Cancer Agency: Vancouver Clinic

I got the call this morning.  My intake appointment in Vancouver is tomorrow morning.  I was shocked.  I was told that we wouldn't hear from them until Wednesday.  Once I got over that surprise I grabbed my notebook and pen and wrote down all the different appointment times, with who, what floor, where to park, etc.  It is going to be a long day.  The clinic pamphlet for new patients says the first appointment is 2-3 hours, they recommend eating a good meal and bringing a snack!  Whoa.

I have childcare and carpools arranged.   Shawn and Mom will come with me.  I'll bring my phone charger, my notebook and my snack.  Cancer clinic number, meds, Care Card.  Kleenex.  Courage.  Peace.  Trust.   My pockets will be overflowing with the prayers of my family and friends and so many people who barely know us but pray just the same.

I feel nervous.  A new doctor.  New clinic.  New routine.  New information to process.  New fears to quell.  New chemo to figure out.  New side effects to agree to.  New sparks of hope to fan gently so they can grow bigger and brighter and warmer and cast light further.

I feel exhausted just thinking about all the shoring up of my emotional and mental state to get through the long drive in, the waiting room, the blood taking, the second long waiting, the meeting of a new oncologist (so incredibly nerve-wracking), the drive home.   Just everything is a lot.

I am curious about what they will recommend.  I am interested in what they expect the new chemo to do and what the "clinical trial" means.  I am holding open my mind.

I really need your prayers.  I am greedy for them.  I ask politely, and I ugly-beg for them. 

I really want to feel secure with my new doctor, Dr. K.  I really want to feel a sense of "he knows what he's doing, he feels good about this, he has a plan and I can just sink into it and let it unfold around me". 

Cancer sucks.

I want it gone now.  I want it shrunk down and stunted and stopped.  I want the chemo to be gentle, the side effects to be completely manageable (mentally and physically), I want this to work 100%.  I want Shawn to be okay.  I want our kids to be okay.  I want my parents and sisters to be okay.  I want my inlaws and friends to be okay.  I just want to see this all work out for good... and by "for good" I ask that that means "healed in Jesus' name"!  Amen.

Thank you for reading this blog.  Thank you for holding us in your prayers.  Thank you for the many kindness so many of you have bestowed on us.  We need your help and are so grateful for your willingness to give it.  Thank you.

It was bound to happen...

Purse apple.

My purse.

She is rubbing off on me, that Mom of mine!   Love you, Mommapalooza!!!

Hard thoughts

Jesus Calling: September 30

I am perpetually with you,taking care of you. That is the most important fact of your existence. I am not limited by time or space; My Presence with you is a forever-promise. You need not fear the future, for I am already there. When you make that quantum leap into eternity, you will find Me awaiting you in heaven. Your future is in My hands; I release it to you day by day, moment by moment. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow.

I want you to live this day abundantly, seeing all there is to see, doing all there is to do. Don’t be distracted by future concerns. Leave them to Me! Each day of life is a glorious gift, but so few people know how to live within the confines of today. Much of their energy for abundant living spills over the time line into tomorrow’s worries or past regrets. Their remaining energy is sufficient only for limping through the day, not for living it to the full. I am training you to keep your focus on My Presence in the present. This is how to receive abundant Life, which flows freely from My throne of grace.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
—Matthew 6:34

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
—John 10:10

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”
—James 4:13–15

____________

Kristin:   That "quantum leap into eternity"  stole my breath away.  I am not afraid of being dead, I will go to heaven.  My heart breaks at the thought of being missing from our kids' lives, them not having Their mom for talks about dating, buying her grad dress, wedding dress, happy-tears-streaming down my face as he stands so handsome waiting for his bride to walk down the aisle, grand babies and Christmas mornings, sports days, assemblies and book fair days.  I want them to remember me smiling and plump, laughing and listening, me as me not me with sad eyes and sad-crying.  I want so much more for them.  I am so sad this morning.  Having trouble keeping composed.  I really don't want to die.  I really am nervous about chemo again. I feel so many things and nothing.  I just will keep choosing to trust.  The heartbreak is passing.  I trust you, Lord.  I thank you for every minute I have with my kids.  I love every minute I have with Shawn.  I am glad for the many many many many joys you bring and keep bringing.  You surround us with your love and you blanket us in your peace.  You have Angels around each of us.  You have put friends and good people around us and to take care of us and to help us.  I will keep counting these many blessings and I know you're not done with any of us yet.  You have a plan and we are in it.  I thank you for your peace and your love and your hope.  Amen.

Fell hard, ouch!

Not long after posting the 'nervous energy' post I got up from the couch to go to the kitchen.  My toes felt numb, as they have almost constantly since we returned from Florida, and my left foot was being strange... it seemed to be flapping on the floor.  I had taken about 4 or 5 steps when I looked down and saw my foot twist upside-down on the floor.  I started yelling, "Help!  Help! Help! Help!" as I quickly crumpled to the ground.  I landed sort of on all floors.  Thank you, Lord, that I didn't hit my head at all (the blood thinners could cause bleeding on the brain if I am ever to hit my head, it is something I have been strongly warned about).  Shawn came barreling down the stairs to the floor beside me.  I was still yelling, "Help! Help! Help! Help!  I fell.  I fell.  I fell.  Help!"  I was just so in shock.  And I jammed my right arm, with the stupid shoulder that has been hurting me more and more over the past weeks.  After a few minutes I asked Shawn to help me sit up.  We sat on the floor for a few minutes, I wiggles my toes.  I think my foot had fallen asleep when I was sitting on the couch, but I didn't realize it because my toes are always a little numb.  And then the tears came.  I was just so scared.  In the seconds between awareness that my foot was wrong and then being on the floor I had these flash-aheads of chemo, cancer, my body giving out, losing use of this body.  It was so scary.  I was so scared.  Even typing this I can feel those feelings that I had and it was horrible.  I was just so scared.  We sat on the floor for a fair while, me crying, Shawn hugging me and loving me.  I want to see people and do things and get things done ... and yet I feel like my body and mind want me and need me to just sit on the couch with my kids.  I just want to sit on the couch with Shawn but every minute is full.  People want to see me, and I am flattered because I feel the love and I know that they are concerned, but it is just taking so much energy to do anything.  Before I got off the couch I had been reading the new patient pamphlet from the Vancouver Agency.   I had read an article about a man with bladder cancer who has been fighting it for five years and how hard that has been on his family.  All of those things just sit so heavy on my heart.  This is why I don't want to know details.  Why I can't afford to hear stats or stories even.  It's hard.  So hard.  So heavy.  So ... leaves me feeling like a deer in the headlights.   Today my foot has a swollen spot and the entire foot is so sore.  My shoulder is calmed down quite a bit, I don't think I damaged it.  I just was so scared.  So much scared in such a short burst of time.  It's mind-blowing.   I feel like the days are so full and yet I wish there were more hours in each day.  Chemo again.  [deep exhale]  It's a lot to grasp.

