A week of "in awe"

Living in a miracle of use of my arm, pain free, clearer head than have had in months! So grateful for this moment!!! Went into chemo in pain and bad mobility, came home healed and healing already!!!!! Miracles!!!!!

And if you saw my before: after you would be shocked to actually SEE a miracle.

When I was sitting in the chemo chair, feeling myself fade, I knew that it was not something to fear or fight. I knew that my body was powering down, that something important was going on. I let my body sink into the chair and just rested into that moment. Full peace even though I could hear my two nurses brainstorming and calling the oncologist. About half hour or more later I started to need to pee (full bladder from IV for three hours) and was able to open my eyes and sit up. Got wheeled to the bathroom, walked back to my coat, got to the van with Shawn.

When we got home, both of us had a quick dinner and then I asked Shawn to come for a walk. He kind of rolled his tired eyes, knowing that my "walks" only last about 5 houses down the road before I was crumpled and hunched and hobbling home. But, he humoured me. And we walked all the way to the start of our subdivision, back past our house to the next cul de sac and back! I had clear head, energy, could walk upright, no sharkbite pain!

Got home, puttered and watched tv, went to bed.

At my 4:00am up-to-pee is when I noticed the miracle. For six months, I have had no use of my right arm... Can't barely write, can't always lift a glass without supporting the hand with my left hand, no reaching up or out. To get up in the night I would use my left arm to pick up my right hand, pull the right hand across my chest, then pull myself over in a big beached-whale heave onto my left side while then using my left hand to get myself rolled out of bed. Six months. On this morning, I woke up on my back (usual), sat up and got out of bed. !!!!!!!! And I stood there for the briefest few seconds, stunned by the miracle I just lived, knowing it was huge, needing to get to the bathroom. I was in shock the whole way to and from the toilet. Got back to bed and crawled in like an able person, not gingerly setting myself into the pillows in fear of the pain. My port did not sting, my cancer shoulder did not burn, my arm was moving without help!!!!! I fell back asleep with a praise and a sense of wonder on my heart, knowing something big had happened... Just knowing that this was a miracle that only makes sense because it is God.

Wednesday morning I had invited my parents and sisters to go for lunch, if I felt okay. I felt okay! We got to the restaurant and had to wait and hour for the table... I stood out in the sun and waited for the whole hour STANDING!!!! No pain in my sharkbite. Held my own purse!!!!! For an hour!!!! Got our table and sat without pain!!!!

And then, the big reveal: I said look what I can do... Looked my Mom in the eyes... And lifted my right arm up above my head right there in the restaurant!!!! Mom and Dad and Keri and Kori were all stunned I think! Mom has helped me wash, these dear ones have watched me suffer for months, they knew this was HUGE! And then I think I showed them my second party trick... I could INHALE a huge breathe, several in a row even, without coughing to vomit! CLEAR breath!!!! Since Christmas I have not been able to take a full breathe in. Miracles!!!!!!

This week has blurred past, I didn't realize I was Friday until yesterday was in full swing. The awe of these miracles keep distracting me. The joy of showing the regular visitors and people delivering food: they who have seen me since the week before surgery are astounded. My 11yrs old daughter keeps commenting how "awake you seem!" We are stunned and astounded and I don't now why I didn't blog this til now. Just soaking in the "living a miracle", forgive me and celebrate this victory?!?! I sure am!!! Every time I get into bed I am shocked. I showered this week and was able to fully wash my own armpits!!!!! Seriously folks six months of crying and frustrated over showering! Remember the temper tantrum chemo morning cuz I couldn't reach my hair cowlic? I came home that night and twisted my hair into a ponytail with no problem!!!!!!! Hello???? Can I get an Amen????

Today is a hard chemo day. I had a Rubik's cube of pain in my chest all night: indigestion is a side effect, this was more than I had expected. Feeling better now, just nauseas. Not horrible enough for meds but makes me wary of opening my mouth to talk or to eat. Hmmm. Today I am missing my daughter's birthday party, to know me is to know that I am a very involved mommy and this is super hard for me to miss. Also, this is only week 1 of cycle 1... More chemo to come, to drag at me, to rest and recouperate from. As I said to Shawn, it's not like a 24 hrs flu, I know this is just the beginning, that's hard.

Right now I am living in the euphoria of knowing God is able, not presuming to know His plan, thrilled to be experiencing such drastic and amazing healing!!! At some point in this journey their may be a dip, I am holding tight to celebrate this moment right now!

Celebrate it with me!!!! Hug your loved ones extra, go for a walk, invite your friend for coffee... That's what I would do on this precious day if I can muster it: spend it with someone I love doing something silly and fun!!!!!

The euphoria of a miracle.... wow, so grateful! Soaking it in, holding it close, feeling it dance around me and tickle my senses.

God is good, all the time.