threatening, life-altering situation that drops into your day/life/plan/existence. I don't spend a lot of time thinking. I spend a lot of time just cultivating being at peace. Sometimes that means praying, reading the Bible, reading Jesus Calling (book you should definitely get!!!), sitting still and knowing that God is fighting for me, that He loves me, that He is in control. He's got this.

Feeling testy. Feeling tired. Feeling sharp and prickly and nervous and trying hard to shore up against all the movement and talking and faces and noises and memories and emotions that build during the drive to the hospital.

The kids are testy today. That doesn't help me. They are ready for the school Christmas holiday. Son3 is whining (sounds like moo-ing) over his meds this morning. Son4 is listening poorly. Daughter is on the edge of emotional explosion. We are all ... not sure what.

Please, pray peace, pray rest, pray joy, pray thankful hearts and good attitudes for us all. Pray that we will be gracious with one another (my family and yours) and that the Joy of Christmas will permeate each of our days.

With love.
Kristin

Chemo Doctor

Chemo doctor today: "this kind of cancer responds well to chemo" and "highly unlikely that it is genetically inherited" and "prescription that could take away nausea fully" and "week 1: chemo, week 2: chemo, week 3, off... For up to 6cycles (5months)". Also, hair loss is not a gaurantee, thinning maybe... so bald or not... Could go either way. Feeling positive. She was lovely.

I feel... light. My heart feels... this is do-able. It might be hard, but we can do hard things. I went in feeling peace and nervous. I came home feeling positive and hopeful and good and empowered. God is good, all the time.

I am waiting to hear when I will go for day surgery to have a port-o-cath (long-term IV site) put in. Then I will be ready to start chemo. Given holidays (cancer agency closes for stats ad Saturday's) I am also waiting to hear my chemo start date, I will start within the next two weeks.

And another silver lining... super happy to report that I am up 2lbs!!!! (I lost 20+ over the summer from lack of appetite due to the ibuprofen for my shoulder, lost another 20 since surgery). The nurse laughed, "I've never seen a woman happy to gain weight before!". In his culture (Iraq) a more robust figure is desired... I think he was tickled (happy) to see my happiness.

Thank you for your prayers... Let the happy dancing commence!!!!!

Curious not fearful!?

Today we meet w the oncologist to find out the chemo plan. I am scared and not scared. Nervous and calm. Curious and afraid of side effects. For the most part I feel quiet today. And teary. I keep breaking into tears the last three days. PMS? Wouldn't that just be a freakin' bonus on top of the cramping of stitches and the crazy sore ribs that were banged around during surgery. [eye roll]

Ah well, let us laugh and smile and let ourselves get lost in the joy of Christmas. We woke up to snow and I love it!!!!

Only one week til Christmas!!!

Hooray for the last week of school before Christmas break. I am excited to have my family home and with me. I like it when the kids and the daddy are all in this house with me. I am looking forward, as always, to Christmas morning around the tree. We are slow and leisurely and huggy with lots of oohs and aahs and kids telling kids "oh! That's exactly what you wanted!!!" I love it. And we read the nativity story from Luke 2 and we all have moments of silly and silent and excited and it is home. I love it.

Today I am home with son4. He was claiming pukey tummy, though I think he just needs a break from the full days of kindergarten. Holidays are late this year and everyone is feeling it. I have a bit of a dizzy headache and weird tummy, praying I am germ free and will feel better as the day progresses!

Wednesday we meet with the chemo doctor to find out the plan. Please pray that God will lead her to the right chemo for me right off the bat. Pray wisdom and that when she thinks on me she sees the right path and plan for success and healing and remission!!!

I feel... so many things. I just am still mind-boggled that this is happening. That I will spend the next months in chemicals and cures. That I may lose my hair... bald. That everything is changed, but we are all still the same.

Peace, that seems to me the best thing to ask you to pray for. We are okay right now... but waves of sad or scared keep washing over at random moments. For the most part days are good, just lazing on the couch wishing I could help Shawn carry the burden of caring for me, the kids, the house, everything.

So surreal.

So glad for the birth of Jesus, that we can bask in the joy that is the Saviour's birth. Omnipotent God became a dependent baby... laying on the couch these weeks has given me a new perspective on that.

Blessings to you this Christmas!
Kristin

Saying "NO!" to germs!!!

Lysol disinfectant wipes, masks, hand sanitizer, soap&water, quarrantine, loads and loads of laundry.