Nerves and nervous energy

Feeling antsy today.  Super antsy.   I called my oncologist's office Friday and was told that I should hear from Vancouver on Tuesday or Wednesday.  I braved it and actually went onto the Vancouver Agency website and read through the new patient handbook (I'm always afraid of being told more info than I want to know... more info means more fears to push away and that's exhausting).  The handbook says it could be weeks between appointment and treatment starting.  I don't know how I feel about that.  But I have nervous energy today.  And I feel exhausted, emotionally.  I think maybe I'm feeling sort of 'adrift'.  ???  Probably that's what it is.  And there's this push to get things done, organized, the house in order before chemo again, the concern that "chemo is harder the second time" and what the heck that could mean, and then telling myself, "hey, it doesn't HAVE to be harder!" and spending time just chilling and resting my body and trying to remember to eat (I have appetite but I just feel... unable to feed myself, make a decision, know what to do), and the thinking and not-thinking.  I'm just floating through this, not fretting, but it's very hard to be mellow AND to accomplish things both.  I can be mellow (which feels so lazy) or I can accomplish stuff (which hurts my body or freaks me out or makes me think which is a whole dangerous landslide of emotions to scramble to tuck back into a manageable place)...  but I'm not worried.  I feel peaceful.  I just can't figure out how to be peaceful AND to get things done in a way that makes me feel that things are actually tidying up around here.... and our four kids' birthdays are November and December and it's soon Christmas and those are things I love and this is my favourite season and .... so I just hold on to peace and I just 'be'.  I don't know else how to better do this.  [shrug]

Had a great day yesterday kicking off my sisters' 40th birthdays weeks (not there birthdays quite yet) with some cousins... such a great day.  Loved our time together.   Watching cooking shows, surfing the net, working on a paperwork project, just keeping my mind busy in a nothing-that-requires-too-much-awareness-or-thinking sort of way.

Thanks for listening.
Mwah.

Terry Fox Run

Connor (6yrs): "Mommy, today was the Terry Fox Run and I runned for two people.  Two people I know that has cancer."
Mommy:  "Oh, ya?"  [sinking feeling in pit of stomach]
Connor:  "I runned for two people.  For Terry Fox and for YOU!"
Mommy:  [punch to the gut][be brave][don't cry][he's so proud] "Oh wow.  I wish you didn't have to run for me but thank you, sweetheart." [big smile and a hug to my boy]

True

I agree. 

And even bad chapters aren't 100% bad... there is still good writing, suspense, intrigue, interesting characters, poetic moments, writing-so-bad-it's-comical-and-laughter-is-good-so-that-redeems-the-whole-thing, the feel of the paper in your hand, the way that book makes you feel, associations you make with the people and places and moments in that chapter and how they connect to your own life...

Plus, my hope is in the Lord, and He is the author of the whole thing, so that's pretty awesome!

Raw

I am either raw with emotion or fully at peace either or

a full swing of the pendulum

I am continually in awe at how God answers my cries for help so fully and completely

moments ago I was raw overwhelmed 

panicked at the thought of all there needs done around the house to prepare for chemo

I cried out to God, "help me, please meet me in my need" not even knowing what to ask just so raw in my emotion

 

I sit here just moments later in full mellowed contentment

peace

He loves me so much

CT scan: results

I had my oncologist appointment today, we moved it due to a scheduling conflict for Shawn.  Shawn, Mom and I were together at the appointment to hear that the CT scan shows the cancer has grown again.  I will be starting chemo again in a few weeks.  I will begin this next round of chemo as part of a clinical trial through Vancouver Cancer Agency and all my treatment and appointments will be through Vancouver from now on.  (An hour drive away.)

We told the kids tonight, they were devastated.  The cries quickly turned to worries about me dying and all I could feel was hollow as I searched for words and we talked about heaven and I assured our six years old that I would, indeed, find him when he was an old, old grandpa and he died and in the next instant would be in heaven.  And I prayed for them and over them.  And we thanked God for this amazing family of six we are, and for our grandmas and grandpas and aunties and uncles and cousins and friends who love us dearly.  And we asked for peace and thanked God for His peace and His love. Eventually we were distracted by dinner and bedtime routine.  The little boys seemed fairly okay.  Our daughter seems sad. Our eldest went to youth group at church.

Hard news.  Scary to think that this actually could kill me.  Hope and peace and love are here.  We believe for miracles and we pray for peace and for healing.  I pray that Shawn will be okay and that our kids will keep soft their hearts to God.  

I told the kids, "I am the same mommy today as I was yesterday."  I assured them I am not dying today or the next day. I can't promise anything more, that is hard for this momma, to not be able to calm their fears.  We sat together, the six of us, in our living room, cuddled on the couches, feeling the emotions, soaking in the love.  

What more can we do, really?  It is what it is.  Please, continue to pray for us.

God helps

So in the middle of all of my own emotions and frettings and laying down worries there is a family's worth of kids here having their own after school moments.  Miranda is thrilled with the results of her beaded bracelet that she's just finished.  Kyle is tuning out the noise and reading a book in the living room.  Braden is wandering around having finished building his new Lego set.  Connor is having a sorrowful meltdown because his new Lego set guy thingie won't hold the Ninja sword.  And so me, rather than running away emotionally and losing myself in the tv, I am pulled out of my emotions and into mothering.  An excellent distraction and a worthy use of my time.  Any of his siblings was perfectly capable of helping Connor but God lined everyone else up with a project and Connor needed me.  Thank you, Lord, for using my kids to pull me back to this present moment.  You are good.

And now I am altering the sword to better fit the robot guy's hand.  This has me chuckling for some reason. Ah, God is so good!

Appointment change

My oncology appointment has been moved to tomorrow.  Oh how a day with my boys (pro-d day, no school for them) went from smiles and just enjoying time together to this tightness welled up in my chest and me working to focus on the kids.  [exhale][coughing from the exhale]

Praying.  For peace and healing and good news and strength for us. Thank you Jesus.  Amen.

No news

My oncologist miscommunicated when she told me to see her today following my CT scan.  

We showed up, she had left for the day. Her secretary was able to reach her and find us clarification.  I have shed a few tears, felt some anger, feel disappointed in her because of the emotional energy today drained me (us) of, and now am back to feeling thankful that for one more week I am cancer-free.  Because until some test tells me I have cancer growing, I am believing I am cured.  

No news is good news.  

My new appointment is September 26.  We will hear CT results then.

[deep exhale]

Off to spend time with my hubby and kids.  Thank you, Lord, for this time together. Amen.

Rachel Wojo: How to leave your burdens at the feet of Jesus. [article]

Rachel Wojnarowski is a Christian woman whose website I like to check frequently.  As I sit here waiting for the clock to tick down to my CT scan appointment I thought this article was very timely.  This cancer experience has been all about laying it down, again and again and again and again... the fears, panic, worry, overwhelm-ed-ness and just laying it at the feet of Jesus.  I really like how she explains what "laying it down" means.

