New year.

A new year.  New. year.

The hiatus of last week has turned to the reality of what this new year will bring. 

My hope, my dream, my resolve, my pleading request... to be cancer free.  I don't want to be palliative.  I want to be curative.  When you come to the BC Cancer Agency you are either/or... curative meaning they can take out the cancer and you're fixed, palliative meaning we can't quick-cure you but our goal is quality of life including remission.  Remission is great and all, I want to be cured.

Woke up with cancer on my mind, weighing down my spirit. 01-01-13  Stood in the shower sobbing, no tears could break forth and give me that emotional cleanse that I needed.  A trend, crying in the shower.  I guess it's the alone with my thoughts, no kids or noises or interruptions.  Alone with my scars, alone with the smooth and beautiful skin that will soon be stabbed and threaded and scarred by a port.  Trying to make peace with the port.

The year feels hijacked.  I'm not overly emotional about it...it feels healthy-emotional, trying more so to wrap my head around it.  At least a piece of it.  Not sure whether I am to make peace with my captor ...I guess that's what remission will look like.  Or do I fight, even to the death.  I don't want to do that... what if I lose. 

My kids are upstairs wrestling on my bed.  It's the squeals and giggles one millisecond before someone gets hurt.  There's Daddy, separating the herd, one millisecond soon enough. 

Feeling really tired today.  January 1.  My resolution is to purpose more fun into our lives.  Like, stupid fun.  Like, I want to be the mom who puts silly toothpicks in her kids' sandwiches for school.  Jokes and notes and silliness.  And celebrating.  Not big and lavish but purposeful.  I was already feeling this desire before cancer came, now it is my one resolution for this new year.  Today that seems like an achievable resolution.  Anything else just pales in comparison to 'this is the year I need to beat cancer out of me... and submit to the medicine that can beat it out of me...and rest up and recover from work of getting cancer out of me'. 

Depressing post.  May you be insulated against my sad-overwhelm-ed-thinking-ness.  Being real.  Need you to keep praying.  I really rely on the knowledge that you are praying.  God hears.  God was heartbroken and crying right with me when I showered.  He loves me, He is sad when I am sad.  I am so glad to know this awesome God.  I want you to know Him, too. 

We are headed to my parents to play games and just hang out.  I'm exhausted.  I am motivated by the reality that chemo means I will be more susceptible to germs and will have to learn to be okay with missing stuff these next months.  I'm not missing out on seeing everyone today.

It is, indeed a HAPPY NEW YEAR... the year is still 365 days of potential and adventure and hopes and dreams and learnings and growings and laughter and joy and silly antics of my kids and love to be given and received.   I am anticipating chemo to start within the next three days.  My port insertion is Friday, I am silently freqked out about that...silent in that I feel peace, but I am so grossed out and aprehensive and claustrophobic and afraid they will have to dig around and I will be awake-ish and then it will be in me for a long time and and and.  The chemo is medicine, medicine is good, I will take my medicine because it will work.  I accept the fatigue ...as much as a girl can accept something she hasn't experienced yet... I trust the expensive anti-nausea meds will work.  I will relish the week 3/no chemo week.

Just feeling a heaviness today.  It's a new year and that is awesome... just hard to know that I'm going to have to be of courage and be brave and do hard things for a while yet.  I'd rather be doing other stuff. [weak smile]

May YOUR year be awesome!  May MY year be awesome!  May our families and friends have years full of joy and laughter, peace and love, adventure and smiles... I want that for all of us because a good time for all is just a good time for all of us!!! [big smile]

HAPPY NEW YEAR... welcome 2013... we look forward to your many silver linings and God's many blessings that He already has planned for us!!!
Kristin