Last night son4 came down with 'the pukes'.  Poor guy started throwing up at about 8:00pm and all through the night.  On his bed, on his floor, on his blankets, in the bucket, in the toilet.  The kid is amazing in his efforts to get to the bathroom and we are so sad that he was so ill. 

I was awake in pain but too tired to get up to get meds at 2am.

Son3 was up with bad coughs and stuffy nose and ear ache at 4am.

I finally dragged myself downstairs to take meds at 4:00am and fell fitfully asleep around 5am.

Everyone slept in til 9 and 11 this morning.  Oi.

Please pray extra for us to be germ-free over here.  And pray extra for Shawn as he is now adding Nursing-the-flu and Nursing-an-earache to his list of things to do today.  That man is amazing and I pray stamina and health and all good things for him.

Son4 is asking for food and looking pretty good...ah, the beauty of being 6yrs, you bounce back quick!  Right now he's sipping gingerale "spicey pop" and thinking he's pretty special to have such a treat!

Shawn is going to take Son3 to the doctor for some medicine... Son3 doesn't always cope well at the doctor, so praying Daddy puts on his "what would Kristin do" thinking cap to make a smooth experience for all.  [smile]

Thankful for medicine.  I personally am working on being more willing and more pro-active in taking the meds... it is just such a huge mindgame for me... I just have been so fortunate to not need meds in my life.  I have always been healthy or found herbal remedies (vitamins) to work.  This is a whole new ballgame and tonight I think I'm convinced to take the meds before bedtime because a solid sleep is really the "must do it" thing these days.

Glad for a lazy Saturday.   Son1 has a soccer game tonight at 6pm and tomorrow at 11am...I miss going to his games a lot!  Hoping to make it to Daughter2's swim practice at least once next week... I love watching her swim.  Feeling that I can do "normal"... until I make the effort of putting on pants (and then my sharkbite goes a bit numb and my gut feels heavy) and then I remember "Oh yeah, it's only been 3 weeks post-op and a 9 days after radiation... be patient Kristin.  Be. Patient!!!"   Working on that.  Oi.  Such a game changer this has been.  I'm very used to go, go, go-ing in my days.  Coffee dates with girlfriends, running errands, doing my homework, house stuff, playing with the kids... life stuff.  Now... I'm stopped in my tracks with but one task: rest to heal.  It's strange. 

As my sister pointed out... I hate to miss anything!  

I hope that you are taking time to enjoy the Christmas season.  I know it's busy.  I know it's "one more thing" and the to do list is long.  But... stop in the middle of all the busy and acknowledge that the busy is kinda fun!  Something different in the year.  And we are building up to Jesus' birthday... Christmas Day.

Love this quote: "Don't think too much, you'll create a problem that isn't even there in the first place." [source: FB share]  This photo was taken a few days pre-op.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
Kristin

Breast surgeon follow-up

8:20 am appointment w breast surgeon today. Even though the biopsy doc said he saw nothing it is part of the process to then see surgeon for biopsy results. I feel confident that surgeon will agree w biopsy doc... I wish they could just phone and let us know. I get nervous about these appointments. Praying no surprises. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

UPDATE:
Biopsy results say nothing, dr notes say likely fatty tissue. Breast surgeon said very rare that kidney cancer would travel to breast. Six months follow up mammogram and ultrasound as is protocol.

Thank you Lord. I do not have exuberant joy today, I am exhausted, but I believe You are "rejoicing over me with dancing"!!! Zephaniah 3:17

I am grateful. Shawn and I are so very grateful.

2nd UPDATE: After a nap and lunch we are out finishing Christmas and birthday shopping. Feels good to be out of the house. Merry Christmas everyone!

Post-op update

I went in fully believing for great news. While there were no surprises the news was more heavy than Shawn and I had prepared for.

Kidney tumor is the aggressive kind that doesn't have a sure-fire chemo plan. There were two lymph nodes behind the kidney that were affected. The tumor was very close to a major artery. Scary. "what's surprising is that such a small tumour could wreak such havoc... Lungs, scapula".

I will start monthly iv therapy of medicine to strengthen my bones as to increase density to protect me from bone breaks. I will have blood taken monthly to watch my kidney function while chemo happens.

Shawn asked if the kidney was the primary, that seems up in the air.

The surgeon was very pleased that I have an appt with the oncologist next week already. God is good. He just keeps lining things up for us!

Our hearts are so heavy. We are scared and overwhelmed.

Right now I am watching my kids' school Christmas concert. I sure do love these precious gifts.

Please, pray peace and wisdom.

