nerves

sigh

Sitting here on the eve of another big dose of reality.  Not loving it.  Reality, in this case, bites.

I don't want the port.  Is it too late to change my mind?  Fear is irrational.  But it's fear.  And mostly I'm just grossed out about the whole thing.  Praying really hard that it's not as gross as I think it is going to be.  Can't believe what a total wuss I am being about something so minor.  I wasn't nearly as freaked out about my kidney surgery.  Maybe that's why I'm so freaked about this.  I don't want to be cut again.  I don't want another scar, or two.  I wasn't at all prepared for how hard post-op and recovery would be.  How could I be, everything happened so quickly and I'd never had surgery before.  When I go for procedures I tend to dissociate.  The room is like a sphere, round and gooey like a fish egg.  There is no noise, no air moving, no focus.  I put everything I can into focusing on the words of the hospital staff before me.  I am disconnected from my body, just me...just a face with words and thoughts.  I see my hands in my lap, fidgeting and wringing, I see my feet and the heavy shoes so far away.  Shawn is near but hard to see.  I am alone in the moment.  Somewhere in my heart I know that God is there but the responsibility to act on my behalf is fully on me...and I'm just working hard to not bolt running from the room.  Not scared, just not wanting to be there.  It's an impossible moment made possible because it just is what it is and it just has to be.

Tonight I have ...nervous energy.  Can't focus.  Mind keeps wandering and I just don't know what to do with myself.  I'm not scared.  Just...  not sure how I would define what I feel.

So tonight I will continue to ask for God to let His peace fall over me like flakes of snow fluttering down and blanketing everything with quiet.  I will pray that God is preparing the medical team for me with wisdom and excellence, that He will blanket the OR with peace and success and wisdom and discernment and quick and easy surgery and recovery.  And I just keep praying.  What else can I do.

sigh. shrug.  one more step to cancer-free.  that's good. sad face