Today, this entire week actually, I feel very calm.  I have feelings and emotions, but they are mellowed, calmed, at peace with me, not trying to overtake me or choke me out of functioning through my days.  I know that it is God who is giving me this peace.  I am truly hopeful that the CT results will be good news, but I am also realistic that they may not be.  I really hope they are good news results.  I guess I'm feeling neutral about the subject.  When I think about the scan, the needle, the nice nurse with the curly hair or else the nice nurse with the black hair  (I almost always get the same two Nurses and both do a really good job at getting a vein lickety-split!), the waiting, the walk down the long hallway to the Cancer Agency and my oncology appointment ...that's when I get a little icky in my tummy... but then I just shimmy my shoulders back into the comfy-cozy warmth of God's peace and I just 'be'.  [smile]   Thank you for praying us through this day.

And... I'm hungry.  Fasting since 8am and my tummy is grumbly today.  LOL  Go...eat a cookie for me... or a sandwich!  [wink]
_________________________________________________________
[Taken from http://rachelwojo.com/how-to-leave-your-burdens-at-the-feet-of-jesus/ ]

 Occasionally I’m asked a question by a reader that really makes me think. One that makes me immediately say to myself: Goodness, I don’t know the answer to that question. But the cool thing is that while I truthfully don’t know the answer, I do know where to find the answers to life’s questions. So I turn to God’s Word and read and study- praying for the Lord to show me the answer.
The question I’m answering today doesn’t have an easy, pat answer that you throw out there to pacify someone. The depth from which a question is asked must also be the depth from which a question is answered. Here’s our question for today:

Thanks for the post. The reminder to leave my burden at Jesus’ feet is one that I’m really working on right now. Sometimes, though, I really am not sure how I’m supposed to do that. What does it look like, practically speaking, to leave my burdens at His feet? Do you have a specific example of a time in your life when you did this?

The question is tough because we are taking sometimes intangible items (our burdens) and placing them in an invisible, though real place (Jesus’ feet.)
What is the answer as to how to leave your burdens at the feet of Jesus?
In I Samuel 1&2, we find the story of Hannah, a woman whose greatest desire was to have a child. We can imagine the anguish this desire caused Hannah to have. In my book, The Sensational Scent of Prayer, the two prayers of Hannah are examined and described. The first prayer of Hannah simply requests that God give her a son. Without explaining all the detail contained in the book, let’s look at Hannah’s own description of her prayer:

but have poured out my soul before the LORD. I Sam. 1:15

Think for a moment of a pitcher filled with water.
This pitcher represents our life and the water represents our burdens. Wow- that pitcher sure is heavy when filled with all the burdens!
So we go to time with God and pour some water out of the pitcher. We talk to God about our burdens and we attempt to listen to what He is telling us.
But the pitcher is so heavy, we tire of holding it. And while much of the water (our burdens) remains contained in the pitcher, we walk away from our time with God, carrying the burdens with us.
A little while later, maybe hours, maybe days, we return to the Lord in conversation with our pitcher of burdens still in tow. And that pitcher seems even heavier than before because of the weight.
But instead of relinquishing it all to God, we carry our pitcher back out of our time spent with Him. Lugging the weight of burdens like we enjoy it- though we claim it to be our worst enemy.
Hannah gives us a wonderful description of what she did with her burden. She poured out her soul before the Lord.  She wasn’t about to walk away until she told God everything on her heart regarding the matter. She wasn’t about to leave that place until she had spent every ounce of her energy, strength and dignity explaining her need to God.
Hannah took her water pitcher of burdens and poured it out. Every last drop. She held nothing back and stood before God, holding her water pitcher upside down, with tears falling from her cheeks, as she dumped it all at Jesus’ feet.
Hannah’s pitcher was bone dry.
From a practical standpoint, I think laying our burdens at Jesus’ feet and leaving them there means we empty ourselves out completely. We pour out our souls before the Lord, sharing every feeling we have on the topic- whatever it is. We stand dripping before God, no matter what others may think of us. (The priest thought Hannah was drunk in her pouring out state.)
To answer the last part of our reader’s question, yes, I do have an example of a time when I poured out my soul to God. I’m running out of space and time to answer this portion of the question in this post, but when you’ve gone through divorce, lost your mama to cancer and find out your daughter has a terminal disease, then at that point, you have nothing left but to pour out yourself before the Lord.
Every drop.
I guess the part Hannah’s story doesn’t help us with is that no one talks about the automatic refills.
After we have poured out every drop to God, what happens when another burden fills the pitcher?
We pour out again. And again. And again.
Because His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.
Or you.
Or anyone who comes to Him, ready to pour themselves out completely and allow Him to fill the empty spaces in totality.
_____________

Thank you

Thank you to those of you praying for me.  I have this mind-boggling calm that can only be God.  I can't even freak myself out (though I'm not trying too hard to do so... wink).  I have peace... thick, warm, palpable, like the warm air above the hot tub even though the outside temperature is so cold.  God is listening and hearing and answering your prayers. I am calm.   I am also not nearly as tired-feeling as I had been.  I just realized it today... I am not waking up exhausted this week... even though I have been staying up a little late.  This can only be God answering the prayers of His people.  Thank you for remembering us and holding us in your prayers.  Sincerely, thank you.

Port Flush

I cannot believe it has been 4 weeks since we returned home from Disneyworld!  Four weeks already!  Wowza!  I know it's been four weeks because every four weeks I go to get my port flushed (hooked up to the needle and tubing, blood drawn out, saline pushed through and some other anti-clog stuff through the plastic thing under my skin) to keep it working and 'active'.  I pray fervently that I won't need that port ever again, but at this point in time we have decided to keep it in to avoid another procedure and just enjoy the break from medical stuff.  Remember when I'd have to do jumps or be hanging head-down at chemo to get that little sucker to work?  I am happy to report that, once again, the port worked exactly as it should and the flush was a quick and easy procedure.  Thank you, Lord.

I would also like to say, one again, that the nurses at ARH are just so incredibly lovely.  They don't want to see us there, they don't want to see people in pain or in fear, they just have a heart to help... and the kindness and gentleness that I have experienced at almost every turn has just been such a blessing.  Lord, please bless the staff at ARH, from janitor to food services to nurse to surgeon to administration and everyone in between.  Lord, give wisdom and calm, give excellence and peace, let them each feel appreciated for the work they are doing as they serve the sick and injured and hurt and healing of our city and province.  Thank you for this lovely new hospital and thank you for the good experiences I have had there.  Amen.

Morning Walk

Got my morning walk in just before the raindrops started to fall.  Such a nice start to the day, just enough to get the heart pumping without tiring me out.  Sometimes I just clear my mind and really look at my surroundings, most of the time I'm talking to God.  I walk the boys to the bus and then take a stroll.  A good routine.  

Wearing a hug (my scarf) from cousin Rena today.  :-)   See my little hairs at the top, kind of like a little brush cut!  They are so cute! LOL. The sides are a little longer but lay back like they were combed that way... it is interesting to watch it grow in. 

To Grandma's home we go!