Pray that our chemo doctor finds the right chemo right off the bat. God uses chemo for miracles and we pray for that for me.

Serious, but not hopeless. Please, pray fervently. We had hoped and believed for better news.

Post-op meeting

Sitting back in the surgeon's waiting room. Feeling a whole lot of things. Praying peace and great news. Great news is totally within God's power!!!

Pain

Woke up at 4:30 as seems to be the new norm. Took time to pray. Put my left hand gently on my right shoulder, was feeling good. Touched on a spot at the tip of my shoulder that set off fireworks of pain that have not let up. The pain runs down my arm, up my neck, it's throbbing and stabbing. It is now 11:22am and I am waiting to hear from the Cancer Agency Radiation Nursing line, took heavy meds at 7:00, didn't even touch the pain but let me sleep an hour or so. Please pray wisdom and the right meds and that this pain will stop. It's an 8 out of 10, that's pretty harsh.

Mom came because Shawn wouldn't leave me alone. Pray for him, he is a good man. Pray for my mom, she has to listen to my moaning.

Prayers appreciated so much!!!
Kristin

UPDATE:
Mom took me to the doctor at 1:00.  The pain stayed high and I was not able to manage it at all.  My doctor has put me back onto the big meds and I came home pretty drugged and feeling a little loopy.  I don't like it.  Apparently my body wasn't ready to be off everything yet.  I have had a nice two hours nap and am up feeling headachy and a little groggy.  I don't like the meds.  I'm going to figure out a compromise and try once in 24 hrs, not once in 12 hrs.  Don't tell my Mom on me, she'll be mad.  I was in a hard-to-watch level of pain.  Glad for the rest, grateful for meds to try.  Please pray that we can find a compromise as these are the drugs that are extremely constipating and I have no desire to go back to that side effect either!  The pain is definitely way lower, I have discomfort constantly on these meds, but the pain is gone.  So that's awesome.  Thank you for your prayers!!!

Big hairy deal!

Donna Summer called... She wants her big hair back! I had to post this. After so many ponytail days I set my hairs free with a shower and shampoo and this huge mop is what sprung out! Made me laugh!

Today we are celebrating 3 of our 4 November/ December birthday babies. Son1 had his party pre-op. Daughter's birthday is December 23 so we are celebrating hers early for scheduling reasons. I am looking forward to having our home filled with family this afternoon. We have been loved and cared for, prayed over and petitioned for by these amazing people. What a blessing a family with strong roots can be!!!!

I'm feeling better now than I have he last few days. That being said, I have the stamina of a 90yrs old... Well, probably there are 90 yrs olds who could outlast me. I am praying patience for me with me. God will provide!

Have a great day!
Kristin

Silver lining

Super silver lining of all this laying around is that a) my kids always know where to find me; b) watching tv together is "together enough" for me... no fancy outings needed; c) my children's servant hearts are getting lots of opportunities to care for another...their mother!

Saturday Status Report

Last night was Family Night.  Our first night since all this started that we were all in the same place at the same time, same room even!  We ate dinner together and then took a roll of pre-made gingerbread dough from the fridge, divided it six ways and gave everyone freedom to create.  I made: me!  That girls got heart, meaning love to give.  It was actually quite fun, no mess and just one cookie for each person which is the perfect treat. Also, with the blessing of dinner being brought for us, we didn't have to clean the kitchen up for that either so straight to congregating on the couches we went.  Lovely.

Today, Saturday, has been weird.  I've had a lot of queasy and icky the last two days now.  It sort of crept up on me and I'm not sure if it's from weaning off the narcotics (so glad to be past those!), or maybe because my epidural is finally wearing down (my tummy still feels like it's rubber and not quite there...weird) or just plain tired and post-op...or maybe the radiation?!  Who knows.  Whatever, today I spent much of the day in my cozy bed, trying to get my right bicep to comfort, revelling in the movement of my right shoulder, feeling like I should eat something but nothing appealed.  Weird day.

What I ate today:

- 4 saltine crackers
- 1 huge (venti) water and another 1/2 venti water
- 1 venti gingerale
- 3 pieces of a small BP Royal pizza (no ham, double pepperoni)
- almost the entire starter Mediterranean salad (minus the onion, thank you)
- 1 cough candy (tickle in my throat... please, Lord, no coughs and colds!!!!)
- 2 pieces of raisin bread (almost the whole thing)
- 1/2 orange, small handful of blueberries tossed in Greek Yogurt
- probably an apple yet and some carrot sticks (I crave, crave, crave carrot sticks, weird!)

