Up at 3am, coughing and lungs and hungry but can't think what to eat. Finally back to sleep at 6ish, awake at 10am. Feeling emotional. Tears this morning. Several people have commented that they are glad for me or happy or excited to see me start chemo. I understand the sentiment, that it is a show of support to get the chemo in and cancer out. I get that. But I don't feel that way. I feel resolved to go, get it done, there is hope, the chemo will work, the cure is coming... and sad, that today is "the last supper", the eve of "the next months are going to be hard work... It may be years". I don't know, I'm just feeling nervous and scared and like I am being pushed into solitary confinement. Shawn and I had big conversation this weekend about what our plan is if a kid comes home sick from school... Will they go, or me? Will we have a 12' rule that no one comes near mommy without a mask? What about church or other regular life things. We have a long list of questions to ask the chemo nurse, we don't want to be paranoid but we also acknowledge that kids coming home from school are like germ sponges in this "worst flu season". I don't know. Just feeling the feelings and realizing that part of it is just the morning wake-up-and-remember-that-cancer-is-here.
This past weekend was fantastic. Shawn and I met some dear friends for dinner out!!! Then Sunday was lunch at Mom and Dad's with the family. Sunday evening brought a visit with some long time friends who we haven't seen in awhile ... and it was like no time had passed. Connected. Fantastic!
Thank you for the comments and emails and notes that many of you have left. As the days wear on the alone-ness is sometimes harder to fight than I can easily muster against. I cherish knowing that I am connected with friends loving and praying around the world.
Chemo is 12:45 tomorrow.
Chemo is bitter sweet for sure. Praying you will find peace in this part of your journey. As I read my devotional this morning... "Little by little I will transform your weaknesses into strengths".
ReplyDeleteMay this 'free time' at home not be a time of loneliness but time that allows you to find joy in the things you love... Your family, photography & scrap booking, crafting & quilting. Maybe even a chance to find New joys like baking and cooking :)
Love you Kristin, sending you extra hugs today!
Still thinking of you and praying for you all the time. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteKen and I well continue to pray daily for you. love cam
ReplyDeleteSometimes life takes you on a journey you wouldn't choose for yourself but God is there to hold your hand! Praying for you and your family constantly as you move forward in this journey! Here are the words to a song I recently found. I pray the words are peace to you.
ReplyDeleteExceedingly, abundantly, above all, all you could ask or think according to, the power, that worketh in you
God is able to do just what he said he would do
He's gonna fullfill every promise to you
Don't give up on God cause He won't give up on you
He's Able, yeah, He's able
Chorus (2x):
God is able to do just what He said He would do
He's gonna fullfill every promise to you
Don't give up on God cause He won't give up on you
He's Able (2x)
Leader;
Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
He's Able
Bridge (3x):
Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
He's Able
Vamp:
He's Able
Leader:
Don't give up on God cause He won't give up on you
He's able
May God fill you with His presence!
Lori
you're on my mind today, Kristin. I'm praying for you tonight as you prep your body and mind and soul for your first day of chemo tomorrow. xo
ReplyDeleteLeanne
I have a dear friend who went through chemo many years ago now, two weeks on, one week off. During her two weeks on, she allowed adults only to visit her at home (for short stays)if she felt like it. During her one week off, she came out to visit us if she felt well enough. Your body and your mind will dictate what you should and shouldn't do. You have many friends and family who can visit if you feel like it to help break up the day, including me. Judy
ReplyDelete