Kori and I made an impromptu visit to Grandma's home today.  When we got there she was having a little after-lunch snooze but her eyes popped open and she got herself up and shoes on for our visit.  We talked about her roommate, the kids, the meals, the weather, the usual.  As always, I was so glad that I had gone to see her.  Our family has been blessed with close connections, good relationship, lots of family events and faspa (4pm light dinner) and huge gatherings my entire life.  So so so blessed by the work this family has done to stay connected!  I love you my Grandma!

 

Always one more kiss for the road!  I started this when my babies were little and Grandma was living at Carriage Lane.  The kids and I would say our good-byes and give our kisses, then I'd get them all strapped into their carseats and run back across the sidewalk to where Grandma would stand watching from her sliding door in the kitchen.  She would break into a smile as I jogged over and would say, "One last kiss... for the road..." and give her a kiss on her super-soft cheek.  Always.  And then one more kiss and I would run back to the van and wave and drive away.   I love this woman.  She is a prayer warrior, she has a heart for God that is solid and fixed and knows that she knows that she knows that God is faithful.  I am so thankful for Grandma M.  Thank you, Lord, for blessing us with this strong woman of good character.

We are changed.

We are changed.  I have noticed it for the past few months, over the summer as we spent time together without the busy of the regular schedule.  More noticeable with all six of us sharing space more, home together more.  We are changed.  The way the kids look at me, handle me, treat me, it is different.  They are kids who saw their mommy so incredibly sick, lifted cups of water to her lips when she could not, watched her sitting in the corner chair weeping silently in her weakened physical and emotional state, do still hear the murmurs of the people around them, feel the weight of the fear that 'cancer' can be.  This morning I am mourning this change.  My heart is heavy, broken.  Weighted down in this understanding.

Update

Though my blood work is good, the chest x-ray has come back "concerning".  My CT scan has been moved up two months to September 20th.  We will meet with the oncologist immediately following.  Please be praying that the cancer has not started growing again, pray that it is shrinking and gone.   We believe for miracles and we are asking God for clean scans for me.  Please, Lord, cover us with your peace.

Eavesdropping on my life

Sitting on the back deck while child #4 scooters around.  From inside the house comes the sound of two eldest kids kibitzing around (fooling around) and singing at each other and being silly. I should make them set the table.  Dinner is ready in the crockpot, smells yummy.  Waiting for Shawn to get home from work.  Silliness and play fighting playing "keep away" with M's iPod.  B is in on it now.  Sounds like the "fun until someone loses an eye" moment.  Giggling, kids out of breath from scrambling and wrestling.  "Nun-chuck psychopath!" says one kid to to the other.  Random.

Me, grateful to be strong and here.  Present, in this moment.  The urge to just squeeze and hug those kids is almost strangling me.  It would be overbearing to them... They love the love, but my fear is not the same as loving on them and so I hang back, eavesdropping on their lives and conversations, allowing the peace of our Lord and Saviour to permeate the moment, rest softly upon me, and I smile.  So glad to witness the living going on around here. I have had a very good day.  The kids are all so happy with their schools and teachers.  It has been a good "back to school" for us, we are tired and adjusting, but it is good and we have happiness.  I am digging my toes deep into the feels-good of it all.  Like sand on the beach, warm and cool and comfy and scritchy and just good in and of itself. 

Kid #3 is now dancing for me and singing, too... I love these kids. So grateful for these "everyday normal" moments.

Happy Dancing!!!

My blood work is all good!  My oncologist seemed pleased and even offered to remove my port! I chose to keep it in for now as removal is yet another procedure.

She won't get the report from my chest X-ray for a week yet.  I have a regular ct scan scheduled in two months.

I feel like I just won the lottery...two more months of normal!!!!

Ah.  Thank you, Lord!!!

Follow up appointment today

On our way to the Cancer Agency.  Please pray for peace for us, for our family, over this whole thing.  The kids don't know about this appointment.  I was okay til we started driving, tears are flowing.  I ... Am feeling a lot of things.

Last day of summer holiday

In the two weeks since we have been home from Florida I have had coffee dates with a few friends, I've taken kids to Vancouver appointments, I've chauffeured my tween-age daughter and her friend to the mall, and hung out at the  Food Court with my teen son, we have been to Stanley Park for a picnic, and to a White Caps game and to Chinatown and watched movies at home, been to the theatre, and sorted and stored thousands of photos, and have been for high tea.  Wowza!  Life is good and we are so blessed to have made an epic novel's worth of memories in the last two little summer holiday months!  Thank you for those of you praying health and stamina for me!

I am pretty tired all the time but thankful that I can push through. The tired is more of a 'worn down' physically rather than a normal 'tired from doing too much'.  I am sleeping well each night but waking up still tired.  My right shoulder has been giving me a too-frequent-for-my-liking dull burning pain down into my bicep and I am going to set myself up a massage appointment to see if I can get some relief.  

This Wednesday is my follow-up appointment, including bloodwork and a chest x-ray to make sure cancer isn't growing back. Every time I cough I fight a nanosecond of panic.  I would appreciate prayers for no cancer and for peace.  I really really really would love to have a good and solid and cancer-free (as much as my oncologist says I won't ever be "cancer-free"... What do we know of God's plans!!!") school year for, and with, our kids. That is my heart-prayer.  

Sometimes it feels arrogant to put my orders in and not just see how God's plans pan out, but the Bible tells is to ask, so I am asking.

Well, we are off to the ocean today so I should get the cooler packed!  

Happy Day to you!!!!  

Kristin

Bedtime reading

Reading Harry Potter to B tonight.  Eventually all four kids joined us.  I don't love how slow it is to read out loud but I sure do love all of us cozied together in the living room, sharing space and sharing the anticipation of a great story!

Hillsong Live - Forever Reign

Finding peace in this song.  It's in my worship playlist.  Today it came on as I walked into the living room, we were working on some tidying projects.  I was stopped in my tracks, arms raised in worship, eyes closed, lost in the love of Jesus.  One of my children saw the tears streaming down my face, came and stood with me, their little arms around me, singing and worshiping with me.  It was a beautiful moment.  I am blessed.  Cancer is horribly hard.  God is good. 

Don't Fear - Keep Going

Don’t Fear—Keep Going

by Joyce Meyer - posted August 29, 2013

If God is for us, who [can be] against us? [Who can be our foe, if God is on our side?]
—Romans 8:31
We must learn how to deal with fear before it goes too far because it will never completely go away. Feeling fear is part of being alive. We may feel fear when we are doing something we have never done before, or when the obstacles seem insurmountable, or when we don’t have the natural help we feel we need. None of this means we are cowards; it means we are human. We can only be cowardly when we allow our fears to dictate our actions or decisions, instead of following our hearts and doing what we know is right for us.
We must accept the fact that fear will never go away completely, but also know we can live boldly and courageously because God has told us that He is always with us. Because of that knowledge we can choose to ignore the fear we feel. It’s okay to feel fear; it’s not okay to act on those feelings. You see, the word fear means “to take flight” or “to run away from,” and it causes us to want to flee from what God wants us to confront.
The only acceptable attitude for a Christian to have toward fear is “I will not fear.” Do not shrink back from anything in fear. You may be going forward with something you feel God has spoken to you to do. Then something happens to make it appear that it’s not working out or that people are not in favor of it. You realize that if you do what God wants you to do, you may risk losing some friends, some resources, or your reputation.
When you feel that fear, the first impulse is to shrink back, isn’t it? God knows that, and that is why He says, “Do not fear.” When He tells us not to fear, what He means is, no matter how you feel, keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing what you believe He has told you to do because that’s the only way to defeat fear and make progress.
Trust in Him: Trust the Word of God more than you trust the lies of the devil, and keep making progress!