Feels like I put the bulk of my energy to eating so I wanted to list my meals.  Plus, this blog is my record of the journey and food is always interesting to note.  I miss the joy of sitting down to eat, of smelling the yummy food smells and tasting the yummy tastes.  I know it will come back, right now, I'm adjusting to missing it.

My prayer requests right now:
Please pray away the queasy.  I hate being queasy.  Please also pray for my incisions and ...guts?!  Whatever it is that feels like I'm going to crumple up into a ball and not make it another step.  Please pray for energy and stamina.  Pray for joy.  Please, please pray for joy for me and for my family.  I choose joy and some moments we need the reinforcements of your extra prayings!  I find weepiness creeping up on me, totally naturally, totally understandable, totally fine... just want to keep an eye on that.  [smile]

Thank you for your continued love and support.  Is your Christmas tree up?  Is it even Christmas in whichever country you are reading this blog from?  Maybe not?  What season is it?!  What something special your family does if you do celebrate Christmas?  Let me know... I feel like I'm just always hogging the microphone over here!

Much love,
Kristin

Miracles

Just back from biopsy. Was so nervous. Took a pain med when we got there because I knew I'd have to lay on my sharkbite.

Got in. Tech did set up. "I'm nervous" I said. She was so nice, explained things. Took preliminary ultrasound measurements.

Dr came in, told him "I'm scared." I laid there praying, remembering to trust. Dr took up the ultrasound wand to find the spot. "where is it?" he asked... "9:30 and 11, 7cm" said tech. Dr looked again, "where?" Tech said "here, I'll find it"

Me praying that God would give wisdom to this guy... he seemed confused.

Dr. "that's it? That's breast tissue."

Me "what?"

Dr "the radiologist must have been very good, I wouldn't have seen anything"

Me, trying not to burst out praising Jesus as needle was coming at me.

Dr did take three samples (me, "I don't like that" cuz he had to dig to try and find something). He said "the report will say can't rule out cancer because lab doesn't have context. Looking at the ultrasound I can tell you not to lose sleep, it's nothing.

Me, "Nothing nothing?"

Dr, huge smile!

NOTHING NOTHING!!!!

Miracles my friends!!! Miracles!!!

When I was laying there working at calm I saw Jesus standing beside me, not just his presence but him. He was chuckling, just looking at me with a 'I got this, you know it and I know it...' and I smiled. I felt brightened and lifted up. And then "nothing, nothing"!!!!

Seriously!!!!

God, I thank you. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!

Celebration cake:

Awesome in this place

When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, even so, it is well with my soul. God is awesome in this place. Even though I am weepy and arming hard to maintain calm.

Change of plans

Hospital just called. Due to job action tomorrow my biopsy is today at 3:00. I am having a panic moment. I am scared. Nervous. Wimpy. Don't want to go to the hospital today. Was my day off. Scared. I'm sure it will be fine, I am praying peace and peace and peace. And the radiologist said it was a small shadow so I am claiming victory and no cancer. And I am asking you, again, still, always... Please pray.

Mom is here. Shawn is on his way from work. I'm scared.

Emotions and pains and grumpiness, oh my.

Today was okay. Didn't sleep enough but felt like I had slept too much, fuzzy head. Last radiation and feeling a little lost. 39 days of life feeling like someone yanked a drawer out of the kitchen cupboard and shook it all around, plans and life and everything just everywhere.

Was enjoying a quiet evening of Duck Dynasty (tv show) with hubby and kids when shoulder stab hit. Took meds, doubled over with queasy. Empty tummy didn't eat enough today. Trying to eat or have a protein smoothie all through the day. Feels like all I do is try to convince myself to eat things that just don't appeal. Headache. Stiff neck. From all the sleeping. Mixed blessings [smile].

Went for a big walk just now. Eyes mostly closed, thanks hubby for not letting my wobbly self fall off the sidewalk.

Feeling whiny and weeping and totally bitchy and mean. Still seeing silver linings: fresh air, rain drops lightly refreshing my face, legs to walk me, a nice and safe neighborhood. Food to come home to and enjoy [still not feeling interested in food, so fingers crossed-lol].

Just feeling ... Bamboozled. Weird. Exhausted. Lazy. Missing from my own life. Glimmers of normal, so loved being cuddled on the couch w son4. Little one is my biggest cuddler and every time he comes running up to me for a hug he stops just short and I see his mind trying to remember how to touch me and not hurt my shoulder or sharkbite. I hate that he has this fear. I love that he is so thoughtful and considerate. Precious.

