Hunkering down

Over the past few days I've noticed an ever increasing shift inwards.  I'm finding it harder to make polite conversation, I'm not replying to emails (gasp!) and I'm even just barely skimming through Faceboook (shock!).  I'm feeling myself getting more and more quiet, becoming smaller in personality, more inside my head.  Not sure how I feel about this... acceptance that this is part of the processing, understanding that my mind and emotions are playing catch-up to all the fear and change and loss of the past 70ish days, being slowed down by the stinging of the port in my neck and the wicked-sore muscles in my sharkbite region.  Afraid of letting this become a habit, the avoiding of life.  Cancer really is quite the head game.  Journalling big, lovely blog posts...and not able to get them onto the computer because the laptop is too heavy, or it's too much effort to turn it on, or... meh.

Very strange.  I still feel vibrant in myself.  I just feel... that everything is a whole lot of effort.  And also, I'm afraid of germs.  Really afraid.  I do not want to get a cold and end up in the hospital and die. 

I'm sure everything will all even out at some point.  I believe it!  ...don't tell me otherwise.

Right now I'm just feeling... adjusting to this new chapter and waiting for chemo and just...feeling like a salmon at the bottom of the waterfall, waiting for the rain upstream to wash down and give direction and pull to make the jump.

Rambling.

Feeling queasy the last two days.  Flu shot maybe?  Not sure.  My sharkbite has been really sore...the muscles and my ribs are all soooooo hurt-y.  And my cancer-y shoulder has been having the achy annoying pain again... I have enjoyed being painfree for about 2 weeks now and celebrating increased mobility each day.  Really feel the need for chiropractor but can't til the port settles.  And did I mention it's stingy?  That's probably stitches healing?  I don't know.  I can feel the tubing.  It's gross.  I will myself to not think about it several times a day to avoid gweebing way out.

Rambling.

Sleeping well at night.  6-8 hours, then coughing and clearing lungs...sometimes to the point of full gag which startles me and then I have to work through the mental image of suffocating to death.  Head games. Then I eat something ... and am super proud of myself for eating something... then make effort to interact with the kids as they wake up... then back to bed for a nap between 8 and 11 depending on the morning.  More head games... bad Kristin for going back to bed, you should shower and start your day, if you didn't lay around all day you wouldn't be so tired...  and the reality of I. am. tired.   Whatever.  It is what it is.

I feel mellow and I'm okay these days emotionally...though I do find myself very easily crying, or tears rolling down my cheeks and catching me off-guard.  Poor little salmon, just catching her breath before she makes the jump up over the waterfall.  [chuckle]

My littlest came down, all squishy and warm from his bed, and climbed up on me for a morning cuddle.  Best 2 minutes of my day already!!!  My kids are such a huge and awesome blessing, wow do I love them hard.

Last night I drove myself over to Keri and Kori's for a visit.  It was scary to drive after two months of not...but I did it.  And if I wasn't so nervous I would have been squealing with delight as I drove away independantly!!!!  FREEDOM!   Was awesome.  And today, I'm tired and happy to have a driver again.  Baby steps, right.  [smile]

Thankful for the dinners coming each night, and the motivation of good manners and a grateful heart that gets me off the couch and over to the door to connect.  I'm a people person and I don't want to lose that...the dinners really are so much more than 'food'... we are so touched that people would take groceries from their pantry, take time out of their day, make the drive over, send baking or bring a special treat or a card... and that minute or three at the door is a precious connection that brightens my day hugely and energizes me and brings smiles. 

Keep connecting with me... I need the extra motivation to not draw too much into myself right now as I figure out balance each day with whatever emotions and pains and worries and hopes and dreams come my way.  You are awesome!!!!

Have a great day!!!!
Kristin