---

From the book Trusting God Day by Day by Joyce Meyer. Copyright © 2012 by Joyce Meyer. Published by FaithWords. All rights reserved.

Click HERE for the webpage


Last night the panic and the fear was overwhelming to the point of ... I don't know the word.  I couldn't think or breathe or even cry.  Just so many feelings were pouring over me and swirling around me and pressing down on me, heaviness.  Ended up at mom and dad's, crumpled into 'trying to cry'.  Felt exactly-what-I-needed to just stand their and be held by my parents.  What else can we do but just hold each other.  It is so much.  This morning's devotional from Joyce Meyer was God's perfect timing.  The heaviness is different, maybe not less, it is something I push away all day every day, probably about 90% of my time I am pushing fear away.  Today I feel I can breathe, the weight is less.  The kids are going back to school next week, the pressure of "the last week of summer holiday" doesn't help the other many things I am working through emotionally.  It's okay.  I'm okay.

Today is a new day.  Thank you, Lord, I woke up.  I am grateful.  Going to take the kids out today for something randomly fun.  Purposing the random... I love doing that.  [smile]

Tired.

People ask me am I resting enough?  People ask if I am getting enough sleep?  Yes and no, to both questions.  I sleep a full 8hrs each night, but no I don't rest or nap in the day.  When I was so sick from chemo, recovering from all that cell-rebuilding, I had to slow down.  You can't even make yourself try when you are chemo-exhausted.  And I hated always being on the couch those days.  I was so glad when I could walk myself to where the kids were, or even just sit at the table while they ate dinner.  And now that I am not chemo-sick, I don't want to be on the couch anymore.  I want my kids to see me upright, come to me when I am standing in the kitchen, I want to walk to them and with them.  And so I don't rest.  Funny, my oncologist (last appointment) told me to rest, "you still have cancer".  I am aware.  I just feel... wrong... to waste time sleeping or napping when I could be listening or taking in the life swirling around me.  [smile]  I did nap the other day, I am so tired from our epic Florida trip and mentally exhausted with the school-starts-in-a-week and just figuring things out and transitioning and just every day stuff.  And I am tired.  I wake up tired after a full night of sleep.  I am exhausted by 3pm and ready for bed, only forcing myself to stay awake til 9 or 10pm because I don't want to miss anything or be lame.  Today I ate some children's chewable vitamins to buoy my energy levels before C0stc0, maybe it helped a little, I don't know.  I did come home and make lunches (buns, meat, cheese, cucumbers and some chips for everyone... ah, memories of my childhood) and then watched part of Epic with the kids after making a huge pot of spaghetti sauce and getting that simmering.  So I am feeling that I am accomplishing things, that's awesome. 

Just figuring out a new routine, that's all.  Can't believe our summer holiday is drawing to a close.  We have sure packed in a LOT of good living this summer... we are blessed to 'usually do' have an amazing summer!  I wish we could do it all again and again and again... but I do also know that the kids are going to love their school years and I am so looking forward to the adventures and opportunities that will bring each of my sweeties.

Mmmmm, seriously smells incredibly nummy in here today!  Off to switch laundry... oh, and a little man is standing here bored so I will go play Martian Dice with him before it's time to set the table and for daddy to come home.  I don't feel as energetic as I once did, but I am so happy to note that I am still accomplishing lots of 'normal'.  [smile]

Hope you are having a fantastic day!
Kristin

The Three Mouseketeers

 

Kori ~ Kristin ~ Keri

Sisters, we three, dancing with glee

Celebrating in that magical place, Disney.

[Yes, they are twins.  We are 18 months apart in age.  

Kori and Keri tend to dress alike a lot.  

This day I happened in on the fun!]

Blown away, again.

Cleaning up the holiday trinkets, doing laundry, sorting through mail from when we were away.

Blown away, again, to open two separate love-yous coming to us.  People remembering us in prayer, sharing their love in a tangible way, giving generously because they just want this to be better for us.

I am overcome with emotion.  Just tears and tears.  I am so grateful.  I cannot get my head around the unfailing support and the ongoing care and concern and the kindnesses and generousity that we have been shown.  You people... you are just the hand of God in our days.  Honestly, God is working through you every time you send a note, leave a comment, stop me in the mall, give your regards through a friend or love on my parents or sisters or in laws.  You guys are just amazing.  I am so incredibly touched.  I feel speechless.  I can't make the words match the enormity of what my heart feels for you.

Thank you.

Oh wow.

I am thankful for you.

Struggling.

Woke up this morning fighting some hard thoughts.  Feeling trapped, like under the rubble of a big earthquake.  In a pocket of air, safe, but for how long?  What will shift?  Will I be rescued?  Will I die here?  And feeling the knowledge of my God holding me and loving me and standing true in His care for me.  My human nature and my hope in a delicate balance... the hope winning and keeping my spirits buoyed just enough to keep my heart and my emotions from slipping into the darkness that is panic.  Started coughing.  Got up so I wouldn't disturb Shawn's sleep.  Came downstairs.  Started having sad thoughts, "My kids will be the first to lose a parent.  I will be the first person in my circle to die."  And immediately God chided, "Only I know the plans I have for you, my dear."  Yes.  Only God knows the plans He has for me.  I am so glad to have God.

I have an appointment the Wednesday when school starts.  It is weighing very heavily on me.  Please pray for peace.  Please?   The very best thing about Disney was that there was no cancer there.  It was the most miraculous thing.  I kept my emotions at a glazed-over sort of place because my heart-joy was threatening to send me into too many tears.  But even doing my injections each night in a different Disney washroom wasn't nearly the trial it is at home.  I was healthy, I was strong, I was not thinking about cancer for the most part of two full weeks.  What a blessing.

I covet your prayers.  It is a little hard right now and I need help.  Thank you.

I don't want to write sad posts, I want to share holiday happinesses!  I want to bask in the joy and the awesome and the amazing and the blessings.  And I want to live in Disney cancer-free denial a little longer.  Today I swallowed my pride.  Things have been good, I just am not ready for the glow of holidays to dim yet.  You know?  But I need help.  And so I am asking for your prayers extra as you can.  I feel scared.  I don't want to feel scared.


