Going to sleep in my own bed, with my husband and my kids and my life all together under this one roof. I just can't even figure out enough words... and you know I've usually got more than enough words... to tell you how full and happy and grateful my heart is. Thank you God for your grace and mercy and miracles and love and care and.... this moment. Thank you for answering so many faithful and long-going prayers. Thank you.
Woke up with a sense of peace and rest for having slept in my own bed, prayers of thanksgiving, praying for my family, just not even knowing what to say to God that would be... right, enough, adequate... thankful that He knows the desires of my heart, thankful that He already knows and that He is smiling as I'm tripping over my words. Slow myself, go back to the Lord's Prayer and Psalm 23 The Lord is My Shepherd. God loves me, He doesn't care if I 'get it right', He just loves our heart. So easy to just talk to Him... love that.
Came downstairs to the light on in the kitchen, my biggest boy having breakfast, starting his day. Such a blessing to share the morning with him, sit at the table, hug him too hard, hold him too many seconds too long, him soaking it in. Making up for missed hugs over 12 days. Still can't believe what has happened, how things unfolded for us. So incredibly grateful for this outcome. Mom at home. I am just in awe. So very in awe. Child #3 wandered into the kitchen, hugs, holding on, this is my boy whose goal is Club Penguin time each morning...even he hugged long, looked me square in the eyes, soaked in the sight of Mommy home, a little too long, a little extra. Savour, savour, savour. Can't get enough of looking at the kids. My heart is a sponge on a typical day, this... feels like Christmas morning.
Typing with hands not swollen five times too big. Typing with fingers that can move and do what fingers are meant to do. Words forming and spilling out of my mind in correct order. Still lots of fumbling but hands that work. Arms without needles hindering their use, keeping me from bending or moving or using. Legs that walked me fairly smoothly down the stairs, no shakes today. Feeling weak from chemo, more so than the last times, maybe from the addition of the meds, the trauma my body has gone through, recovering. I'm a thinker, I analyze and compare, take mental notes. The past 12 days were so many things, the lines are blurred, the analyzing is harder and slower and may never come together in a a way that makes sense. That's part of the miracle. It doesn't make sense, but God is bigger and He did what was His plan to do. I rest in that. But I do wonder what the current 'normal' is. I'm just sorting of going with each moment, curious to see the improvements that will naturally come from being home. Mentally so much stronger just for being in my home life. Physical strength will come from being in a bigger space, not confined to the ward (too nervous of public germs to leave oncology during day hours, too tired to get much out of bed the last two days), stairs at home are a long haul, showering today means I will be too tired to help Mom and Kori with much thinking let alone doing. Keri has visited every day in hospital, every day after work, every day. Amazing love. My family is so tired. Please pray rest and renewing for them. Mom or Shawn spent every night on a sort-of-comfy cot so I would be alone. We all need rest and renewal. Thank you for being the pray-ers, holding up the arms of Moses so that battle could be won.
Today will be a not-doing-much-unless-it-feels-safe-and-right. That's the current normal. Blood thinners require extra care right now...for 6 months... can't bend my head down, have to hold on and be careful to walk, don't fall, don't hit your head, don't, don't, don't... lots of warnings of being super careful. I will be. I take this not for granted. So grateful for Wiffy's (my mother-in-law) help with the kids before and after schools these last few weeks. Thankful for Erika for sorting clothes out of the kids' closets. Projects that this Mommy tries to get to... grateful for help in getting things done. We are blessed beyond measure. God is abundantly good. May you each see His goodness in this day, open your eyes to it. Maybe not someone cleaning out the clothes-explosion in your child's closet, but maybe you'll find a $5 bill tucked into the bathroom stall, "Treat yourself to a coffee today" like my cousin Rena. Maybe you'll see an eagle and be reminded that God is with you. Perhaps you'll find good parking on this rainy (in BC, Canada) day. Chalk it up to God... it is Him in the details of our days, we need only look and name it and be thankful for it because it is Him.
Going into the germ-fight days of chemo, so no visitors, less hugs, masks at the ready. That's okay. I look forward to the spring and being out and chemo-done and cancer free. Did you hear, the CT scan shows THE CANCER IN MY LUNGS IS SHRUNK!!!! IT IS SMALLER!!! THE CHEMO IS WORKING!!! Praising God. Praying He will continue to eradicate those cells out of every corner of me! Out of my shoulder, if they are still there... I trust they are not. THE CHEMO IS WORKING! I praise God. Thank you for your prayers... keep on praying my friends, the Lord listens and hears and answers when we ask. The Bible tells us so! Amen and AMEN! Bottom, right, lung. Pray it clear, pray no more cancer cells anywhere, please!!!
Did you know that when chemo goes through it kills the cancer cells, but it also kills my healthy body cells. That's just part of the deal, chemo can't differentiate, a cell is a cell to a war-faring chemo medicine. The cool thing is that my healthy cells are regenerating (okay... now THAT IS A CRAZY AWESOME BODY SYSTEM GOD CREATED!!!!!), which means I am renewed physically in these days after chemo. My body is starting fresh. My cells are new, healthy, starting over. Like, a Mulligan (where you get to take a do-over)... so all those BigM@cs, gone... this body is getting healthier, and I'm eating healthier to help it.... kind of an interesting and cool silver lining to chemo, wouldn't you say?! I think so... though the thought of a BigM@c... mmmmmm..... actually, craving In 'n Out Burger now that Cousin Lora posted a pic... adding to my Remission Manifesto (the really awesome, going-to-be-the-funnest-remission-ever to do list)... okay, long post, brain starting to ramble...
Time to wake up the late-risers. Thankful for this time with you, BlogFriends... I missed our lengthy posts and thought of you daily. Blessings to you today, may you see and feel God's love today, may you feel His peace. It's there, in your day, He's already arranged it... I pray you see it and claim it as His gift to you.
Youngest just stumbled down the stairs and flopped into my arms... oh my heart. Just waiting for Daughter... she's the slower-morning girl, but the longest hugs and tears welling up. That girl needed her Momma hard the last too many days. We just hugged and hugged and cried yesterday when she came home from school... cried those tears to smiles. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God that You will quiet us with Your love. I am grateful.