Week 2, Day 1: chemo #2

Woke up to sunshine, a good rest, a little nausea, kids getting ready for school, hubby a little stressed to get them to the bus.  I'm really enjoying the 8:20 wake-up... I could sleep through their noises, but why would I want to?!  The last three days I have put my full efforts into making eye contact with the kids lots, hugging when hugs are wanted or needed or even hinted at, making a point to engage them in conversation even as they flit through the room just long enough to sideways-glance check on me.  These children of ours are amazing.  Kind. Thoughtful. Astute. Heart-meltingly sweet.  Tears keep flowing from my happy heart.  They are getting used to that... I've always been a crier when my heart is happiest.  This they know, we have talked about.

Chemo#2.  Told M (daughter, 11yrs) that I had chemo today, she got quiet, contemplative, she's a thinker.  "Why did God make you have cancer?"  "He didn't.  Adam and Eve sinned, sin came into the world, disease is in the world.  God's heart breaks that I have cancer.  He is sad that we are sad.  Our hope is in Him.  God didn't make cancer." "Ya.... "  silent girl, thinking, wondering, wishing this wasn't real, wanting her Mom off the couch, wanting her Mom to be okay... M doesn't like surprises, not knowing when I will be better is too much of an unknown for her.  I get that.  More tears.  She reaches out like this big girl grown up and holds my hand.  A quiet moment with my girl then she's off to school.  Heavy-heart for an 11yrs old.

Yesterday I was in-my-head worried a little about chemo.  The scare with so much pain on Saturday is still something too close in memory.  The nausea sits on my chest, boils when I walk or move around, is like indigestion just waiting to roll forth and knock me over.  Manageable, so long as I don't eat, move, drink, walk.  But manageable... weak smile and an eye roll.  

We are in "day 8-10" right now, these are the days the nurse said my counts would be the most germ-phobic... keep the sneezes and coughing public away.  My counts were very high (good) on Saturday night, am trusting, praying, begging the Lord to keep them that way.  We waiver between letting the kids within 5 feet of me and me grabbing them into a big everyone-hold-your-breath hug.  I can't go without the hugs... it's torture.  And at this point, my counts are high and I think it a calclated risk with the pay-out being 'normal mom time'.  My dear husband just wants me safe and not-exposed.  It's a balancing act: every emotion, every food or drink intake, every everything... it's all a balancing act these days. 

I'm used to balancing life and 4 kids and volunteer stuff and my university courses and friends and and and ... and I'm pretty good at it.  But this... this is so much different.  Thinking on people who have had cancer and survived, hoping to ride their odds, knowing 'odds' aren't actually something I believe in, but thinking about those who cancer took.... the mental aspect of anything is always the big part... here, too.

So... chemo #2.  Am believing for healing.  Am having faith in the meds to keep the nausea down.  Am glad to be eating after 9 weeks of no appetite post-op... even though that then makes me queasy... body needs food to grow strong new cells.  Praying peace, thankful for the help, spending the day with hubby working from home so he can take me to chemo... like having him here so very much.

The sun is shining.  Will go for a walk when the ice melts off the sidewalks, can't slip and fall, have to be careful not to break bones... the frost on the rooftops is gorgeous today.  Rambling.

Kristin