Oh ya.  And I don't want to be afraid of food.  I am so sick of being conflicted by every bite of food I put in my mouth.  Seriously!  I have always eaten thoughtfully.  Yes a B ig Ma c, but yes lots of vegetables and lots of fruit and lots of green and lots of water and water and water to drink.  But you get cancer then suddenly F ace B0 0k is posting ads by 'experts' that say you shouldn't even eat fruit because cancer likes sugar and blah blah blah.  And eat meat or don't?  And juice or don't?  And eat dairy or don't?  I mean, it was already a mental warfare thing to discern what my food choices were back in the good old days of ignorance and no cancer... and now to have to worry which bite of food I put in my mouth will kill me sooner?!  That is crap!  I don't accept it  And I'm sick of worrying about it.  I still want to be thoughtful and I still want to make wise food choices... it's the scare tactics and panic-wording that keeps crossing my path (or that I'm just more susceptible and sensitive to now) that is making me crazy... and scaring me... and I don't want to be scared.

Phew.  Thank you.  That was a rant that has been building for a few weeks now... I totally respect the choices people make.  I even respect that the posts I have come across have good information in them that can be added to my knowledge/understanding base.  I am just fed up with feeling guilty all the time... and I mean, jeepers, it's not like my family is drinking powdered sugar drinks with big cartoon pitchers as the spokesperson or anything?!?!?  Oi.   Okay.  I feel better.  Please don't be offended, I just had to get that out of my head.  I still think it's about balance.  And I still think that God is in control.  I am doing my best to feed our family balanced and nutritional foods, drink lots of water, eat our veggies and get rest.  No more crazy-making food articles for me, I am fully putting blinders on!

Okay.  Thank you.

FLORIDA 2013: Epcot

After a red eye flight with connector at 4am, it was lovely to spend our first day in Florida taking it easy at our resort and then meandering through Downtown Disney.  For our first park day we chose Epcot!  I had heard mixed reviews about this being "our favourite park" and "it's okay for grown-ups" so was curious to make my own first impression... and I loved it!  The big, silver iconic ball structure is as grand and gorgeous as I expected.  I loved walking in the gates and being greeted by such a beautiful landmark!  Catching glimpses of it from different parts of the park (which is a big circle, the ball is the anchor) was exciting each time! 

After doing a 'travel through time / land of the dinosaurs' ride which my littlest boys loved (and I thought was pretty neat, too), we headed over to the Test Track.  Now THIS would become the very favourite ride of the entire trip!  First, you wind through the line past a pretty sleek sports car, next past some futuristic cars and then down a hallway with some cool hands-on car designing screens and into a create-your-own-computer-model-car room where you choose the style, engine size, aerodynamics of the car you will then "test" on the ride... the really fast, hold-onto-your-hat, wow-we-are-winging-around-this-corner ride that the kids would have done again and again and again... and that we did do multiple times! 

Even though our group is pretty even with 5 boys and 4 girls, and the boys definitely loved looking at the cars (Kyle and Braden, above) the girls were equally happy with this fast ride! 

HIDDEN MICKEY!!!   Well, Keri said it didn't count but I totally counted it!  It was a Mickey where one wasn't supposed to be... even though it was a sticker that some vandal had left there.  Whatevs.  I'm taking the point!  [smile]   The heat in Florida, which I had been warned about and was worried about (I'm a B.C. girl who likes clouds and overcast and cooler weather), was not as bad as I expected.  Yes, it was crazy-hot, about 93 with 95% humidity many days... but I didn't feel so grossly "hot".  What I felt was grossly "dripping with sweat".  The minute I stepped into sunlight or out of shade, the sweat would run rivers down my neck, my chest, my back.  So disgusting.  I just kept thinking, "it's cleansing, it's cleaning out the chemo, it's good for my body to detox this way"... and at every single snack cart or restaurant stop I would grab a 1" or more stack of napkins to wipe the sweat away... and would run out within about 20 feet of the stop!  Seriously.  Gross.   Not all day every day, but a lot.  Definitely worse first thing in the morning when we went from air conditioned bus to walking into the park.  My body took a while to adjust.  But I wasn't hot.  Just sweating.  Strange.  On this first day I hadn't figured out "the bun"... as you may know if you have seen me since we returned, "the bun" is my new favourite hair-do as it blends the new-growing-in front hairs nicely with the up-doing of the long rest of my hairs.  [smile] 

Ooooh, the C0 ke shop!   This shop had C0 ca-C 0la from around the world... and some of it was pretty gross by our standards!  One was super perfumey, one was so bitter it left your mouth puckering.  Very interesting, but very fun!!!

What I loved the absolute most about Epcot, and would go again and again if I lived closer, was the pavillions!  Epcot was built as a World's Fair originally, and so the buildings and themes are of countries around the world!  Awesome!  In some 'countries' there is a ride, some a film, some just a shop.  Shawn and I were blessed to travel through Europe when we graduated university, and I had been to Japan as an exchange student after grade 11... my parents are huge travellers and my kids are very interested in learning about new cultures.  This place was a dream for us!  

In our family, the plan has been to take each kid on a trip for their 15th birthday (before they start working and we have to juggle around jobs).  With Kyle turning 15 this fall that dream is suddenly a reality smacking us in the face of all that the past year has been, and Momma not working and such.  So, we will see how the trip thing works out.  My dream for Miranda has been to take her to Japan.  I loved my time in Japan, loved the culture and tradition and modern and work ethic and the people and want to take my girl there. 

Walking into the Japan pavilion at Epcot hit my heart with a big slap of "can cross this off my bucket list" followed by the panic of "if you cross things off your bucket list then do you just be done and die?" and then the panic of "I don't want to die" followed by fighting back the incredible flood of tears that comes if I even dare to think half a millisecond on my kids doing life without me.  Gah!   And then it was the joy of the trip and the joy on Miranda's face to be "in Japan" with me.  And then Braden found the Pokemon and Ponyo stuffies (he is a huge fan of anime and things that are collections/sets).  And then we watched the "choose a pearl" which Miranda thought she would do until she found... [trumpet fan fare please]... The Kimono Shop.  And she fell in love.  And in that instant my daughter, who tends to be a not-into-things person became infused with an inner joy and contentment and assuredness that became her getting fitted for kimono.  The girl helping us was beautiful inside and out, so kind, so patient, so pleased that I had been to Japan and had fallen in love with her country.  Miranda was beaming.  If I could have bottled up that moment, that room, that feeling of pure happy and contentment in and around my daughter, I would have.  I will hold that feeling that was exuding from Miranda dear to my heart for always.  Such a special moment.  And I got to take my daughter to Japan.  I am in tears just thinking on it.  Such a special, special blessing that moment was.  So very special to this Momma's heart.  Like, a promise kept. 