God is good. All the time.

May your evening be peaceful!

Radiation 5

Last one!
Check this step off the list, we did it... well, in about 15 minutes! Yay us!!!

love and kindness grown here

Last night was the TeamKristin fundraiser that my two friends have been planning. All day I have been thinking of how best to articulate my gratitude and the cozy-blanket-straight-from-the-warmer love that was spilling out of the venue as we walked up. I have no words. There was so much love. So much connection and support and caring and smiles and hope and joy and friendship. And it wasn't just for me... I fear rock star status, let us never forget this is bigger than just me, this is God at work, drawing us together, drawing us to Him, filling our hearts. The love and caring was for all of us... It was my sister's co-workers coming to support her, my parents' friends coming to support them, friends of Diane's coming to support a cause dear to her, it was my other sister's co-workers and friends coming to support her... The connections running through that room: priceless.

I wish I could say it better. I am just so love-cup-filled for having walked through and received the smiles and hugs and care.

Thank you Diane and Erika. Thank you so much to all who came and contributed and brought the love.

Thank you.

Radiation 4

Done! Only one more to go!

This morning's appointment was early at 9:26am. Did the treatment and then cam home for a 3hrs nap! I woke up stiff from sleeping the wee hours on the couch (laying flat in bed makes my chest tight so I switched out of bed), then to be anywhere before 11:00... My hospital schedule was pretty slow-mornings and posh!

Tomorrow is my final radiation.

Friday I have a biopsy for the shadow on my right breast. Got that call late yesterday and then the date/time thus morning. I'm scared... Apparently their is a "burning sensation" when they freeze the biopsy spot and this morning I was feeling tired of sore sharkbite and sore shoulder and sore neck and don't touch the radiation shoulder and make sure to take the meds and and and.

Thankful for a huge nap. Things are brighter now.

Silver linings:
a) super nice tech told me she had no pain through her biopsy!
b) same tech also had her kidney out fifteen years ago!!!
c) the agency nurse was able to meet w me as a drop-in, and then spoke
to their doc, to adjust my meds... I cannot take my beloved anti-inflammatory meds for the next six days due to biopsy... I was concerned to have no pain management plan and God provided, no problem!

Sitting on the couch, watching tv w my husband. Like. Like. Like.

And it's all mine.

Noise.
Busy.
Fast-paced.
Floral bouquets.
Baskets and cards.
Kibbutzing (meaning the silly-fun play, almost wrestling, just before crying starts!).
Meals provided.
Cookies on the counter.
Kids playing all around.
I am home.

Thank you God, you brought us through!!!

Please forgive, I am asking no visitors yet this week as I adjust to home and have three more days of radiation.

Keep praying and texting and dropping notes, k? I read and re-read everything you send!

Kristin

Fundraiser... TONIGHT!

Team Kristin is so appreciative of the encouragement, donations and support for tonight's fundraiser. We are happy to report its SOLD OUT!

Here are just a couple things you should know:
- if you have spoken for a ticket, it will be at the door with your name on it
- doors open at 6:30
- please being cash or cheque for the auction or team Kristin merchandise (sorry no credit or debit available)

It should be a really great night of support for Kristin, Shawn and family. Thank-you for being a part of it!!

Team Kristin

Never alone

My request coming in to this hospital stay was that I never be alone. Yes, God is with me always. Yes, I know your thoughts and prayers are with me and holding me up. But my love language is "meaningful touch" and "time spent". What a very blessed and spoiled girl I am to have had loved ones around me at every turn. Day and night! My family is incredible, they have lavished love on me in such epic and subtle and huge and quiet ways. I am so blessed.

Thankful

Thankful for amazing medical staff and kind and patient nurses. Thankful for meds to dull the pain and apple butter on toast from a stocked hospital ward kitchen. Thankful for the smile of volunteers coming to pray. Thankful for a new and high-tech hospital and cancer center just minutes from home. So many silver linings and miracles along the way. Thankful, very thankful.

Answered prayer

After a long couple of days with no luck in the loo, tonight I share success! Bowel movement accomplished. Trust me when I say mom and I were singing praises in this hospital room!
Thank you for praying. Seriously, thank you! Look, rainbows and ponies and lollipops... Next topic!

2:00 am w LaLaLuna

Meet LaLaLuna, my sweet little sister-friend-giftie from Kori and Keri. Tonight we are taking a walk cuz I have wicked gas pains in my side. These are some of the things we see on our nightly adventure hikes.