 The pavilions at Epcot are all set around a huge lake. The building above is France.  There was a perfumery and library ... and the sweet fragrance coming from the perfumery was the most lovely smell I have ever ever ever ever inhaled in my entire life.  Wow.  I could have stood there for an hour.  It was intoxicating and beautiful.  The Canada pavilion had a theatre-in-the-round with a movie hosted by Martin Short (he's Canadian, eh!).  It was very fun to note that I had been to every single highlighted Canadian sight except for three.  Three!  Wow!  I've been a lot of cool places... thank you to my husband who has made that happen and who has brought me on business trips! Norway was a boat ride through Viking history and fjords, very pretty.  In the lake there was a nightly fireworks and light show that was incredible!  A huge globe came out on a barge, video highlights of various countries were shown on the continents... very cool!  And then the whole thing opened up and fireworks shot out of it.  Seriously, so well done and awesome!  My kids all agreed that Epcot was their favourite park.  Interesting, right?  They loved Test Track (ride) and they also loved the different countries.  We would definitely go back!

Back to School prep

I love school.  I love school for my kids.  I love learning and the September-June scheduling and all the crazy that goes with it.  But...

It's a grim thing to be updating the family calendar and hearing this icky voice making cancer-comes-back comments or feelings that sort of try to wash over my excitement at Report Card Day (we always celebrate with ice cream first, and then I sit with each child individually and go through their report card excruciatingly slowly and subject-by-subject... tee hee) or Christmas Concert or Year End Party or any of the other scheduled stuff I'm inputting.

Ah, those nasty voices in my head.  Satan... GET OUT!  You are not in charge here.  You may not set up camp here, nor anywhere in my vicinity.  God has got a plan and I know that I am in it.  Get behind me, Satan, YOU SHALL NOT PREVAIL!!!

I claim joy and I claim happy and I claim excitement and good-anticipation about what this new school year will be for our family!  God is here.  I love that!

Family Vacation: Orlando, Florida

After a whirlwind of planning, miraculous finding of flights and hotels for 17, lickety-split packing, and some red eye flying we made it to DISNEYWORLD!!!! What an amazing fourteen days we enjoyed in a fabulous resort, at beautiful parks, and on magical adventures! My mind cannot quite comprehend all that we did in those non-stop days, I am so thankful for the 3,500+ photos I have to prove it all! Thank you to those of you who prayed for travel safety and good health, we enjoyed both. This was our first full-family holiday and I have to say...it was such an incredible blessing and joy!

We experienced Epcot, Animal Kingdom, Magic Kingdom, Hollywood Studios, Downtown Disney, Disney Quest, Blizzard Beach, Typhoon Lagoon, Universal Studios Orlando with Wizarding World of Harry Potter, a Character Breakfast with Pooh Bear and Tigger and Alice and Mad Hatter and Mary Poppins, boat rides and torrential downpours and blazing hot sun and an amazing Lion King show (like Cirque de Soleil), live shows of Beauty and the Beast and Nemo, water rides and roller coasters and safaris with lions and cheetah and elephants and rhinos right at the jeep, and incredible food, and little tropical birds that tried to steal your fries, and huge ice cream sundaes and frozen lemondades and lobster roll sandwiches and chicken and ribs and Mickey Mouse frozen ice cream sandwiches and Haunted Mansions and Splash Mountain and fast pass acquisitions by Roger and Dave and and and and and... Seriously, incredible.

What a trip to remember!!!!!

We brought a wheelchair for me in case the walking was too much, but I am so proud to say that I power-walked almost the whole thing, using the wheelchair only to sit just once or twice! I let Shawn push me for about five minutes one night, that's it. And any of you who have ever walked with Mom or Keri or Kori knows that those ladies walk at a jogger pace! Praising God for the good health, the strength and the stamina!

We've been home for three days now (arrived at 5am Monday) and I could be happy to go again tomorrow!! [smile]

Such an amazing trip. Really, just incredible! We are so blessed.

Guess where we were????

Enjoying every minute!!!

What a good summer this is!  Can't believe how blessed we are with time and energy and sights and smiles!

Hope your summer is going just as wonderfully!

Kristin

I got a blister on my toe!

Yes, it's true, I have a blister on my toe. 

Why, you may ask, am I telling you this?

I am telling you this happy news because a blister on my toe means I am walking and seeing and doing all sorts of fun things with my family.  Blisters on toes are what happen when you are up and off the couch and living life pretty full.  

And I knew you would want to celebrate this with me!  [smile]

Floating with a smile on my face.

Floating is one of my very favouritest things to do.  Just be.  Just breathe.  Just drift.
Don't think.  Don't fret.  Just trust.  It will be okay.  Relax into it.  Feel the cares melt away.

I've been working on a very long list the last few days and have been powering through it in record time.  One of my projects was to complete a digital scrapbook (I use shu tter fly dot com) of our recent camping trip... wow what a lot of awesome photos of amazing days I have!  My family is a bunch of crazy photographers... not a moment passes without a photo snapped. 
I'm not joking.

As I looked through the photos of that one camping week, I am struck again and again by how amazing my life is.  I am so very blessed with an incredible husband and four beyond-amazing blessings in our children.  I have two parents who are married 40 years and who love me dearly and love their family dearly.  I have two sisters, they have two stellar husbands and five amazing kids between them, that love me and love my kids and are always willing to step up and help.  Shawn and I have a fun RV travel trailer that affords us summer holidaying away from home.  My husband has a job that he loves and that gives him holiday time away.  The memories made around building campfires and roasting wienies and burnt marshmallows and whittling sticks are absolutely precious.

Wow.  I am speechless at the list of blessings in this life.  God is so so so good.

I hope you can take a moment and look through your photos today... whether they are recent photos or your baby album or albums from your own children's first few years... go and open up those memories, relive the moments good and hard, see how very blessed you have been, see that God was there even in the harder circumstance and He was definitely there in the birthday parties and Christmases and sillinesses.  Whether you have a personal relationship with God or not, He has been there through your days... let the smile that breaks across your face and the warmth in your heart become an awareness of a loving God who cares for you.

In my photo albums I have the usual photos... the happy smiles and great gifts and fun cakes.  I also have the photos of screaming babies, typewriter ink on my new white cabinets courtesy of a two years old boy, maple syrup tracked all through new carpets courtesy of that same curious toddler.  Hard days and good days, I know that God got us through them all.  The photos of friends and family and loved ones are reminders of the helpers that have been here along the way: angels in our days, help from God when we asked for it and even when we couldn't think clearly to ask.

I am feeling the fullness of joy of the blessings I have received.

I like that smile that I feel on my face.

Encouraging words

This encouragement was just too beautiful to not share!

In the fall, before my surgery, we had a family photo session.  Today I was looking through the pictures and re-reading the kind words left in the comments section. This comment was left on that photographer's blog:

The Lord guided you into consciousness giving you that pain in your shoulder. It is with the start of that pain that he lead you to the issue at hand. It could have gone undetected but he wanted you to start your journey now. The secret is to never give up. To never give in to the enemy feeding you doubts and discouraging thoughts. Be lifted up by the positive thoughts, wishes and prayers that the people around you send your way and up to heaven. You are not alone in this fight. Every person who sees these pictures or reads your story has you in their thoughts and prayers. Positivity is the key! The journey may not be the most pleasant but the victory won after a hard fought fight is glorious! I expect nothing less than a total healing and in turn the people around you and those that don't know you but know of your story, will all learn something from this battle. Don't ever think that you are alone in this... you have a team of people behind you sending you the positive when you least expect it. No negative. Just remember, he has great plans for you. He promises us all that. I cant wait to see where this journey takes you. My heart is expecting miracles. Stay positive and keep him close! You have an army fighting with you. Please remember that. ~ E.S.

[click here to go to the photoshoot]

Shawn & Kristin, July 27, 2013

Shawn and I snuck out for a drive and a Sbucks last night!  I love this photo of us, we are so cute!

Can you believe it?  Coming up on 19 years of marriage!  Amazing to think on!

With summer sunlight staying up so late, and having older kids in the house it gets almost impossible to find alone time or space for private conversation.  Since I'm all for the kids cleaning up the messes, I've started dragging Shawn (he's super diligent and would rather clean the messes up first... um, hello... we have kids for that!) out after dinner while the kids clean up and so we can come home to a tidied kitchen and jammied kids.  We don't do it often enough, but when we have, it has been good for all six of us to have the space and the time to get things done!   I feel like I'm always sharing my husband with the kids... he is an incredibly amazing and devoted daddy... so sometimes a momma just has to take her man back and hog him all to herself!  [smile]

We drove out to a local water skiing lake to check out the beaches... sand, real sand!  That's a true treat for us folks on the westcoast of Canada.  Our beaches are gorgeous, our views are incredible, but our rocks can be sharp and sand is hard to come by... this particular beach is man-made.  We will definitely come back with the kids!

Morning thoughts.

Is it better to hold them close, be in their space, parent them all through the days?  Or, is it better to step back and watch and see that they can be fine without me?

Is it better to pursue relationships and be active in a friend's life?  Or, is it better to relax the relationship and let that person bond with others?

How to balance the 'here and now' with the 'doctors are just waiting for cancer to overtake me' with the desire and need for relationship?

Wanting to pour into my children's lives as I always have, but afraid that it would be harder for them if I was gone.

Being so sick during chemo did, somewhat, remove me from my children's lives.  But, there was hope that I was getting better each time.  There was the climb back up out of chemo darkness and they knew they could still come to me, although definitely with more care and quiet.

Wanting to rush and do and be and partake.  Afraid to let me own hopes soar... no, more afraid of the words that will dash those soaring hopes.  God keeps me soaring, Satan keeps trying to crash me, man/humans/doctors are just the messenger.

Yesterday it was as if cancer hadn't come. Almost.  Probably the closest to that I've had.  Even in the moments where my breathing was a little difficult or I had a cough and panic tried to set in, I still felt so normal, unencumbered, just almost free.  But even in those moments of feeling 'free-er than usual' I knew it was just that... not the true freedom I used to feel, live, enjoy, be.   And I felt lost.  I'm still struggling to figure out who this new Kristin is.  I am so changed.

I have joy.  And it is followed by tears.  I have anxious moments, which are quickly turned to praise for God's faithfulness and thankfulness for Him getting me this far.

I don't know how to talk to people, close people, anymore.  I feel so very careful about what I say, to protect myself from wandering thoughts.  To protect them from the hard and scary and crappy bits.  Living in the moment is good for me emotionally and panic-wise, but it feels a little hollow, too.  Part of the fun is in the looking-forward-to-it, and I'm afraid to look forward because that inevitably brings so many other unwanted thoughts with it.

So, back to focusing right here and now.  And a smile comes quickly to my face.  Right here, right now, I am enjoying summer holiday with the kids.  Right here, right now, I am enjoying the quiet of the house and the click of keyboard keys as B and I both spend some computer time.  I love watching him, the way he holds his hands, the way his lips sort of purse when he is in concentration.  I love hearing his little quiet whistles, and his whispers (a new skill!) make me smile because of all the "SHH!" I have done over the years to help remind him to "lower your volume".

I am smiling to think on how Shawn is still sleeping and how he looks in our bed.  I love how warm and squooshy C will be when he emerges and sleepy-eyes-lumbers down the stairs to find me for his good morning snuggles.  I know that M is going to be hard to wake today, just like every other day (mornings aren't her thing) and I know that her hair is going to be wild and wonderful and big-messy when she gets up.  And K, a tangle of teenager and blankets asleep all tumbled in his bed.   Ah, bliss.

Going to get some cuddles in, I hear kids stirring and clomping down the stairs.  [smile]

Root canal

Finally getting that annoying tooth dealt with.  Grateful for the cancellation spot that came available for me.  Please pray for zero complications and speedy recovery.  I am nervous about side effects and things going sideways though I have had successful root canals in the past.  Happy to just get this tooth fixed!

My appointment is 8:30am Saturday. 

[smile]

Reading back on some blog posts from November, after surgery and leading into radiation.  Reflecting on the ups and downs of even just today... the energy, the emotions, the normal mommy-tolerance stuff.  This is cancer and I'm doing it!

[smile]

I'm sitting here in tears and crying torrents... but happy torrents.  I am just so heart-happy in this moment.  How can a silly Maroon 5 song make me feel so ... in love with the lovingness of God?  Crazy, right?  I love how little seemingly inconsequential things can just stop me in my tracks and bowl me over with how loved I am, how much I love my God, how much I love the people around me, these kids, my husband, my parents and siblings and the whole gaggle of family that I am blessed with.

Bowled. over. with. love. in. my. heart.

[speechless] [grateful] [wow-ed]


CLICK HERE for Maroon 5: Love Somebody [video, a little risque so just turn the speakers up and the screen off!]

A family that plays together, stays together... or not!

 So, you may not know this about me... but I'm a total Nerd-wanna-be!  I love books, I love Big Bang Theory, I love sciencey stuff, I love inventions, I love math (though it's is really not my strong suit at all... in fact, I totally suck at it!), and I love games!  I don't have a super long attention span for games, but I love'em.  Hmm... maybe I'm already a Nerd.  That's awesome!!!

 Now that our oldest child is 14, and especially since all four kids seem to like games as much as Mommy does, we are playing more and more together.  It is awesome to be past the Clue Jr and Monopoly Jr and Scrabble Jr phase and be moving on to bigger, more detailed games.  In fact, as part of our basement reclamation project (aka 'dunging out the toy room') we are setting up a games shelf (this is what Gamer-Nerds do, so as not to crush the boxes under each other... how awesome is that!) and games table.  Some of these little treasures take a couple of hours to play so we need to not be setting up on the kitchen table where dinners are served! 

Ah, how happy it made me to open this new game and see all the little tokens waiting to be set free from their packaging... ooh, and set into their divided tray.  Ahhhhhh, bliss!  Now, to figure it out... the kids are chomping at the bit waiting for me... well, they are actually playing another new game, 'Martian Dice' (super fun, dice game, highly recommend) while they wait... but I can feel their buzz of excitement and their impatience in the air about me.

What games does your family play?